Funnies for the Day

[DKW 86 7,950]

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he

has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies'

expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a

complete stop, that's the law! License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between

slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration

and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

Aging Gracefully

A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check. She

reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to

write

with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing

her

mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some butthole's

got my pen."

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think isthe

best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No

peer pressure".

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very

elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

"Two

years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She

responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't

hear

anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that

make

me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have

poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if

I

m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But ...thank God, I still have my

driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my

sex drive lowered." Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think

your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied

the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her

rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and

second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart

"Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"