Leno & Letterman

[Tigermike 3,047]

David Letterman.... "Top Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay": "A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"; "Strange -- his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."; "Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"; "What a lovely bouquet from Osama."; "For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."; "Al Gore! When did you start working as an orderly?"

Jay Leno.... You know, our mayor's race [in L.A.] is kinda like the elections in Iraq. It's a lot of foreign-speaking people, in the desert, voting for people they've never heard of. .... Bill Clinton is going back into the hospital to repair some scar tissue from his heart operation. He's expected to be in the hospital from three to ten days, depending on what his nurses look like. .... [Last Wednesday was] Dan Rather's final night as the CBS anchorman. Seems like just yesterday he was making up his first story, doesn't it? .... Here's my question: Who quits on a Wednesday? Who makes their last day a Wednesday? [After] 24 years, he can't put in two more half-hours? .... I don't know what he's going to do now, but I think we can rule out joining the Texas Air National Guard. .... For all his years at CBS, the network gave Dan Rather a gold watch. Well, they told him it was gold -- you know, he'll believe anything. .... It was this week in 1836 that Texas declared its independence from Mexico. Now I understand California is thinking about doing the same thing.