Kerry's Resume

[BamaGrad03 146]

Hope this hasn't already been posted.

JOB APPLICATION

NAME:

John F. Kerry (just call me JFK)

RESIDENCES:

7 mansions, including Washington DC, worth multimillions. And I served in Vietnam (4 months).

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a U.S. Senator. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. But I did serve in Vietnam (4 months).

MILITARY:

Yes, I served in Vietnam (4 months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). My commanding officer said he suggested this to get rid of me, but I think it was my idea (why would anyone want to get rid of me?). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, met with the North Vietnamese in secret talks in Paris, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. If you don't believe me, just go to http://www.stolenhonor.com/. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier" shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (4 months).

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an MBA. However, I was one of the best on the debate team.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa. However, I did serve in Vietnam (4 months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

As a U.S. Senator, I have set the record for the "most liberal" voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation that came along. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. And did I mention I served in Vietnam (4 months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million. But I served in Vietnam (4 months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. However, I served in Vietnam (4 months).

GOALS:

* I definitely want to raise your taxes because I have all these really neat ways to intrude on your lives.

* I want to restrict the discovery and development of our own natural energy sources.

* I want the government to take over the health care in this country. I have a plan.

* I want mandatory, state-run preschool classes so we can re-adjust your children.

* I want to make sure that the killing of our pre-born children remains legal, especially partial-birth abortion.

* I want to replace the next 1 to 3 Supreme Court justices with liberal judges so that we can continue to re-invent our Constitution.

* I believe faith-based initiatives have no place in our society. We must continue to remove God from society.

* I want to turn our military initiatives over to the United Nations.

* I really enjoy my money, but my main goal is power.

...there is so much more, but a good application should only be 1 page in length.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

* Records - None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

* References - My wife, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton.

PERSONAL:

* I practice my Catholic faith when cameras are pointing my way.

* I ride a Serotta Bike

* I love to ski/snowboard (especially when those son-of-a-#### secret service get out of my way).

* My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."

* I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinkley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."

* I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real American culture.

* I own several large SUVs, including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, although I am

against large, inefficient, polluting vehicles and blame President Bush for energy problems.

* Last but not least, I served in Vietnam (4 months). Because of my vast military experience, I am very

capable of leading our military, especially in time of war. Trust me - I know the military.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE, ACCOMPLISHMENTS & GOALS WHEN VOTING IN 2004 !!!

[CCTAU 2,379]

Bush should read this on national TV the day before the election. The hypocritical truths are all in there. But mainstream media will not cover it.