The Saga of $ellout $aban

[AU Yardbird 0]

The Saga of "$ellout $aban"

Let me think, Hmmmm, how does that go ...

Blurred screen fades to Miami Dolphins Press Conference.

..........

$aban: "There is no way that I am going to be the Coach at Alabama, period. I will not discuss it further."

............

$aban: What Jimmy, the offer is only $2.0 mill. Tell them to go away.

Spurrier to $aban : They want you too. Well, I guess that is good news. Be sure to get more money from SC. I am sure that they will pay it to keep you. ... Who me?? No. I definitely do not want that head ache of a job. To many uneducated redneck fans to suit me. It would have to be a god awful amount of money for anybody to take that job. Besides, it has been a career killer since the old drunk died. Anyway, thanks for calling and giving me a heads up.

...........

$aban: What Jimmy, they hired Rich? Oh well, he will do them a good job.

...........

$exton: Nick, good news. Rich turned them down.

$aban: How is that good news and how did that happen. ... What, new facilities and a raise at WV. Good for him. Smart way to leverage those folks in WV. He has learned a few good tricks from me and Spurrier.

$exton: What do you want me to tell them.

$aban: Tell them that there is not enough money to get me to go to Alabama. Besides, I do not intend to play second fiddle to Rich.

$exton: I can't tell them that. It will kill my opportunity to use them as leverage for other clients.

$aban: Then tell them that I am staying at Miami.

...........

$aban to Media: What? This again? How many times do I have to tell you that I am not going to be the Coach at Alabama. I will not discuss it further.

..........

$aban: What Jimmy? They increased the money. $4 million a year. There is no way that I will take the job even for that amount. Look what they did to Shula. They signed a new contract last year and then fired him after only one year. All he got was a $4 million buyout. No way I am going through that. They don't have enough money to make me deal with their bizarre expectations.

...........

$aban to Media: How many times do I have to tell you. I am the coach of the Miami Dolphins. That is my job and I like it. I am concerned only about the Dolphins and nothing else. I will not discuss it further.

.............

$aban to $exton: What????? They offered 4.0 per year for eight years fully guaranteed? Are they really that desperate? You mean I can take this job and regardless of how the team performs they have to pay me. You mean they have no way out. What? Naahhh, Let them squirm. Maybe they will offer even more. Don't tell them anything.

$exton: Come on Nick. I have to tell them something.

$aban: Tell them that we will tell them something tomorrow at 10:00AM. I need to call Wayne.

$aban to Huizinga: Wayne, its happened. Those idiots at Alabama think that they are in the Pros. What offer? They offered $32 million for eight years guaranteed. Wayne, Wayne, stop laughing. Yeah I know, I can't turn that down. Not unless you want to match it. ... Wayne, Wayne, are you still there?? (gurgle on other line) No... Then I guess I am going to Alabama. No, I'm not telling them until tomorrow until after you and I supposedly meet. Maybe they will offer more. You good with that. Good, then keep it under your hat. Wayne, Wayne, PLEASE stop laughing.

$aban to Secretary: Get Mike Shula on the line. (under his breath ... He is really going to like this one.)

$aban to Shula: Guess what Mike. The plan worked. Not only did they have to pay you $4 million to leave so you can go back to the pros, they are going to pay me $4 million for eight years fully guaranteed. (Shula laughing on the other line) No really Mike, $32 million guaranteed. This is going to be the easiest money I can possibly make. I will be set for life and don't really have to do anything.... You were right. They were ripe for the picking. Just let me know if you need any help getting back in the pros. I am sure you are glad that you don't have to listen to that garbage anymore. ... What? Naahh, I am not concerned. With a fully guaranteed contract I can do anything and so long as I show up and put any team on the field there is nothing that they can do. ... Yeah, I know they will fire me. But who cares, with $32 million guaranteed I could care less if they fire me tomorrow.

$aban to self: I wonder where I filed the notes to the speech I gave those suckers at Michigan State. It fooled those folks at LSU too. I am sure it will work with those idiots at Alabama. What the heck. If they are desperate enough to give me $32 million to be a college coach, they could care less if it is the same speech I have given twice in the past. ($aban finds file entitled "New Job Speech Michigan State LSU Miami" $aban changes title to "New Job Speech Michigan State LSU Miami Alabama")

$aban to wife: Honey, pack the bags. We are going back to college. Where is it this time? No, not Michigan. No honey, not Notre Dame. No, Pete's staying at USC. No, FSU didn't get rid of Bowden. ... Stop guessing honey, its Alabama. ..... (sobs on other line) Honey, stop crying. Honey, I know I said that I would never be the coach at Alabama. Honey, I know it is a god awful red color. No, the fight song is not Sweet Home Alabama, it is something that sounds kinda like circus music. It's going to be OK honey. They guaranteed to pay us $32 million. ... No no no, we only have to show up and they will pay us.... Thats right honey. We can deal with these nuts for as long as it takes for them to fire me. Besides, my boss will be Mal Moore. You know, Mal Moore. Yes, yes, he is the same one that Bear moved to Administration because ...... Yes honey, he is still there. .... Yes honey, we are going to Alabama. I know it is not what we wanted but regardless of what happens, they still have to pay. Honey, please stop crying ... it will be OK. Anyway, with their track history with coaches, my best guess is that we will only have put up with them a couple of years before their unreal expectations get us fired. Then we can collect the balance of the guaranteed money, move to the lake, and never have to deal with Coaching any more. Maybe we can figure out a way that we don't have to say Roll Tide. Yes honey, I will tell Jimmy to make sure that the contract does not require it. Maybe that will be how I can get fired and still collect.

[PChamp119 96]

When is this going to end? It seems like 50% of the threads thesedays revolve around Saban and his lying...

[Guest Tigrinum Major]

Well, for starters, you could quit bringing up three hour old threads that NO ONE else has replied to back to the top of the page. Without your reply, I would have completely missed this diatribe. However, when your reply deposited it back to the top of the page and your name appeared on my screen, I was compelled to click on it to ensure there was no calling of names contained within the thread.

So, you see, you are partially to blame.