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Guest Tigrinum Major

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Guest Tigrinum Major

The Salami Tsunami weighs in...

Tom is not My Friend 8/22/2006

Hey, Dusty, are you on Myspace? What's your Myspace? Come see my Myspace page- it's awesome. I found my best friend from junior high school on Myspace. It's the best thing ever. Join Myspace. It's becoming an employment imperative at Atlanta Illustrated. We have a Myspace account now and all of the billions of wretched subscribers can now officially be our friend. Not you. You're not wretched- I'm talking about the other ones.

ALRIGHT. I joined Myspace a while back and quit when it became irritating. Now it has somehow become necessary for me to rejoin. And while I will stop short of calling half of the world's population losers for having a subscription, I will say I fail to see the charm. Probably because I am not much of a social animal, not in high school, and not presently interested in molesting children. Don't get all defensive- I'm not saying you suck if you are a Spacer. I'm just saying it came across as sort of untertaining to me. Here's why-

Tom thinks he's everybody's friend. I find that slightly presumptuous, but maybe he's just doing it so you don't have to see the screen that says "Dusty has 0 friends". It was about three weeks before I figured out how to remove Tom from my list of friends. It was sort of unimportant anyway, because I didn't know half of the people who were on my friends list, nor had I a clue how they got there. I think they sent me an email and then POW! they're my friends. Or maybe I clicked something.

The whole friends thing is troublesome for me as well. There are only about six people on this earth who I consider friends. I keep in touch with these people outside of the internet by actually going places and doing things with them. So let's loosen the definition of "friend" to include random internet people who claim to have met you before. Now that I am back on the Myspace (which I have done in the interest of fulfilling a request made by the head AI ninja), I plan to have a set of criteria that folks must meet to be considered for friend status. This is also posted on my profile- I just wanted to throw it out there so anyone with aspirations of friendliness could make the proper adjustments.

1. Do not use internet shorthand. If you have time to dick around on Myspace, you have time to spell out "Laugh Out Loud," even if it looks dumber spelled out than abbreviated. I will be periodically checking profiles and blogs and promptly taking steps to figure out how to de-friend you.

2. Take the *bleep* music off of your page. I don't care if "You're Beautifuuuuul" and that's the song that inspires you and makes you want to be with your boyfriend forever. That stupid song starts over every time your page loads and it reminds me why I destroyed every FM radio I own.

3. No Animated gifs on your page. If your gay friends send you that hilarious dancing frog animation and it shows up with all of the notes people write to you, fine. I'm not choosing your friends. Just don't make it a permanent part of your page, for the love of god. This applies to those dumb trails of butterflies and hearts that follow my cursor around, too.

4. You don't have to be a designer to know if your page is readable. White text on a background of a thousand chickens doing the Macarena makes for a wholly unhappy reading experience.

5. DO NOT ask why you are not in my top eight. If you need friends that badly, Myspace is a good place to start learning lessons like "why you don't ask acquaintances to like you more than they already do."

6. This used to be the no bulletins rule, but I gave up. I think there are simply too many people out there who think everyone who casually knows them on line actually cares that they just broke up with their girlfriend. So sending out bulletins is sort of okay, as long as you don't

a. Send me a survey. Which of the people on my friends list would I make out with? Are you serious? Surveys are for teenage girls and the devil.

b. Tell me to check out your favorite band. I'm sure they rock hardcore. Don't make me check them out.

c. Send anything like the following- "So I'm sure most of you know by now, Brandon is out and doing well. Everything is going great, so I just wanted to than you all for your support during such a difficult time. LOL." You used shorthand and thanked me for support that I didn't provide. Who the hell is Brandon?

So I basically dislike everything that makes Myspace what it is. I'm probably not the best candidate for a page, but I did invent the term "spacer" a few paragraphs back, and that's as awesome as a thousand suns.

Now that I have alienated everyone, here is the link to my magical page. Oh, the friends requests shall flow like pus.

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Surveys are for teenage girls and the devil

Goes for internet polls, too.

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