Off-season humor alert

[SLAG-91 1,483]

Ten Things I'd Love to Hear A College Football Coach Say Before A Season

1. "This is the recruiting class that's going to get me fired. Forget blocking, tackling, passing, catching, and running-- these guys only have vague notions of what those things are. I'm not even sure these guys can walk or chew gum, much less do both simultaneously. The only reason we ended up with these clowns is that every decent football player in the state laughed at us when we called to offer."

2. "As you all know, we've hired a new assistant coach, because frankly, the last coach we had in that position sucked. That idiot couldn't coach lemmings off a cliff. Thank God we got rid of that guy and brought in someone at least semi-competent."

3. "You know, I'm working my tail off trying to build a winner here, but I don't know how I'm supposed to do that when the AD goes and schedules a game against that dangerous team from the mid-major conference. I mean, we've got a home slot all nice and ready for some 1-AA team or 1-A creampuff, and he goes and brings in here a team that can actually beat us. What the hell is that about?"

4. "No, we don't academics all that seriously here. As long as they stay eligible, I don't care how they stay eligible. We had a guy a couple years ago that couldn't have spelled his own name if you showed it to him in the phone book, and he graduated. What does that tell you?"

5. "Intimidation is a key to victory, so we try to instill in our kids the instinct to taunt whenever possible. Throat slashes, sack dances, gang signs-- I want 'em all. I tell my kids, 'If you're not showing up the other team, it's because you're probably losing.'"

6. "The key to building this program is to get better fans. We've got to recruit a higher-caliber fan than the ignorant yokels who are showing up to games now. I can't tell if these inbred twits even know they're at a football game or if they think they're at a tractor pull. And the ones we've got that know what sport they're watching are worse-- they whine when we lose, and they whine when we win. If there are decent football fans out there, we want you attending games at our school. Call me up-- I'll get you seats. Swear to God."

7. "Actually, I thought we got a lot of iffy calls go our way last year. If we'd have gotten much kinder officiating than we got last year, we'd have had to put the zebras on the university payroll."

8. "No, we're not holding spring practice this year. We're pretty much going to run the same plays we ran last year. Our upperclassmen have to know what we're going to do by now, and the younger guys can just watch the film. I mean, it's not that hard to see what it is we're calling out there. You've all seen it. How hard can it be, really? We just tell them, 'Block that guy'. 'Run that way.''Catch it if he throws it to you.' If they can't figure that much out, spring practice isn't going to help."

9. "Folks, we're going to stink. I don't mean a little either. We're talking the 1991 Prairie View A&M Tigers here. We have absolutely no hope of accomplishing anything positive this year. I've inquired about the possibility of our university dropping the sport as a concession to Title IX, but I'm told we have contracts we must honor, and I so I regret to announce our team will actually be competing-- if competing is at all the appropriate word-- this fall. I must reiterate, however, my objection to this course of action. Our kids' very lives are at stake here. Football just isn't that important."

10. "We've got potential All-Americans four-deep at every position. Our back-up punter runs a 4.4 forty and bench-presses 450 pounds. There isn't a team on our schedule that ought to be able to stay within 21 points of us. If we don't win the national championship this season, I will kiss the feet of the coach whose team beats us, and I will leave this country for a solid year. If we don't win it all, we'll have to have made blunders on par with Napoleon's invasion of Russia. There's just no way this team will lose."

[WarTim 3,457]

The ONLY question I have is WHO stole this from "coach" shula's office?

[hccobb 0]

10. "We've got potential All-Americans four-deep at every position. Our back-up punter runs a 4.4 forty and bench-presses 450 pounds. There isn't a team on our schedule that ought to be able to stay within 21 points of us. If we don't win the national championship this season, I will kiss the feet of the coach whose team beats us, and I will leave this country for a solid year. If we don't win it all, we'll have to have made blunders on par with Napoleon's invasion of Russia. There's just no way this team will lose."

Best quote ever.

[quietfan 233]

The ONLY question I have is WHO stole this from "coach" shula's office?

151504[/snapback]

Come on--it can't be from Shula, there are no F%#*-bombs in the whole thing!

[bammanmr 0]

I was thinking that this was an exerpt from coach orgeron's latest press conference.

[AUslug 1]

#6 is every Alabama coaches wish and along with fans of the other 11 SEC schools.

#10 sounds a lot like LSU fans from last year and this year, hmmm interesting.

[AUesquire 1]

This thread makes me think of the cell phone commercial where the coach comes in to the press conference and the assistant on the cell phone says, "You just got dropped." The coach goes off on everybody in the room.

"You're an idiot and you're an idiot and especially you, you're an idiot"

I mean your call got dropped.

[DKW 86 7,439]

9. "Folks, we're going to stink. I don't mean a little either. We're talking the 1991 Prairie View A&M Tigers here. We have absolutely no hope of accomplishing anything positive this year. I've inquired about the possibility of our university dropping the sport as a concession to Title IX, but I'm told we have contracts we must honor, and I so I regret to announce our team will actually be competing-- if competing is at all the appropriate word-- this fall. I must reiterate, however, my objection to this course of action. Our kids' very lives are at stake here. Football just isn't that important."

If you heard CTT in his real moments before 1999 season, he sounded very much this way...