I Hate A Smart Cop

[AUesquire 1]

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos

around the country:

#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder

than the one you just went through."

#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll

stretch after you wear them a while."

#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your

birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second;

because, that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I

can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor; but, I don't

think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do

that again; or, I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where

you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in

monkey crap."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're

allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal

friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?

You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[AU_tiger_2000 0]

And the opposite...

One time a man was stopped for speeding by a really smart allecky cop. The cop asked the man, "Are you a doctor or something heading to an emergency?" The man answered back that he was an anus stretcher. The cop asked, "How do you do that?"

The man says well you just take your time and start stretching a little at a time and eventually you end up with a six foot anus. The cop asks, "What do you do with a six foot anus?" The man replied

You give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road.

[AUesquire 1]

One of my favorites is where a cop pulls a vehicle over at the Alabama/Mississippi State line. There's two guys in the car and the cop goes to the driver side and whacks him with his club saying, "You're in Alabama now boy. You're supposed to have your license out and waiting for me."

Then he whacks him again. "Ooowww, what the heck was that for?" asks the driver.

"You're in Alabama now boy, you're supposed to have your registration and insurance card ready for me."

He writes the ticket and just before he lets them go, he walks around to the passenger side and has him roll down his window.

WHACK!! "Dang man, what'd you hit me for?" says the passenger.

Cop: "That's for when you get about 2 miles down the road, look over at your buddy and say, "I wish he'd a hit me with that stick."

[AUChizad 0]

And the opposite...

One time a man was stopped for speeding by a really smart allecky cop. The cop asked the man, "Are you a doctor or something heading to an emergency?" The man answered back that he was an anus stretcher. The cop asked, "How do you do that?"

The man says well you just take your time and start stretching a little at a time and eventually you end up with a six foot anus. The cop asks, "What do you do with a six foot anus?" The man replied

You give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road.

Reminds me of an episode of The Sarah Silverman program where she gets intoxicated from cough syrup and wakes up parked in a children's play ground to a police officer tapping her window.

The officer asks "Do you know why I'm standing here right now?"

Sarah replies "Because you made all C's in high school?"

[Guest Tigrinum Major]

Sarah Silverman is my dream girl.

[AUesquire 1]

Sarah Silverman is my dream girl.

Better run that by Double G to see if it's okay to lust after Ms. Silverman.

[AUChizad 0]

Sarah Silverman is my dream girl.

Better run that by Double G to see if it's okay to lust after Ms. Silverman.

We've run that by him before.

He approves.

Whew!

[AUJarhead 72]

Going to house party one year, we got pulled over in Dothan for speeding. I was in the passenger seat, and my buddy Sean was in the back. Sean and I had been drinking all day. The ground was cluttered with empty beer cans. My buddy Mike, who was sober, was driving.

Cop looks in the window. "Are those open containers, son?" Pointing to the beer cans on the floor.

My buddy Mike, without missing a beat, "No, sir. They're empty."

Cop let us off with a warning.

[Jenny AU-92 0]

My dad (a retired cop) ACTUALLY got to use a famous line in a confrontation with a jerk one time. Dad was in his personal vehicle, driving through Anniston, and stopped at a red light. When it turned green, and Dad started accelerate, a punk ass guy stepped off the curb in front of him and Dad had to slam on the brakes. The guy slammed his fists on the hood of Dad's car and called him a very not nice name. Dad threw the car into park and got out - he was in civilian clothes, but as always was armed and badged. The guy pulled a hunting knife out and told my dad to bring it on. Dad pulled his badge and his Glock and drew down on the guy and told him he was a stupid MF for bringing a knife to a gun fight. The guy instantly had a change of personality - he dropped the knife and ran.

My daddy is the baddest dude I know. He's my hero.

[AU_tiger_2000 0]

Are you trying to say that your Dad could beat up my Dad?

[AUesquire 1]

My dad's cool. Your dad eats boogers.

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Are you trying to say that your Dad could beat up my Dad?

No. My dad would just shoot your dad - why waste time fighting when you are packing heat?