The one thing I've learned from the movies

[deepseas 0]

The one thing I've learned from the movies is that when civilization ends there better be a ready supply of shoulder pads!!

[AUslug 1]

The only thing left clothing wise will be bondage wear and football pads. The end of the world scares me cause I can't wear my flip flops and shorts.

[otterinbham 0]

Here's what I've learned.

1) When there's a mass murderer loose, get out of the house and drive to the police station. How many stupid horror movies do you see where the kids keep hanging out as their friends are picked off one by one?

2) That civilization is always teetering on the brink of catastrophe due to the naked self-interest of big business or some secret cabal of politicians who are always Republican. Have you noticed that, in the movies, the corrupt politicians are always Republicans? Why is that?

3) That when a relationship is circling the bowl, it's always best to indulge in some silly, over-the-top stunt that will humiliate you if things go awry. Because acting like a complete idiot is a sure-fire way to win somebody's heart.

4) The scruffier and more socially isolated a scientist is, the more likely that scientist will be right about some catastrophic event. And, if that scientist is going through a painful or bitter relationship crisis with somebody he loves, then he is always 100% right about the disaster he's about to forecast.

5) All people convicted of a crime, whether they're murderers, pedophiles, rapists, carjackers, or petty thieves, are in prison because they were wrongly accused, railroaded by a corrupt DA, been forced into crimes by others, or have been afflicted with a mental disease that makes them incredibly misunderstood. No one in a prison cell today is there because he actually committed a crime.

6) All relationship issues can be resolved with a tearful, two-minute speech, as long as there's poignant piano music playing in the background.

7) It doesn't matter whether you're driving 80 mph or 5 mph. All car wrecks end with catastrophic damage, usually punctuated with a gigantic fireball.

8) One doesn't actually get any work of consequence done during the day. That's when you discuss relationship problems with co-workers or indulge in shouting matches with your boss. The real work gets done at 11:30 at night, preferably with Chinese food spread out on the conference room table.

9) All white Southerners spend 100% of their time obsessing about race. We all know somebody in the Klan, if it's not we ourselves. And, NASCAR and football are merely poor substitutes for lynching, which everybody in America knows is the favorite pastime for people who live in Alabama and Mississippi.

10) All novels can be written from beginning to end within 45 seconds, as long as it takes place in a cabin out in the deep woods.

[AUJarhead 70]

5) All people convicted of a crime, whether they're murderers, pedophiles, rapists, carjackers, or petty thieves, are in prison because they were wrongly accused, railroaded by a corrupt DA, been forced into crimes by others, or have been afflicted with a mental disease that makes them incredibly misunderstood. No one in a prison cell today is there because he actually committed a crime.

Except for Red in Shawshank.

[otterinbham 0]

5) All people convicted of a crime, whether they're murderers, pedophiles, rapists, carjackers, or petty thieves, are in prison because they were wrongly accused, railroaded by a corrupt DA, been forced into crimes by others, or have been afflicted with a mental disease that makes them incredibly misunderstood. No one in a prison cell today is there because he actually committed a crime.

Except for Red in Shawshank.

True enough. But the fact that he honestly faced his crime meant that it was okay to let him go, rather than view it as punishment for what he did. Where he went wrong was not giving that little speech during his first parole hearing.

[BamaGrad03 0]

All gun weilding patrons in movies are HORRIBLE shots when shooting at their enemy. But never miss when aiming for tires on a moving vehicle.

[AUJarhead 70]

All gun weilding patrons in movies are HORRIBLE shots when shooting at their enemy. But never miss when aiming for tires on a moving vehicle.

Same goes for Cobra in the old GI Joe cartoon.

[DKW 86 7,448]

Any two cars that collide near head on, one will inexplicably RAMP over the other and roll onto its side.

[BustemBigBlue 178]

People being chased will always stop to throw obstacles (trash cans, lumber, chairs) in their pursuers' way. No matter that they take three times as long to dump the obstacles as it takes the chasers to simply jump over them.

