brankster 0 Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Clearly I am not the author of this...it was taken from a message board.... Subject: Trip to Baton Rouge from an Auburn perspective Every fall, when the leaves turn as brown as corndogs, unsuspecting college football fans make their first, and only, trip to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. As a public service, I believe it is up to those of us who went before to share our experiences, and ensure this year’s visitors have a nice time. And by nice time I mean not getting eye-raped with a screwdriver. Two years ago I made my pilgrimage to Baton Rouge, and apart from a recurring nightmare about contracting herpes from a Golden Girl, I returned home unscathed. So who better to advise you on your trip, than someone who spent 8 hours in Louisiana two years ago. BATON ROUGE TRAVELERS GUIDE So you are going to a football game in Baton Rouge? Well, first you need to ask yourself some basic travel questions, such as: 1. Do I have tickets to the game? 2. When was my last Tetanus shot? 3. Wouldn’t I rather go to Beirut? Ha ha! Of course I’m only joking, you can buy your tickets at the game. Before the Trip This is a good time to make sure your life insurance premiums are paid. Also, speak with an attorney and get your estate in order. Because if you ask an LSU fan for directions, and he throws you in a wood chipper, who will provide for your children? Speaking of your children, you’ll want to hug them before you go, since they cannot come with you. If someone found out you took your children to Baton Rouge, they’d be put in foster care faster than Les Miles can call timeout after an interception. Where to Park Parking in Baton Rouge can be problematic. Conventional wisdom tells you to park in a well lit area. Of course conventional parking lots are not full of people throwing bricks at your car. You might be better off parking in a dark alley, or inside a church. Honestly, you’d be better off walking. What to Wear You don’t stroll into a Crip hood wearing your red Air Jordans, and you don’t go to Baton Rouge wearing anything but purple and yellow. Of course outside of Louisiana you cannot buy clothing that is purple and yellow, because no one in their right mind would ever purposely put those two colors together. So you may want to try wearing camouflage. Hopefully, people will assume you came straight from your tree stand and leave you alone. In fact, if you cover yourself with deer urine, they’ll probably treat you like family. Know the History We all spend money on things that we later regret, like Betamax VCRs or Liberal Arts degrees. Even United States Presidents make senseless, impulse purchases. Take for instance Thomas Jefferson, who in 1803 purchased Louisiana for eleven million dollars. Two days later, when Napoleon told him that Louisiana was in fact a territory, and not two women, Jefferson tried to return the purchase to France. But by then he had lost the receipt, and the French taunted him all the way back to Monticello. Stuck with a territory he did not want, Jefferson sent (Huey) Lewis and (Dick) Clark to explore the new land. When they arrived in present day Louisiana, the natives mistook them for primitive Auburn fans, and promptly beat them with red sticks. Running for their lives, Lewis and Clark decided to name this new city Baton Rouge (literally: Red Stick), replacing their first choice, Odeurs Pieds (literally: Smells Like Feet). Speak the Language Because they take great pride in their French heritage, many in Baton Rouge have refused to learn English. With this in mind, here are some French phrases you might need on your trip: Prenez ce que vous voulez, juste ne blessent pas mes enfants. (Take what you want, just don't hurt my children.) Le non, mon épouse n'est pas en vente. (No, my wife is not for sale) Mon Dieu, que font-elles àcette pauvre chèvre ? (My God, what are they doing to that poor goat?) After the Game If your team wins, you can walk out of Tiger Stadium with your head held high. The LSU fans will be disheartened, contemplating the rash of foolish decisions that led to the pitiable life they now live. In this condition they are practically harmless, unless of course you trip over one of them, since their blood alcohol level will be around 50/50. Sure, they’ll throw things at your team's bus, but their heart won’t be in it. However, if your team were to lose, you had better be halfway to Mississippi when the 4th quarter ends. So there you have it, all the information you need, to have a safe, fun-filled visit to Baton Rouge. Just remember, don’t drink the water, don’t look anyone in the eye, and don’t worry about the goats, animal-love is legal over there. Ha ha! Joking again, the water is fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
