Clark W. Grizwold's Worst Nightmare!

[AU_tiger_2000 0]

[otterinbham 0]

Wow. Somebody actually took the time to do that.

[AU_tiger_2000 0]

Wow. Somebody actually took the time to do that.

It was on Outdoor Life's website, it started with a prank article about squirrel attacks in national parks, then it followed it up with the pics.

[Defense(clap clap) 4]

If you've ever had a squirrel in your house, you know how hard it is to get those damn things out.

I had one invite itself inside about 2 years ago. I still have the story I wrote to tell all my friends the harrowing tale.

Had a squirrel in my shower this morning. Yes, a ******* squirrel in my shower. Squirellus Breakinmyhouseandgetinmy******showerus No idea how that little bastard got there, but sure enough I go in the bathroom to take a shower this morning and see this guy clinging for his life to the shower curtain. I thought I may have been dreaming at first but when I saw the look of cold, cold death in his beady black eyes I knew it was real. I hated him. He hated me. So here we are, sizing each other up me with a towel around my neck in my boxers and him with nothing but gray fur, whiskers and a tail for amazing balance. I had the size and power advantage, but he's got all the quickness and tanacity. My roomates were gone. It was me vs. nature. Man vs. beast. Well, not really beast, but I don't have any of that high tension reality show music, so just work with me here.

The first that that goes through my mind is obviously, how the hell am I going to get this thing out of my house? Should I go Clark W. Griswold on it and catch in a pillowcase and smack it with a hammer? I kind of like my pillowcases and I'd rather there be no bloodshed on such a nice morning. Should I try to catch him with my bare hands? No chance of that. A. he's quicker than I'll ever be, and B. he's a rodent and there's no telling what diseases it's got and he would most likely bite and/or scratch the ****outta me even if I were to catch him. I do the only logical thing and form a path to the front room of the house where he can escape to squirrel freedom using the ironing board, my guitar amp, a chair from the computer, and some sofa cushions. Brilliant! Now how to I get him to go down his path to freedom, his "Underground Railroad" if you will? He's still got a death grip on the shower curtain, but he's moved to the inside now. I see your game squirrel. I'll raise the pot.

So, again, logic comes in to play and I get a hand towel in the bathroom and try to pop him off the shower curtain into the tub with what we boys used to call a "rat tail." I'm not exactly sure what this was going to accomplish, but it's a start. I got him once or twice and he lets go and falls into the tub. Silence. Uh oh, did he get knocked out? I creep forward to see what our little friends situation is. Nope, he's still in the game. The next logical move is to, obviously, pull the shower curtain all the way open. This sends our friend into a flurry of trying to run up the side of the porcelain walls to no avail. Silence again. Did he have a heart attack? Nope, still playing. So now I figure I'll dangle the hand towel I popped his little gray ass with into the tub thinking he'll grab on and I can whip him out in the hallway and on his path to freedom. This squirrel does not take candy from strangers. You're loss pal. I rattle the shower curtain around some more to get him moving and it works. He scrambles up the side of the tub and grabs a hold of the outside curtain. I start furiously "rat tailing" away at him to get him out of the ****** tub already. Now he's out and I'm dancing like a little girl on her birthday in the bathroom as he scrambles by. He breaks for the path to the outside world......and squeaks between the amp and the ironing board and behind my records into the wrong living room. *******!

We have two living rooms. One is technically a dining room but that's got the computer, etc in it and is the "back" living room, and the other is pretty much the "tv" living room with the front door and our little sneaky bastards route to freedom fries. So he's in the wrong living room. Well, by this time I've got to get ready for work. So I shut all the doors that lead out of those two rooms and take a shower and get dressed. The front door is wide open mind you. I thought I heard some scrambling as I was in my room getting dressed. I either really did, or it was just wishful thinking.

Before I left for work I took a broom and rattled it around behind where he was, behind the sofas, and anywhere that a squirrel might go. No reaction out of anywhere. Either he's on to my game and he plans on eating all my Wheat Thins (honey wheat) while I'm at work or he's out and probably already mating with some of the squirrel sluts of the neighborhood. I'm hoping on the latter. This ordeal, which was both mentally and physically taxing on the both of us, what has it taught me? Absolutely nothing, other than don't let a ******* squirrel in your house.

David and Scott, I've given you fair warning that when you open the front door after work today, shield your eyes(I've heard that's what they go for first) and get ready to do battle with one of natures sneakiest and tenacious creatures. Don't look them in the eyes. They take that as both a sign of love and fear. They'll tear your ass apart if you do. Sneaky little bastards.

-------------------------------------------------------

He was still in the house in David's bedroom. He jumped off the top of his bookcase and scared the bejeezus out of him when he got home from work. That's ok though, 'cause he was the bama fan in the house. We eventually got him out though. Took some serious planning.

[AUTiger1 0]

If you've ever had a squirrel in your house, you know how hard it is to get those damn things out.

