ESPN Owned...

[DKW 86 7,975]

http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?Story...mp;SectionID=15

Stuart Scott

Let's get this one out of the way. Stuart Scott is the personification of everything that is wrong with ESPN and with Disney in general. He's a pompous, arrogant, obnoxious, self-righteous, shameless, soulless corporate shill, a third-rate plagiarist of original, talented men who came before him, a sell-out pillaging his own culture for credibility and profit, an absolutely despicable whore whose only skill is entertaining the lowest common denominator with hack attempts at comedy, thinly veiled moral posturing, and his proximity to real talent.

Dick Vitale

Dick Vitale is an embarrassment. He is a cartoon character. Between his unbearable catch phrases, constant yelling, shamless Duke/ACC bias, I have no idea how he's stuck around for almost 30 years. Despite an almost universal hatred for Dickie V and Duke outside of Durham, ESPN has extended his contract through the 2012-2013 season. I guess we can just hope he dies. And soon.

Desmond Howard

Exposed as a top draft pick in the NFL, Howard was exposed again in the broadcasting game when he earnestly broke down, in his choppy, repetitive version of English, a Cal-Texas 2006 Holiday Bowl match-up that existed only in his feeble imagination. If we were UM grads, we'd be mortified that the marble-mouthed Howard is the de facto spokesman for our university on the Worldwide Leader.

Skip Bayless

I hate to even give this guy a moment's thought. Jesse has dubbed him The Professional Hater. He hates Allen Iverson, the 70's Cowboys, LeBron James, the '02 Buckeyes, the '01 Patriots, beer, candy, smiles, apple pie, and fireworks. He hates whatever will get him attention because he doesn't have an original thought in his head. He's just a sensationalistic contrarian hack. He also hates doing research as proven by endless factual distortions, errors, and ridiculous predictions. Most recently, he went on Jim Rome's terrible show and slandered former University of Illinois basketball star Eddie Johnson, confusing him for another Eddie Johnson who had been arrested on child molestation charges. Johnson later named Skippy in a lawsuit which was settled for an undisclosed amount. How he didn't get fired for that, I have no idea.

Mel Kiper Jr.

You have to have some respect for a guy who can continue to get paid for being terrible at his job. No one at ESPN is more consistently wrong than Kiper. It's remarkable really. Not to mention that he looks like an extra from the taxi stand in Goodfellas.

Jim Rome

I know this one is going to be divisive, but Jim Rome is a tool. There's no way around it. This is a guy who instigated a fight with Jim Everett, a guy who came on his show in good faith as a guest, and Rome got his **** handed to him on live television. Now he has a show with the worst name ever, "Jim Rome is Burning", that is all about his "in-your-face" moral posturing. Please. You're a scumbag, Jim. Your show is for insecure teenage ******* who mimic your tough guy attitude and repeat your idiotic "takes" verbatum on sports message boards.

Ron Franklin

Owner of one of the richest Southern accents on television, Franklin, the ex-radio voice of the Houston Oilers, is so old school you'll want to break out the mint juleps, dust off the Confederate flag, and push for the re-institution of sharecropping just from hearing his mellifluous tones. He did a solid for the man's world when he patronized built-for-comfort sideline-girl Holly Rowe in 2005: in response to Rowe opining that a team's coaching staff was giving up late in a game, Franklin intoned, "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart." Wack!

Scoop Jackson

I'll let Jason Whitlock, former Page 2 columnist and no stranger to writing about race in sports, take this one for me: "Scoop is a clown. And the publishing of his fake ghetto posturing is an insult to black intelligence, and it interferes with intelligent discussion of important racial issues." In another hilariously backwards move by The Leader, Whitlock was fired from Page 2 for that comment. Keep the race-baiting, marginally talented hack; fire the very smart, very talented guy who rightly criticized him. Brilliant.

Lou Holtz

Note to the Worldwide Leader: when hiring a college football analyst, make sure he, a.) doesn't have a speech impediment, and b.) doesn't automatically pick a team he once coached to win, no matter how lopsided the result. We're waiting for this exchange:

Rece: "USC and William & Mary. Coach?"

Lou: "Well guys... William & Mary is going to win. And I'm uh-tell you why."

Michael Irvin

Retired athletes are rarely good. Nine times out of ten they are only there for name recognition. They almost never provide any real insight, most aren't very well spoken, and some can't even seem to read at 5th grade level. Irvin is pretty well spoken, and he seems to be able to read. The problem is he's a despicable human being. Why, out of all the retired players out there, would you hire Irvin? I'm not sure Michael Irvin has ever made a good decision in his life, and you are surprised when he gets arrested with a crack pipe or makes a silly racial comment? Unbelievable. More unbelievable, he still has his job.

Joe Morgan

The Big Red Machine was a great team. We all know, Joe. You can stop bringing it up. It also might be helpful if you knew which pitches were which, had a loose grasp on the Major League strike zone, and let facts shape your opinions.

Chris Berman

I'm not sure who told Chris Berman he was funny, but whoever it was should be drawn and quartered. Here's a list of some Chris's hilarious nicknames:

Pat "Side" Burns

Jeff Conine "the Barbarian"

Steve "Detroit" Lyons

Gary Sheffield "of Dreams"

Sammy "Say it Ain't" Sosa

He's totally unwatchable at this point. All he does is make sound effects and make up the least creative nicknames of all-time. Unfortunately for us, they will never get rid of him. He's been there forever.

