The Auburner's Bammer Correspondent's IB Thoughts

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http://theauburner.com/booch_postIB.html

Booch's Iron Bowl Thoughts

11-27-0Saban

A brief word from our Alabama correspondent: Booch Chiggins:

Ahhhh Bammit! As the world’s biggest Alabama fan/worshipper, I would say the worst part about this past weekend is that you Barners are starting to think you have a superior program here! Just because you win a game and have a better overall record DOES NOT mean you are a better team! You Barners act like you own the place because you’ve “won football games,†which has absolutely nothing to do with being an elite program, like Alabama Football. Think of the logic, you stupid Barners:

Alabama Football is an elite football team.

Alabama Football does not win very often.

Therefore being an elite program has nothing to do with winning

Did they teach you that kind of logic in ‘Barn Class’ or whatever you daggum Barners do all day at “school?†Haven’t you Barners figured it out yet? School is for children. Grow up and get a trailer.

You Awbarn fans also seem to think that Bama is overpaying CNS (Coach Nick Saban, for the non-believers). I believe the issue here is that we aren’t paying CNS enough! We offered sacrifice of $32 million and CNS, in all his omnipotence* and omniscience, spit in our face… AND WE LOVED IT! The results of this season only Bears (must always be capitalized, regardless of context) one course of action: pay Nick Saban more. As his followers, we obviously haven’t sacrificed enough to receive such countenance* from our football god CNS. We are planning to build idols and various memorials in his name so that he may bless us with his almighty wisdom and sovereignty* so that we may once again gain another national championship… preferably a real one.

So you may ask, “So if CNS is punishing you for your lack of sacrifice, how come you still got six wins?†Well, duuuh. The only reason CNS won those games is because he’s still using Mike Shula’s recruits. Are you trying to tell me that the wrath of CNS is unworthy of our fear? Then you can GEEEEEEEET OUT! Just give CNS a few more years and he’ll run the program directly into the ground, unless we come to our senses and really cough up some cash.

Once we finally are able to please the demi-god CNS, we’d finally be able to tackle you tame tigers! Woah, try to type that three times fast!

Tackle you tame tigers

Taggle you tang tigers

Trackle Wu-Tang Flyers

I CAN’T DO IT! DAAAAGUMMIT!

LOL**!

ROFL***!

IJPAL****!

To summarize my thoughts on the season, I hope we don’t go to a bowl, so as not to run the risk of winning another game and shadowing CNS’s wrath with a winning record.

Roe Tahd.

*I don’t know what that word means

** Laugh out loud

*** Roll on the Floor Laughing

**** I Just Pooped A Little

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Perhaps even better:

http://theauburner.com/mark_ironbowl07.html

Iron Bowl Thoughts

11-28-07

by: Mark

There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging Alabama’s past success. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the hilarity of their current state. Following Auburn football is more entertaining because of the existence of Alabama.

“But I don’t care what Alabama does! I only care about Auburn!â€Â

This is the biggest lie I hear fans say on a regular basis. College football is completely about your team’s status in relation to all other teams. If all other colleges abandoned their football programs, none of us would care about Auburn’s football program.

Is this a perfect system?

No. Sometimes it’s wrong to take pleasure from the pain felt by a group of people who think investing in Bear Bryant commemorative Coke bottles is a sound retirement strategy. But hey, it’s the world we live in and we should be very thankful for all Alabama has done. For those of you who missed it, here’s a seven word summary of Alabama Football in 2007;

“Process. Coonass. Textbook. 9/11 Pearl Harbor. Six.â€Â

Awesome.

Honestly, I’m having a hard time disliking Nick Saban. I don’t think he understood what he was getting himself into when he took the Alabama job. I’m sure he thought something along the lines of, “Well, I was able to deal with LSU fans successfully. How much worse can Bama fans be? I love a challenge!â€Â

Based on what he knew at the time and the huge contract with no buyout sitting in front of him – I can’t blame him for taking the deal. I’m sure the reality of the situation sat in once he sat foot in Tuscaloosa and realized how different of a place it is. From looking at Tuscaloosa, one would think there’s a city ordinance forbidding anyone renovating anything within a one mile radius of any restaurant Bear Bryant dined in. The city is basically a populated 1970s ghost town. There’s a good reason why Mal Moore had Saban sign his contract in Miami.

I try to wonder what I’d do if I were Mal Moore and wanted to bring Alabama “backâ€Â. Hiring Nick Saban was a good decision because he was the best coach available and that’s exactly what Alabama desperately needed.

Saban’s resume was far superior to anyone else’s since he actually BEAT Tommy Tuberville 40% of the time they competed against each other (that’s almost HALF!). This fact alone justified paying Saban twice the going rate for a football coach at an elite football school.

When it comes to bringing Alabama “backâ€Â, I can’t fault Mal Moore. I can’t fault Saban. There’s simply no solution to the “How to bring Bama back?†question… they must simply submit to Tommy Tuberville.

How bad are things for Alabama these days? Things are so bad, when they fantasize about horrible things happening to Auburn, they imagine Texas A&M stealing Tuberville. That’s all they can come up with – something that happened to them a few years ago.

So what’s Alabama’s excuse this year? From what I’ve heard, Saban lost because he’s dealing with Shula’s recruits. Apparently, Mike Shula purposely recruited sissy mama’s boys who can’t deal with the toughness Nick Saban.

Blah. At what point will Alabama just say, “We inherently suck†? Frankly, that’s all I want them to say. It’s basically my ‘goal’ as a football fan even though it’ll never happen – there will always be an excuse.

But, it’s for the best.

College football is like an induction motor. The conflict between two schools like Alabama and Auburn is like a strong magnetic field. However, it takes more than just a magnetic field placed inside coil to cause a motor to turn. It takes a change in the magnetic field to cause a motor to turn. Wins, losses, excuses, contract extensions… they’re all things that change the dynamics of a conflict between two teams and cause the speed of the rotating magnetic field (Auburn) and the speed of the rotor (Alabama) to be different. This change induces a current which causes the motor to work. A motor drives fans. College football dives fans as well.

If Alabama submitted to Auburn and quit, there’d be no more change and the ‘fans’ would stop. Change can happen through alternating wins (like with Texas and Texas A&M) or though one team dominating the other team and the other team responding by paying their coaches a lot more money (Auburn and Alabama). I like the second one best.

War Eagle!