You might be a Republican if...

[Donutboy 0]

You Might Be a Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You actually can live off a trust fund or stock dividends that your parents or grandparents gave you.

You still let Mommy and Daddy pay for things for you and/or take you on vacation and you're over 25.

You cheer when a company announces layoffs because that means your stock in that company will go up.

If you believe the government should stay out of the church’s business, then believe in faith based initiatives, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Saddam Hussein needs to be bombed, but that Mubarak and Musharif need American aid, and China needs most favored nation trading status, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Machiavelli was right, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that the government is violating our rights, then support the Patriot Act, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that deficits are bad, but pass tax cuts without corresponding program reductions, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that we are fighting this war to defend American values, then want to hang all the war protesters, you might be a Republican.

If you believe in the right to keep and bear arms, but want to destroy Iraq and North Korea for the weapons that they possess, you might be a Republican.

If you think mentioning Buddha or Mohammed in schools violates the separation of church and state, but want the kids to keep pledging allegiance to a nation “under God”, you might be a Republican.

If you do not believe in a “vast, right wing conspiracy,” but DO believe in a “vast left wing conspiracy”, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that television news is biased and left wing, but believe that Rush Limbaugh and Micheal Savage are fair and balanced, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Donald Rumsfeld is sane, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that Clinton was immoral because of his affair with the office staff, but believe Eisenhower was a great man despite his affair with his secretary, you might be a Republican.

If you think it was unfair that Lincoln got shot, but great that Kennedy got shot, you might be a Republican.

If you STILL think it is all Clinton’s fault, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that John Ashcroft is really interested in justice, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Texans riding around in armed pickup trucks are just expressing their freedoms, but Afghans riding around in armed pickup trucks are a grave threat to America’s freedom, you might be a Republican. AND a redneck.

If you believe anything coming out of Paul Wolfowitz’s mouth, you are seriously deluded, plus maybe a republican.

If you believe that Bush prefers war to diplomacy because it is easier to spell, you are almost as cynical as me.

If you believe that anyone who can see through the steaming fetid pile of bovine excrement that passes for GOP rhetoric is a liberal, you might be a Republican.

If you believe it is worth destroying a 225 year old alliance with France just to smash a petty two-bit tyrant, you might be a republican.

[MDM4AU 332]

My, my, my. What an utterly sophomoric diatribe!!! The author must surely sleep well at night since he/she has everything all figured out. --TigerAl

DITTO!

[Donutboy 0]

My, my, my. What an utterly sophomoric diatribe!!! The author must surely sleep well at night since he/she has everything all figured out. --TigerAl

DITTO!

Aw, Gee MDM. There you go turning our own words against us. That was smooth. Welcome back!!

[Tiger Al 0]

Donutboy, that's hilarious!!!

[TitanTiger 20,481]

Have to say, though I agreed with more of the one against libs, the one against Republicans was more clever.

[ugababe117 0]

Not even remotely funny...try again.

[TitanTiger 20,481]

Not even remotely funny...try again.

Give it up. It was funny, at least parts of it. Folks on both sides need to lighten up.

[ugababe117 0]

Not even remotely funny...try again.

Give it up. It was funny, at least parts of it. Folks on both sides need to lighten up.

It might have been funny to you but you can't speak for everybody.

[Tiger Al 0]

Guess ugababe's a Repug.

[ugababe117 0]

Guess ugababe's a Repug.

You guessed right

[Tiger Al 0]

Here's some more:

“Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.”

o Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

o The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

o Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

o “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

o A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

o Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

o The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

o Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

o If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

o A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

o HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

o Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

o Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

o Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

o A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

o Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

o The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

o You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

o What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

o Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[TitanTiger 20,481]

That list wasn't as clever.

[TitanTiger 20,481]

Not even remotely funny...try again.

Give it up. It was funny, at least parts of it. Folks on both sides need to lighten up.

It might have been funny to you but you can't speak for everybody.

Yeah, I only speak for those who don't take themselves so seriously.

[ugababe117 0]

Not even remotely funny...try again.

Give it up. It was funny, at least parts of it. Folks on both sides need to lighten up.

It might have been funny to you but you can't speak for everybody.

Yeah, I only speak for those who don't take themselves so seriously.

If you knew me you would know that I have a huge sense of humor. It wasn't funny...it might have been back in elementary school but we're not in elementary school anymore. It wasn't original or creative in any way.

[Tiger Al 0]

And you what else, Titan...it was stinky!!!

[TitanTiger 20,481]

It wasn't funny...it might have been back in elementary school but we're not in elementary school anymore.

Yeah, I'm sure the one about confusing "Lenin" with "Lennon" was fodder for uncontrolled laughter in third grade. :roll:

The ones I thought were particularly funny:

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

[ugababe117 0]

It wasn't funny...it might have been back in elementary school but we're not in elementary school anymore.

Yeah, I'm sure the one about confusing "Lenin" with "Lennon" was fodder for uncontrolled laughter in third grade. :roll:

The ones I thought were particularly funny:

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

That doesn't aply to one single republican that I know and trust me I know A LOT of republicans. It's not even close to reality which is why it is so stupid. End of story.

[TitanTiger 20,481]

IT'S AN EXAGGERATION! A PLAY ON STEREOTYPES!

Geez. You have to spell everything out for some people.

For the record, I happen to know a lot of liberals (though I myself am not one), and I don't know any that actually think this way either:

You think Hollywood is some kind of "supreme god" who can do and say no wrong, and should be worshipped 24/7.

You think Freedom of Speech means freedom from responsibility for what you say.

You think traits like honesty and character are "out-dated".

You think demanding respect is more important that actually doing something to earn it.

ou think that tolerance equals acceptance and anyone who doesn't accept a Liberal cause is a racist or bigot.

You frown upon self-thought and independent thought.

You think pedophilia is ok, but God must be banned.

You find charisma to be an appropriate replacement for honesty.

You think it's OK to be dis-honest, if personal gain is at stake.

You think that "truth" is irrelevant.

But the point is, it's sarcasm. It's wit. It's HUMOR. Get with the program.

[Tiger Al 0]

You think Freedom of Speech means freedom from responsibility for what you say.

You mean that this isn't true???

Titan, I think she thinks you're one of US!!!

[ugababe117 0]

Oh...did you just figure that out?

[TitanTiger 20,481]

You think Freedom of Speech means freedom from responsibility for what you say.

You mean that this isn't true???

Titan, I think she thinks you're one of US!!!

Some folks, on both sides of the aisle I might add, think unless you throw rocks and piss on people of a different political persuasion, you must be "one of 'em".

[TitanTiger 20,481]

Oh...did you just figure that out?

Well, I'm figuring out something else about you too, but I'll refrain from getting too personal.

You know what they say happens when you assume...

[ugababe117 0]

You of all people should know and I seriously doubt you could have possibly learned anything about me from a message board. You can't take anything serious on a message board...it is just a message board it is not reality and you can't mix the two.