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Manly Tiger's Vol-In-Tears Prophecy

AuNuma1

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Interesting read if you a have few minutes to waste. :icon_thumbsup:

Manly Tiger's Vol-In-Tears Prophecy (Vol. V, 2004, TENN)                                               

It's a big game week, and Manly Tiger delivers a big-game effort! (meaning, Manly Tiger had lots of time to kill on business flight to and from Dallas!).  Call me a homer, but the more I've studied this game (and the funny AUB +2 line), I think this ends up exposing some major TENN weaknesses.  Florida's struggle vs. Kentucky suggests an over-rated TENN win (with zebra help) in Neyland over the Gators.  The Tigers roll big before a record ESPN crowd, 31-17.  (But I'll take a 1 point win).

We also go "2-0" for the 2nd straight Saturday, with the Gamecocks whipping Bammer in T-Town.

Doug Dean

The Manly Tiger Prophecies

Manly Tiger's Vol-in-Tears Prophecy (Vol. V, 2004, TENN)

And Lo, the summer secret of Tiger potency now screams far and wide.  For as sure as the September sun now fades into October, scribes and soothsayers now trumpet throughout the pigskinly nation, "Beware!  Leaves are rustling in the woods, and things are falling off thy shelves. Unmistakable is the rumble you hear ? the deep growl of death from the heart of the Jungle.  He prowls unseen but ever nearer - the once dreaded Tiger ? and without conscience doth he stalk.  The beast must be fed.  Move now to the back of the food chain, ye dawgs, gators, felines, hogs, and elephant-tide."  And verily, the primordial drumbeat of the ancient warrior pounds, and from the heavens sound the baritone voice of the football gods:

"Hear, Oh, watchers of the oblong ball, and all ye who inhabit as if potatoes thy couches on Saturdays of fall. Open thy waxen ears unto our truth, ye false prophets of the here we go again gloom and defeatist doom ? and cease the faceless murmur from within your worldly webs.  Ye Crimson Kneck Elephant Tide double-wide dwellers, shutteth forth thy Golden Corall-engorged and filterless camel sucking pie-holes, for ye hath returned as prophesied unto the dung heap of dismantled dreams, and your Heismanly hopes are surgically slain in the LeMack lair, also known as

DeathSouth.  For Lo, you again tasted death at the hands of the pigly people and their gangly long-legger, Fast Matt, who was last seen flinging hog slop in the face of six Bammer defenders who didst in vain give chase. Return to your sausage-smelling swampland in silence, Feaux Tigers. Listen, all god-fearing football tribes, scribes, and prophets, unto this truth, which shall ring clear:

"We speaketh here this day of the good and honorable People of the Tiger, who dwell peacefully in the lush green land of Auburn beneath its blue tinted sky, and whose tireless servants, cheer wenches, and dance maidens are warmed by the orange setting sun.  In the days of old, Tiger warriors slayed their prey violently, and didst seize Heisman hardware and don the champion's armor.  But Lo, embracing the virtue of generosity as their credo in life, didst they tragically practice it upon the battlefields ? dropping forth the fumble and the errant pass into the scaly hands of gators, hogs, dawgs, and pachyderms -  whose warriors' allegiance was to the gold coin.  And defeat didst visit the Plains in key battles, leaving barren of tissue the Corner of Toomer  while evil-doers swilled Atlantan grog.  But the gods doth love the good and holy People of the Tiger, and sent unto them a most manly leader .  Patrick Fain, of the Dyes, didst stride upon the field of Jordan and Hare, forging the  manly metal of the conqueror.  And Lo, twelve blissful falls and winters didst the People of the Tiger walk with pride, and gulp the victory grog - for many were their conquests, and feared were their warriors."

"I prophesy in truth ? all ye who would listen.  Now returneth the Day of the Untethered Tiger.  He strides again among us, and his razor-edged teeth flash of blood red.  Flee whilst ye can, flee! Flee  now, and silence your gum beatings until the cold winds of December bloweth through your trailer parks!"

And Lo, do Spirit and Tiger turn boldly their eagle eyes to their northern horizon to the Land of Low Hygiene, also known the Land of Few Teeth, where dwelleth the People of the Inbred.  And it is there, in but three sunsets hence, the Tiger shall stride proudly and visit a most violent death upon the hillbilly nation.  No easy battle ground is the Ney Land, as the malodorous contempt of unwashed Knoxburgians doth suffocate all warriors like the noxious emissions of a Tennessee stud.  And this land is unsafe for woman or child, as the Inbreeders are an unlawful and barbaric nation in which cousin, sister, brother, father and uncle are indistinguishable one from the other.  And to date, of forty and seven battles waged with the Inbreds, twenty and three found the Tiger standing, twenty and one to the monotooths, and three ended in truce as no warrior remained standing.

"Fear not, shouted King Tubs to his warriors!  Prepared are we!  Prepared are we for battle in the Land of Low Hygiene with the bucktoothed, barefooted and the coonskinned!  Their war lord, known as Pumpkin Belly, reclines even now at the all-yew-can-eat barn, preoccupied as he is with West Vance and lawyerly agitations.  But one week hath he prepared for our violent incursion, and months now have our battle generals schemed.

We shall visit upon the Ney Land a night of Chizikian horror and an engulfing inferno of Borgian hell!  Shocked, and awed, shall be the stain-toothed, Cro Magnon, big-haired, big-legged, orange-clad cheer wenches at the decisive blow they are dealt.  The Cadillac shall droppeth into overdrive, and hurl unto the end zone a most unexpected lethal aerial. And the Hummer shall steamroll, leaving in his wake the Skoal-stained entrails of the weaker warriors.  And before millions of watchful eyes shall the aerial supremacy of Jason be crowned as king, whose arrows find their red zone target not three, but four times.

And having humbled the confused tribe of the protruding foreheads shall King Tubs march triumphantly unto center battlefield, and shall he brandish his sword, lopping off the head of the scribe called Corso.  But Lo, shall King Tubs spare the Pumpkin Belly, for the mere amusement of his conquest of the Crimson Kneck Elephant Tide in the Land of Ney.

And amid this scene of Ney Land horror, one hundred thousand shall be the number of Vol-In-Tears who shall hurl themselves wide-eyed and screaming into the raging waters of the roaring river below.  And Lo, claiming the Ney Land as their own, the Tiger warriors shall shout in victory, and poureth forth the grog of victory, and puffeth the sweet cigar of conquest. And their lovely cheer wenches shall cheer, dance maidens dance, until a midnight return to the tissue covered Corner of Toomer!

Amen.

Manly Tiger

Birmingham, Alabama

Auburn  31  Tennessee  17

(Yes, I'm serious.  TENN falls victim to the freshman QB tradition of blowing an early big game BIG.  TENN having no earthly idea what to expect from Borges so early in the season is a huge Auburn advantage.  I see the Tigers getting one defensive TD, and the Cadillac rolling to set up some passing success.  And DO keep your eyes peeled for a Carnell Williams halfback pass as he takes a toss sweep to the right.  Shhhhh . . . ).

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AcctTiger Proficient

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We should all pay a visit to WarDamnTailgate. It looks awesome....

My buddies tailgate very close to them......They put on an AUsome tailgate!

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AuNuma1 Veteran

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This article is so much more funny after all's said and done.

Chizikian horror...Borgian hell. :lol:

34 - 10!!

20 - 3!!

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AuNuma1 Veteran

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And the Hummer shall steamroll, leaving in his wake the Skoal-stained entrails of the weaker warriors.

:roflol::roflol::roflol:

107481[/snapback]

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:lol:

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