I had one invite itself inside about 2 years ago. I still have the story I wrote to tell all my friends the harrowing tale.

Had a squirrel in my shower this morning. Yes, a ******* squirrel in my shower. Squirellus Breakinmyhouseandgetinmy******showerus No idea how that little bastard got there, but sure enough I go in the bathroom to take a shower this morning and see this guy clinging for his life to the shower curtain. I thought I may have been dreaming at first but when I saw the look of cold, cold death in his beady black eyes I knew it was real. I hated him. He hated me. So here we are, sizing each other up me with a towel around my neck in my boxers and him with nothing but gray fur, whiskers and a tail for amazing balance. I had the size and power advantage, but he's got all the quickness and tanacity. My roomates were gone. It was me vs. nature. Man vs. beast. Well, not really beast, but I don't have any of that high tension reality show music, so just work with me here.

The first that that goes through my mind is obviously, how the hell am I going to get this thing out of my house? Should I go Clark W. Griswold on it and catch in a pillowcase and smack it with a hammer? I kind of like my pillowcases and I'd rather there be no bloodshed on such a nice morning. Should I try to catch him with my bare hands? No chance of that. A. he's quicker than I'll ever be, and B. he's a rodent and there's no telling what diseases it's got and he would most likely bite and/or scratch the ****outta me even if I were to catch him. I do the only logical thing and form a path to the front room of the house where he can escape to squirrel freedom using the ironing board, my guitar amp, a chair from the computer, and some sofa cushions. Brilliant! Now how to I get him to go down his path to freedom, his "Underground Railroad" if you will? He's still got a death grip on the shower curtain, but he's moved to the inside now. I see your game squirrel. I'll raise the pot.

So, again, logic comes in to play and I get a hand towel in the bathroom and try to pop him off the shower curtain into the tub with what we boys used to call a "rat tail." I'm not exactly sure what this was going to accomplish, but it's a start. I got him once or twice and he lets go and falls into the tub. Silence. Uh oh, did he get knocked out? I creep forward to see what our little friends situation is. Nope, he's still in the game. The next logical move is to, obviously, pull the shower curtain all the way open. This sends our friend into a flurry of trying to run up the side of the porcelain walls to no avail. Silence again. Did he have a heart attack? Nope, still playing. So now I figure I'll dangle the hand towel I popped his little gray ass with into the tub thinking he'll grab on and I can whip him out in the hallway and on his path to freedom. This squirrel does not take candy from strangers. You're loss pal. I rattle the shower curtain around some more to get him moving and it works. He scrambles up the side of the tub and grabs a hold of the outside curtain. I start furiously "rat tailing" away at him to get him out of the ****** tub already. Now he's out and I'm dancing like a little girl on her birthday in the bathroom as he scrambles by. He breaks for the path to the outside world......and squeaks between the amp and the ironing board and behind my records into the wrong living room. *******!

We have two living rooms. One is technically a dining room but that's got the computer, etc in it and is the "back" living room, and the other is pretty much the "tv" living room with the front door and our little sneaky bastards route to freedom fries. So he's in the wrong living room. Well, by this time I've got to get ready for work. So I shut all the doors that lead out of those two rooms and take a shower and get dressed. The front door is wide open mind you. I thought I heard some scrambling as I was in my room getting dressed. I either really did, or it was just wishful thinking.

Before I left for work I took a broom and rattled it around behind where he was, behind the sofas, and anywhere that a squirrel might go. No reaction out of anywhere. Either he's on to my game and he plans on eating all my Wheat Thins (honey wheat) while I'm at work or he's out and probably already mating with some of the squirrel sluts of the neighborhood. I'm hoping on the latter. This ordeal, which was both mentally and physically taxing on the both of us, what has it taught me? Absolutely nothing, other than don't let a ******* squirrel in your house.

David and Scott, I've given you fair warning that when you open the front door after work today, shield your eyes(I've heard that's what they go for first) and get ready to do battle with one of natures sneakiest and tenacious creatures. Don't look them in the eyes. They take that as both a sign of love and fear. They'll tear your ass apart if you do. Sneaky little bastards.

-------------------------------------------------------

He was still in the house in David's bedroom. He jumped off the top of his bookcase and scared the bejeezus out of him when he got home from work. That's ok though, 'cause he was the bama fan in the house. We eventually got him out though. Took some serious planning.

That is a great story.

[AFTiger 282]

I had one make a nest in the outside wall of my bathroom. I was able to trap it outside of the house by covering the attic gable with garden wire where the squirrel had chewed through to gain access. I left a small hole in the wire and bent it outward so the squirrel could crawl out to get food but could not get back in. When I could be sure the squirrel was indeed outside, I closed the wire.

The damn thing ate all of the wood on the gable trying to get back in. I replaced the wood and the following year the squirrel again ate the gable. I had to repair it again and put wire on the outside to protect my house.

A .22 caliber rifle with rat shot does a good job of holding off the hoard.