A take on the Kerry Campaign

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Wed Aug 18, 2004

Kerry's Campaign Getting Downright Weirder, As Is the Media's Fixation

John Kerry's run for the presidency is just getting weird, now. Buffetted by Bush's rebounding poll numbers, a clearly indisputable continuing economic recovery, a continued sense of progress as the Iraq war fades into a background issue for more and more Americans, and an embarrassing backlash on his "War Hero" self-spun tales by the Swifties and other Vietnam vets, it seems that this Massachusetts liberal is left with the most terrifying of options - having to run on his liberal record of Senate mediocrity and absenteeism. But wait! Not so fast! Kerry's popular media shills are working overtime on the fabricated John Kerry Image, albeit they're using popsicle sticks, glue, and duct tape. Still, when all your side trips into Puzzlingland fail, you do the next best thing... take a side trip into Bizarreland. With John Kerry fumbling so badly the past few weeks, it's a full-time job keeping him from further embarrassing himself. But now it's just getting strange.

Kerry's campaign is increasingly resembling something out of a Cliff Clavin "Cheers" bar experience; I have never seen in my years a campaign that has mutated into such an unfocused, narcissistic mess. It seems that at first, the media strategy was to attack Bush ruthlessly. Yet, despite the full-force offensive of a bevy of vitriolic anti-Bush books on the market, despite the "Rock Against Bush" and the wild, fantastic machinations of Michael Moore, despite the burying of the swift boat vets' and "wuzzi or wuzzn'ti in" Cambodia stories, despite the spotlight at the Democratic convention, despite it all - Kerry has gotten the traction of a marble on ice.

So what's the new tack in the Kerry/media alliance? Well, just weirdness - or is it desperation? It's just hard to tell when your compass, never mind not pointing north, is popping out of the case. About the only way to even begin to describe it is a push to see the "regular guy" John Kerry. But apparently to the media (and Democrats), a "regular guy" is in the mold of Bill Clinton: babes and booze, shoot from the hip and pucker the lip. The stuff coming out of the Kerry camp lately makes R.E.M.'s lyrics sensible by comparison. In an interview that can't be labelled anything but strange, Kerry recently gave us men some apparently badly-needed "chick" advice in the September issue of GQ magazine, for instance on what to seek in a woman:

"Look for what gets your heart. Someone who excites you, turns you on. ... It's a woman who loves being a woman. Who wears her womanhood. Who knows how to flirt and have fun. Smart. Confident. ... And obviously sexy and saucy and challenging."

Now can this guy relate or what? (although I'd like some woman to explain to me just what "wearing your womanhood" means... a bra outside of your blouse?) And I fear that any woman who hates being a woman - well - probably will get an operation. I mean guys, how cool is it when a hot babe walks up to you and says, "I like you but am really uncomfortable with being a woman; I'd rather be a guy. Your place or mine?" Anyway, none other than the Washington Post has seen fit to excerpt this "fluff" (pun intended) article entitled "A Beer With John Kerry", though now I think I know what they mean. Lately, you need a beer (or four) with this guy, because it's tough to take when you're sober.

Kerry also goes on to bolster his adoration of Teresa (yes, filthy rich Teresa) by promptly doing what women love best of their guys - rating other chicks, especially famous ones:

"I think Charlize Theron is pretty extraordinary," he gushes. He's also fond of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Marilyn Monroe.

Okay, leaving aside the obvious "John Kennedy wannabe" hit on Marilyn, one would ask if he's hot on the Theron prostitute-killer version in The Monster or just the regular type. And, speaking for myself, I'm not sure how I can really pine after an actress who's been dead for 40 years, but that's just me.

Anyway, if that's not enough, we now get to hear from the other side. In a puzzling interview in the New York Daily News, former Kerry flame Lee Whitum, apparently a brief ATM cash stop between two Kerry spousal bankrolls, gushed that her man "is 100% male." Wow, now that's something in these days of quick plastic surgery. Whitum goes onto say that he "liked to cook seafood and was great in bed. John would whisper French phrases in my ear. I would say, 'Speak to me in French!' and so he'd do it."

Think of it! While the cod is fryin' in the pan, John is fryin' in the sack (oh man, are the allusions getting dangerous!). All the while hearing things like "your leg is jabbing into my back" and "I won three purple hearts" in the Gallic Language of Love. Anyway, we also find that our John likes a "full woman" [for his "100% man", of course]. Confident. … Smart. Confident. [you said that already] Has a sense of self. Strong. And obviously sexy and saucy [is this for the fish?] and challenging." Then, concluding, Kerry says "Look for what gets your heart - someone who excites you, turns you on," he said. Well, John, if you don't watch that Diana sauce, something else will get into your heart (they test for that nowadays). Meanwhile, thanks for letting me know that I can now date women who I actually like rather than the ones who have repulsed me to no end. What a relief! Now I think I'll go take a shower. After all, to be a "real guy", you gotta talk about your "sex you up" proficiency in front of people... even though those people are usually the junior high locker room.

Besides the "hunka burnin' love" talk, there is much more weirdness to the "New Regular John Kerry." But I suppose the weirdest part is the press's penchant for dribbling out this pap. Can you imagine the uproar if our President was quoted similarly? There would be new impeachment howls of "infidenlity, exploitation, chauvanism" blah blah blah. But see, the thing is, Bush would just as soon leave office than portray himself, or his campaign let himself be portrayed, as the self-aggrandizing, me-first, stud-in-any-season gadfly that we now seem to be getting from Kerry's campaign. Is this a sign of desperation, a ploy to get their man into the hearts of women and heads of men nationwide? The entire thing just seems odd - and markedly telling about what kind of character and leadership issues voters now have before them. It's like the 5-year-old boy taking the plastic razor and cardboard blades into the bathroom to "shave", trying to be like his dad (who's using the real thing). It's a telling sign of how puzzlingly far Kerry has been twisted to fit some sort of warped image of a man, a leader, a hero. But it's not heroic.

It's just strange.

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