AUDub 10,990 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 LOL COLUMBUS, OH—Facing a critical shortage of key lethal injection drugs with over 100 inmates currently waiting on the state’s death row, desperate Ohio officials announced Tuesday that they were now exploring homeopathic execution methods. “Supply restrictions prevent us from obtaining the thiopental sodium or pentobarbital used under our old system, but we’re confident that our new combination of noxious herbs and lethal dilutions will allow us to swiftly and humanely execute our worst offenders via natural means,” said Ohio prisons spokesperson Michael Ewert, adding that the state had consulted with a number of leading homeopaths, gurus, and yogis to ensure their new, holistic method of capital punishment would be effective for killing inmates in mind, body, and soul. “The linchpin of our new system is a potent three-herb cocktail of foxglove, wolfsbane, and deadly nightshade, which will shut down the inmate’s chakras one by one before completely extinguishing their ch’i and then, finally, stopping their heart.” At press time, Ewert confirmed that the state had scrapped the new procedure after an inmate’s spirit had been trapped at the threshold of the natural world for three hours before finally passing into a state of infinite wisdom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShocksMyBrain 9,345 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Severus Snape couldn't be reached for comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AUDub 10,990 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 On a slightly more serious note. Referencing rulings to restrict capital punishment and changing sentiment within the Supreme Court, Justice Antonin Scalia said Tuesday he wouldn't be surprised if the nation's highest court invalidates the death penalty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triangletiger 1,599 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I hate it when my chakras get shut down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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