Golf Jokes...

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pga.com

 

10 Funniest Golf Jokes

Aidan McCusker

2–3 minutes

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There's no denying it— Golf is hard.

And sometimes, you need to keep things light to ease the frustration and help golfers change their mindset. There's no better place to be than the golf course, so keep it fun and enjoy your round with 10 of the funniest golf jokes we were able to find.

1. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.

2. Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.

3. A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?” The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”

   “You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”

   “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were."

4. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

5. What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

6. You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.

7. After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game, went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider? The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."

8. What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.

9. Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? A golf course!!

10. Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that's how long it took the Scotts who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.  

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?

He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!” 

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One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.  

The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. 

John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”

Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?” 

John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently you can’t get out of here with a seven. 

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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. 

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. 

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU. 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible.  

As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. 

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. 

Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital.  

When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor, and asked about his wife’s condition. 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn’t you?” 

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had. 

“Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself mister, because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life!  

The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it’s just as well that you went ahead and finished your round, because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.” 

“Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked. 

“Because for the rest of your wife’ life she will require ’round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!” 

The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, so he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. 

The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin.  

“Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?” 

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A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”

The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?” 

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Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”

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The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

“Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no undies. Why not?”

She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

 Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?”

She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”  The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jesus, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

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Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you’re just not your old self today, what’s the matter?” asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mabel’s dead.” “Damn, that’s terrible,” said Bob, “You sat you ‘think’ your wife is dead. Aren’t you sure?” “Well,” responded Mike, “The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

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Husband wakes up at 5 a.m. and rolls out of bed to get ready to go for his 6:30 tee time. He gets ready opens the garage door and starts backing out and he notices that it's drizzling outside. He thinks about not going and then decides not to go pulls the car back into the garage and he goes and sits in the living room and watches TV for about an hour. He finally decides to go back upstairs,gets into bed slowly to not wake up the wife and he kisses her shoulder and he says "it's raining outside". The wife then says "and can you believe it,my idiot husband went golfing".