WTH?

Nick Lachey

Need more proof that ESPN doesn't give a **** about real sports fans? How about when Nick Lachey joined College Gameday?

John Clayton

John Clayton is actually a good football analyst, but he's terrifying. Just make him write. This falls into the same category as commentators that can't speak. There are really only three requirements for being a TV sports personality: know your beat, be able to speak on camera, and don't make babies cry with your hideous mug. It is TV, after all. I don't want to look at that guy's horrific head. I'm sorry, but every time I see him I can't help image his mother's vagina being ripped to shreds during his birth. And the hairline... Sweet Jesus.

Jeremy Schaap

Callow, afflicted with terminal head-bob, and insufferably self-righteous, Jeremy in his nepotistic background makes George W. Bush look like the model of a self-made man. Bobby Knight had it right: He has a lot to learn from his father. At this point, it's doubtful he will.

Lee Corso

Corso is ESPN's football version of Dick Vitale- the unsuccessful former coach-turned-comic relief. As a coach, he had the habit of landing at basketball schools like Louisville and Indiana; as an analyst, he has the habit of invariably going wrong in his pre-game prediction/donning of the headgear. It's bad enough that he calls other men "Sweetheart." Its worse that he's consistently wrong in pretty much everything he says.

Steven A. Smith

Steven A. Smith is Walt Disney's Uncle Remus of the 21st Century. He's the most racist stereotype on television- an ignorant, loud, obnoxious black man all dressed up so he shuck and jive. They might as well put him in a clown suit and black face. "I yell everything I say, load it with street slang, cry racism at every opportunity, and most of my opinions are either absurdly simplistic or make no f**king sense!"

[kickerman97 3]

OWNED

[Ranger12 53]

Can't disagree with any of those. I especially liked the crack on Jim Rome. That guy irritates the hell out of me. All his slang and tough guy posturing is a joke and as he was very fortunate that there was people in the studio that day to keep Jim Everett from ripping his head off.

[lukeduke 8]

Lou Holtz's picture is eerily lifelike

[SouthLink02 8]

I'm sorry, but every time I see him I can't help image his mother's vagina being ripped to shreds during his birth.

[townhallsavoy 2]

Some of those were pretty DOG-GONE funny.

I'd like to see what he has to say about Herbstreit and Fowler. And the Around the Horn guy. And the PTI guys.

[JohnDeere 0]

Joe Morgan

The Big Red Machine was a great team. We all know, Joe. You can stop bringing it up. It also might be helpful if you knew which pitches were which, had a loose grasp on the Major League strike zone, and let facts shape your opinions.

I know we all have gripes, but just the other day I heard Morgan totally expose hisself. I really liked Morgan, he was supposedly giving good insight about day to day MLB experiences. On Sunday night Baseball, a few weeks ago, Morgan is doing the game. A play comes up and his partner asks something about the 'rotation' of the umpires/mechanics of umpiring. Morgan goes in this two inning explanation of 4 man crew umpiring mechanics versus 3/2 man mechanics. Having umpired a few highschool baseball games in my day, I am thinking, "Joe please shut up you are 99% wrong, I really like your style Joe, you are totally exposing your ignorance Joe by just blowing air on national TV. Joe, I will never be able to take anything that comes out of your mouth concerning baseball serious EVER."

[aucanucktiger 1,932]

Wish he'd done something w/ Mark May and Herbsteit. Those guys are living proof that:

1. ESPN operates on the assumption fans don't remember what its commentators say from one week to the next

2. you can have a job in front of ESPN's cameras so long as you spout your drivel w/ AUTHORITY.

3. ANYBODY can be packaged as contemplative & intelligent (supposedly May) or common sensical (supposedly Herbsteit)

BTW, has anybody else noticed how all sports "shows", not just ESPN, are increasingly dominated by the commentators absolute, can't-go-wrong "predictions"?

[townhallsavoy 2]

Wish he'd done something w/ Mark May and Herbsteit. Those guys are living proof that:

1. ESPN operates on the assumption fans don't remember what its commentators say from one week to the next

2. you can have a job in front of ESPN's cameras so long as you spout your drivel w/ AUTHORITY.

3. ANYBODY can be packaged as contemplative & intelligent (supposedly May) or common sensical (supposedly Herbsteit)

BTW, has anybody else noticed how all sports "shows", not just ESPN, are increasingly dominated by the commentators absolute, can't-go-wrong "predictions"?

You'd be surprised how many people put their money on those guys' predictions.

[AuburnChopper1 0]

Personally, I would have used "Jiminy the Cricket's" pic for Corso.

As far as Stephen A, I'm not going to go down the racial road here, but as for being a complete total loudmouth...RIGHT ON!

[BZ770 2]

Lots of those were nail on the head remarks. My only 2 disapprovals were R Franklin and Dickie V.

I like Franklins Sat nite Espn football commentary. Dickie V is a trademark in himself, He has came to Auburn before, in 1998 or 99 I don't exactly remember but we beat a top ranked Kentucky team, and he was there to call it. His voice is a trademark.

[AUdmd07 2]

Most of thos hit the nail on the head. I like Ron Franklin, however. If you were going to rag on an ESPN college football announcer, why not Bob Davie or that one woman that does the Big ten games?