The walls of a teenager's bedroom are always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch of space covered with something cool.

In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.

[stoic-one 1,549]

In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.

Don't forget the ceramic Glock that you can get through a metal detector with too.

Said gun will also seemingly have an unexpendable amount of ammo, without ever reloading.

Survivability in a gunfight is proportional to the actors "importance" in Hollywood.

And for the record, there is a difference between these:

[otterinbham 0]

Any two cars that collide near head on, one will inexplicably RAMP over the other and roll onto its side.

You're RIGHT. Damn. I forgot that one.

Here's another one. In space, you can hear sound.

That's why I just couldn't get into the third Star Wars episode. It would have been a much better scene if they only played the sound effect that Obi Wan and Skywalker could hear in their cockpits. Very claustrophobic.

[BZ770 2]

They always smoke Marlboro Reds.

Plug In ads for Sony TV's, Apple Computers, and Coke or Pepsi.

People drive classic cars like 64 mustang convertibles, or VW Carmagia

Or they drive old Jeep Wagoneers.

[DKW 86 7,448]

They always smoke Marlboro Reds.

Plug In ads for Sony TV's, Apple Computers, and Coke or Pepsi.

People drive classic cars like 64 mustang convertibles, or VW Carmagia Kharmann Ghia

Or they drive old Jeep Wagoneers.

FTFY

Back in the military we made fun of whjat we called "A-Team Guns" that is where you have a weapon that has an inexhastable supply of ammo, never hits anything of note, yet can cover the entire screen with bullets. I dont think anyone ever got hit with a bullet during an A-Team event during the show.

[BamaGrad03 0]

If you are in the 80s:

Guns don't run out of bullets

Uzis and other compact machine guns can be dual-weilded by an 88lb female and not have any rise or kick when fired

Bullets make everything explode

When there's an explosion around a bad guy, they always fly up in the air...like 10 feet...and in slow motion

All non compact machine guns can and must be fired from the hip (see Arnold in Commando)...and from that position, provide pinpoint accuracy

The following applies even today:

If you want to jump from a vehicle travelling 80mph, you can do so safely and without scrape, as long as you find a way to roll a bit on the ground at impact

There exists some guy out there who spends ALL of his time creating multi-million dollar grahpical interfaces for hackers to use

[lukeduke 8]

If you run from a killer, no matter how well balanced you are, you will trip.

[BamaGrad03 0]

If you run from a killer, no matter how well balanced you are, you will trip.

And your car won't start.

[lukeduke 8]

If you find your car stuck on the side of a cliff, don't stress out. The car will rock back and forth, but won't fall until right after the last occupant has left it.

[DKW 86 7,448]

During a horror movie the one chick you know is going to get killed is the one that for whatever reason is running around in her panties.

[AUJarhead 70]

If you find your car stuck on the side of a cliff, don't stress out. The car will rock back and forth, but won't fall until right after the last occupant has left it.

Or, it will balance perfectly out, and a bird will land on it, tipping it over the cliff.

[BustemBigBlue 178]

Photos of loved ones, religous medals, and bibles can stop bullets better than a bullet proof vest.

Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under.

In jail, there must be a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden.

[otterinbham 0]

In high school, ugly teachers somehow manage to find love.

Also, although mathematically impossible, a student flunking a subject will make 100 on the final exam, thereby getting an A for the year.

During the final half second of a basketball game, the ball must always either bounce several times on the rim or circle the rim at least three times before falling through.

At least 50% of all computer programmers are hot women with attitude.

Even if you are in the final stages of cancer, you still manage to look pretty damned good in the hospital bed.

All newborn babies emerge from the womb six weeks old and perfectly clean.

[BamaGrad03 0]

Everyone in the south sweats profusely...regardless of time of year.

[BZ770 2]

If you see an explosion of an airplane or helicopter, it usually flies over a hill at the last moment and you see the cloud of smoke and fire, but never the airplane explode.

[BamaGrad03 0]

Small cars can EASILY traverse stairs.

[BZ770 2]

It always rains at funerals.