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Auburn vs Nebraska may be in doubt


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Dang... I had this great copy-pasta I worked on based on a request over on the r/WDE sub-reddit. Oh well, here it is...

Nebraska fans smell just like corn. Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

Nebraska fans do smell like corn.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.
I am afraid that they’ll know I said it. I’ll walk past a Nebraska fan someday, and he’ll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, “gee, what is that smell? Is it corn?” The next thing you know, I’ll have flat tires on my car.
If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell Nebraska fans how they smell – you know, like corn.

Nebraska fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn issue. I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by Nebraska fans. If you attend a game in Lincoln, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn. Say something else instead. Like, “Wow, Nebraska sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great Big Ten game.”

It’s hard. I know. It’s like when you’re having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn topics like: “Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn?”; or “Is this a real person or is it a giant ear of corn trying to make me think it is a real person?” or “What did that giant ear of corn just say?” or “Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn smell?” or, of course, after a silencer: “Madam, did you just let the corn out?”

Heck, after what I’ve heard about Nebraska fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That’s okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don’t be obvious about it. Somehow they know you’re trying not to breathe in the corn smell. And that offends them. They’ll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you’re doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it’ll permeate your whole body, and then you’ll smell like corn just like they do. But don’t say, “Dang, now I smell like corn .” They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn . Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don’t say it. If you do start smelling like corn, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around Nebraska fans. If Nebraska fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression – indicating they smell corn – might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that’s dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive – on some other weekend.

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn stuff. What puzzles me most is that I’ve never actually seen any of these Nebraska fans with corn cobs in their hands. Okay, maybe there’s no mystery there – maybe they already ate the corn. Who knows? Maybe there’s a corn factory in Lincoln and they all work there. Maybe, there’s a corn-lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn juice in the water supply – kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more butter or more salt to the water. Don’t comment on it though. It’s not politically correct over there. It’s like a malnutrition issue or something. It’s like the corn is probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Lincoln, you’re thinking: “Ahhhh. Here I am in Lincoln, Nebraska. I’ll bet the people here smell just like runzas or tin-roof sundaes or some fancy Midwestern food.” But just stop thinking that. That’s just a myth. They smell just like corn .

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn odor. And don’t try masking the odor with something stronger. They’ll curse at you. They’ll say something like: “WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home,” or “WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn?” and they’ll cuss out your kids too: “WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn’t want to smell like corn.”

Nebraskans are not like us. Don’t you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn aroma. They know they smell like corn and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the Bammers and the UGA Dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don’t press your luck with the Husker fans. Don’t refer to Pinnacle Bank Arena as Corn Field Arena either. I mean that’s just wrong. Even if you’ve been drinking, they’ll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction – even if you’re laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can’t control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn body odor from a distance or that you’re choking on it or something. They’ll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good basketball teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the match-up. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn jollies at home.

Enough with this corn talk. Let’s play ball…

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