genuinelsutiger 0 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 Clearly I am not the author of this...it was taken from a message board.... Subject: Trip to Baton Rouge from an Auburn perspective Every fall, when the leaves turn as brown as corndogs, unsuspecting college football fans make their first, and only, trip to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. As a public service, I believe it is up to those of us who went before to share our experiences, and ensure this year’s visitors have a nice time. And by nice time I mean not getting eye-raped with a screwdriver. Two years ago I made my pilgrimage to Baton Rouge, and apart from a recurring nightmare about contracting herpes from a Golden Girl, I returned home unscathed. So who better to advise you on your trip, than someone who spent 8 hours in Louisiana two years ago. BATON ROUGE TRAVELERS GUIDE So you are going to a football game in Baton Rouge? Well, first you need to ask yourself some basic travel questions, such as: 1. Do I have tickets to the game? 2. When was my last Tetanus shot? 3. Wouldn’t I rather go to Beirut? Ha ha! Of course I’m only joking, you can buy your tickets at the game. Before the Trip This is a good time to make sure your life insurance premiums are paid. Also, speak with an attorney and get your estate in order. Because if you ask an LSU fan for directions, and he throws you in a wood chipper, who will provide for your children? Speaking of your children, you’ll want to hug them before you go, since they cannot come with you. If someone found out you took your children to Baton Rouge, they’d be put in foster care faster than Les Miles can call timeout after an interception. Where to Park Parking in Baton Rouge can be problematic. Conventional wisdom tells you to park in a well lit area. Of course conventional parking lots are not full of people throwing bricks at your car. You might be better off parking in a dark alley, or inside a church. Honestly, you’d be better off walking. What to Wear You don’t stroll into a Crip hood wearing your red Air Jordans, and you don’t go to Baton Rouge wearing anything but purple and yellow. Of course outside of Louisiana you cannot buy clothing that is purple and yellow, because no one in their right mind would ever purposely put those two colors together. So you may want to try wearing camouflage. Hopefully, people will assume you came straight from your tree stand and leave you alone. In fact, if you cover yourself with deer urine, they’ll probably treat you like family. Know the History We all spend money on things that we later regret, like Betamax VCRs or Liberal Arts degrees. Even United States Presidents make senseless, impulse purchases. Take for instance Thomas Jefferson, who in 1803 purchased Louisiana for eleven million dollars. Two days later, when Napoleon told him that Louisiana was in fact a territory, and not two women, Jefferson tried to return the purchase to France. But by then he had lost the receipt, and the French taunted him all the way back to Monticello. Stuck with a territory he did not want, Jefferson sent (Huey) Lewis and (Dick) Clark to explore the new land. When they arrived in present day Louisiana, the natives mistook them for primitive Auburn fans, and promptly beat them with red sticks. Running for their lives, Lewis and Clark decided to name this new city Baton Rouge (literally: Red Stick), replacing their first choice, Odeurs Pieds (literally: Smells Like Feet). Speak the Language Because they take great pride in their French heritage, many in Baton Rouge have refused to learn English. With this in mind, here are some French phrases you might need on your trip: Prenez ce que vous voulez, juste ne blessent pas mes enfants. (Take what you want, just don't hurt my children.) Le non, mon épouse n'est pas en vente. (No, my wife is not for sale) Mon Dieu, que font-elles àcette pauvre chèvre ? (My God, what are they doing to that poor goat?) After the Game If your team wins, you can walk out of Tiger Stadium with your head held high. The LSU fans will be disheartened, contemplating the rash of foolish decisions that led to the pitiable life they now live. In this condition they are practically harmless, unless of course you trip over one of them, since their blood alcohol level will be around 50/50. Sure, they’ll throw things at your team's bus, but their heart won’t be in it. However, if your team were to lose, you had better be halfway to Mississippi when the 4th quarter ends. So there you have it, all the information you need, to have a safe, fun-filled visit to Baton Rouge. Just remember, don’t drink the water, don’t look anyone in the eye, and don’t worry about the goats, animal-love is legal over there. Ha ha! Joking again, the water is fine. 191226[/snapback] This whole narrative is not going to make the Auburn loss Saturday hurt any less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quietfan 233 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 ...has a strong Dave Barry flavor to it--which is always a good thing! If he were an Auburn alumnus, I'd swear he wrote it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rexbo 104 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 ...has a strong Dave Barry flavor to it--which is always a good thing! If he were an Auburn alumnus, I'd swear he wrote it. 191296[/snapback] But Dave Barry's writings are borderline fiction, known for their outlandish exaggerations for the sake of humor; so I don't think he wrote this... (Which 'Outlandish Exaggerations' would make a cool name for a rock band.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redfish99999 0 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 Just remember to wear a full-body condom when visiting Baton Rouge, New Orleans and other cesspools...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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