Rules of the South

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Rules of the South

If you are going to visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural mind, the following list will be handed to each person as he or she crosses the state line into the South.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy or ranch hand did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it - they're called "clods."

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped -- by our women.

6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.

9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar?

It's available at the bait shop.

21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Odd numbered Interstates go two ways - north and south - Even numbered interstates go the other two -- east and west. Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them? Then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

28. You burn an American flag in our state or county, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them - enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

29. We still believe in "One Nation Under God" and give Him thanks for all he has done for us and through us.

Now, enjoy your visit - I emphasize "visit."

[Tigermike 3,040]

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

And being from the South, we know his skin color has nothing to do with it he is still Sir!

[bammanmr 0]

Nice

[SLAG-91 1,483]

10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

I will respectfully disagree with bullets #10 and part of #12.

Most of us quit drinking $2 whiskey when we got jobs.

Tea is iced...sugar is optional. Ideally, restaurants would serve both sweetened and unsweetened tea.

Maybe it's the minutiae detector in me, but I-40 doesn't go through Kansas...runs through North Carolina, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, the panhandle of Texas, New Mexico and Arizona.

Other than that, a quaint read.