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Most annoying SEC schools


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http://theauburner.com/wes_secrundown.html

SEC Rundown

6-6-05

By: Wes

Wes is a new theauburner.com writer, he's far too talented for this website, but we'll let him post every now and then..

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I think that it probably goes without saying that the Auburn Tigers are the cream of the SEC, but there may be a few doubters who need hard evidence. Well, I have spent the last 7 months doing countless hours of hands on research and I think you may be interested in the results. Below I have listed every other school in the conference, with my scientific conclusions that prove why each school is simply an inferior program when compared to the Tigers of Auburn. We will start our list with the least irritating and progressively work our way up to the most annoying schools in the SEC.

11.) Vanderbilt-

I live in Nashville, and believe me when I tell you that Vandy students don’t even cheer for Vandy football. Vandy students are caught in that unfortunate place where they are too smart for football, but not quite smart enough for an Ivy League school. Bummer. At least when you Vanderbilt students enter the work force you will get to boss around all those annoying UT students that will be forced to do manual labor for the rest of their lives… Seriously though, how annoying can a school that is about as much of a threat as LA Monroe possibly be? That’s why they find themselves this high in our ranking.

10.) South Carolina-

Not even a legendary coach that had no business stooping to your level could bring you out of the mire and muck that is South Carolina football. Let’s face it, the greatest SC football moment of recent history was at the very end of “Remember the Titans” when we learned that Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass had gone on to play at South Carolina. Chalk one up for the Gamecocks. Again, a relatively harmless team that just doesn’t have the swagger of the other teams in our conference. Welcome to the ten-spot.

9.) Kentucky-

Ah yes, I can remember the glory years of Tim Couch. As I recall, he led the Big Blue to an astounding 7 win season once. By the way, have any of you ever been to Kentucky? It is quite possibly the most hideous state in the union, (running neck and neck with Arkansas). The reason Kentucky is obsessed with basketball is because they can play it inside, and they don’t have to be constantly reminded what a crappy state they live in. They aren’t higher on the list, simply because I feel sorry for them. They live in Kentucky, after all.

8.) Ole Miss-

Was anyone else not that impressed by Eli Manning in college? I mean, the guy always had close to 300 yards at the end of the game, but I never remember watching him and saying to myself, “Wow, this guy is good!” Everyone thinks Ole Miss is special because they have “The Grove.” It is no secret that TigerWalk puts every other pregame ritual to shame. If a person had the guts, he could actually get close enough to pinch King Dunlap’s massive rear. What other pregame ritual gets you into the action like that!

7.) Arkansas-

As mentioned earlier, Arkansas is always in a battle for the crappiest state in America. They probably should have folded the entire athletic department up about a decade ago when they won the national basketball title. Newsflash for optimistic Arkansas fans- Matt Jones not only led your team, he was your team. However, we do accept your invitation to come to your house and stomp you. They find themselves in the middle of the pack because they are always a scrappy team that comes to play.

6.) Georgia-

Always a good team, but never can get over the hump. I am a firm believer that this is because God curses those who put clothes on animals. You take that mutt of a bulldog out in 138 degree Georgia weather every Saturday and put a sweater on him! Where are the PETA people on this one? If you are reading this and you are thinking Hey, I put clothes on my animals, then rest assured that no one likes you. Animals have fur- if they don’t, then God meant for them to freeze to death in the winter. End of story. Most expected Georgia to be higher on the list, but are they really that annoying? I think that Junior Rosegreen probably showed us how invincible the Georgia team is last season with his homicide hit. I still smile when I think about that game.

5.) LSU-

Here is an actual videotaped conversation between two LSU fans:

“Hey, (Insert random LSU fan’s name here), What did you have for breakfast?”

“Oh, the usual- Cap’n Crunch and bourbon.”

LSU fans are the most incoherent group of people that aren’t named Ozzy Osbourne. Have you ever had a conversation with an LSU fan and understood a complete sentence? Didn’t think so. LSU fans had a great season a couple of years ago when they won it all, though. If that gets too annoying, you can usually shut them up by asking how they did last year and casually mentioning that we were “Thirteen and eaux.”

4.) Florida-

Two words: Ron Zook. Has a team ever gone from the top to mediocrity as fast as the Gators? Every year we are told that this is going to be the year that Chris Leak leads his team back to the top. Seems as though young Christopher Leak is running out of years though. The UF gameday atmosphere is great, but stealing the theme music from Jaws? If I am Steven Spielberg, your school would have made me much richer with copyright infringement suits. Maybe Vanderbilt can follow UF’s lead and steal a song like “It’s Raining Men,” or something by George Michael. Florida is quickly losing points in the annoying category because they no longer have the confidence Spurrier always gave them. To the entire state of Florida: your teams are slipping.

3.) Miss. St.-

Where do you begin with Mississippi State? I’ll tell you where- the cowbells. Does anything scream “Hey, look at me- my aunt is my cousin!” like bringing a cowbell to a football game and shaking the heck out of it? Sorry Sylvester, you were dealt a pretty poor hand at MSU and it doesn’t look like it’s getting better. Anyone been to Starkville? Yeah, me neither. Ranked this highly for one reason- the cowbells. Even Christopher Walken wouldn’t welcome this much cowbell.

2.) Tennessee-

I have actually gotten my hands on the UT Band’s playlist for the upcoming season:

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rocky Top

Rock- well, you get the picture. As if this wasn’t enough reason to hate Tennessee, all the world gathers every year before football season and thinks of a new way to convince everyone else how good Tennessee is going to be. What is it with the media? They absolutely adore the boys in fluorescent orange. Apparently the sheen off of the obnoxious orange jerseys have actually blinded sports writers and talent scouts around the country. This is not a top 5 team. Period. Oh, and Peyton Manning is a girl. Now there’s a period.

No surprise who comes in at #1 here….

1.) Alabama-

Ah yes, we’ve finally come to our in-state rival- the University of Alabama. Dude, what has this school done right in the last 10 years? It’s like the time I started a dynasty with them on the EA game and did everything within my power to make them the 117th ranked team in the country. Every year they recruit a ton of players, all of whom are only 2 or 3 star players, and then tell the AU fans how their great new class is going to dominate us in the near future. Their coach’s only talent is waiting for a video camera to zoom in on him, and then inexplicably yelling every profanity known to man for all of the nation to see. Furthermore, if I hear one more ESPN personality praise Brodie Croyle for anything whatsoever, I may stab myself in the eye with a pencil. Please! Why don’t you put a 12 year old girl out there in pads and see if she can stay healthy longer than this wimp. We won’t even go into how the Bama fans are always talking about the “12 National Championships.” Note to Alabama fans: Keep your 12 and continue to suck profusely, while we move right along in the midst of our own college football dynasty.

There you have it- months, maybe even years of hard research condensed into an easy two and half minute read. These are hard facts people- there is no disputing them. Having said that, I would still take the SEC pound for pound against any conference in America. The Pac-10 and Big 12 are a bunch of sissies and bedwetters- there, I said it. While roughly 92% percent of the SEC is comprised by obnoxious players and fans, they do know how to play football. Well, except for Vandy…

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10.) South Carolina-

Not even a legendary coach that had no business stooping to your level could bring you out of the mire and muck that is South Carolina football. Let’s face it, the greatest SC football moment of recent history was at the very end of “Remember the Titans” when we learned that Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass had gone on to play at South Carolina. Chalk one up for the Gamecocks. Again, a relatively harmless team that just doesn’t have the swagger of the other teams in our conference. Welcome to the ten-spot.

:roflol:

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