GalensGhost 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 ESPN has reached its saturation point. Back in the Patrick/Olbermann days, I lived for ESPN. Now? I'd like to kill it by delivering a series of shovels to the face. Shovel #1 for allowing Lou Holtz to open his mouth. I wish somebody would strip the wires off a lamp, hook the naked ends to his chair and flip the switch on every time he starts to say something. The guuuhhh, guhhh, guuugggg that would come from his mouth while his eyeballs smoked would be more intelligent than the nonsense he spews now. Shovel #2 for Berman outliving his schtick. Wooop, woooop, wooooop. That's the sound I'd like to hear him make as a wolverine with rabies mauls him. Shovel #3 for Lee Corso. Can his face grow any larger? I hope the next mascot helmet he puts contains a yellow jacket nest. I'd like to see how big that monstrous melon would swell after about 600 jacket stings. Shovel #4 for pimping. When are these morons going to realize that if Texas, Notre Dame, USC or Ohio State played in the SEC, they'd be toting a few losses. When are they going to realize that most everybody hates Barry Bonds? Quit pimping these things. Stanley McClover should stand behind the anchor desk, gold teeth gleaming and a military utility shovel in his hand. As soon as one of the announcers starts to pimp some poser team... CLANG! Right in the crown of their head. Every time Herbstriet says "Ohio State", part his hair. That would pretty much put an end to that. Shovel #5 for "In". I don't want to be "In". I don't want to pay. Over the years, ESPN.com has slowly moved more and more of its content "In". They tell you that if you subscribe to their crappy magazine, you're "In". But you can't be "In" unless you give them your credit card even AFTER subscribing to their crappy magazine -- so they can rebill you as soon as it runs out. That's the same economic model followed by sleazy porn sites. At least that's what somebody told me. Gives "In" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? Shovel #6 for Stuart Scott. Don't get me wrong, I like Stu a little. But he took the snappy dialogue that made the Patrick/Olbermann SportsCenter so cool and streeted it up to the point that I sometimes have no idea what he's talking about. Pimp Booty Rodriguez, put his head on the chilll side of the pillow, rocked the bluebird pipe and BOO-YAH! Easy as a frozen beezy. Heh-heh. You know Bro Man Parcells ain't gonna cotton with that. . Every time he spins off into jargon-land, he should be suspended and replaced by Tony Sinclair, Socialite extraordinaire. Shovel #6 for sponsorships. The Budweiser hot seat brought to you by Chili's Restaurant and AFLAC. Sitting in the Bud-chil-al seat tonight is Hines Ward. Whazzup, Hiney Ho! First question. When you're shopping for car insurance, do you take 15 minutes to call Geico to see if you can save 15% or more? How long is it before Chris Mortenson sports a Coors tattoo across his forehead? Shovel #7 for "programming". Report the scores. Tell me what happened. I don't want to see "original programming", crappy game shows, poorly-made movies. I don't want to watch poker, darts, tiddly-winks, jacks, jumprope, bingo, shuffleboard, scrabble or pictionary tournaments. Show games. Show scores. Preview games. Shovel #8 for the fake bickering. I hate the stupid faux-sniping between Clayton and Salisbury. I basically hate all the "interaction" on all the pregame/postgame shows. If they want to make it interesting, give them gloves and let them beat the crap out of each other. Every time Salisbury cracks on Clayton, they ought to let Clayton jump through the screen and whip Salisbury's smug butt. I'd love to see the glasses-wearing little nerd bust Salisbury's chicklets out of his head. If they'd let Mark May headbutt Holtz every time he said something stupid... Shovel #9 for ESPNtheMagazine. In a word? Unreadable. Tries so hard to be hip it loses continuity. Reading it is like reading a script for Stuart Scott's commencement address at a Crip induction ceremony. Worried about gas prices this winter? ESPN should donate all magazines, tightly rolled, as kindling/firewood. Shovel #10 for casting. Trev Alberts gone. Harold Reynolds gone. Lou Holtz there. John Kruk there. I don't care if Reynolds was running around the studio naked waving his flag at every female staffer in the building. He was a knowledgable, credible, informative announcer. One of the few that ESPN had. They should have found a way to work that out. We're subjected to that idiot Stephen A. Smith. The network keeps Jim "I'm a flaming tool" Rome on the air. A few extra shovel blows for Cold Pizza, that insipid "next announcer" show, Reece "cheese" Davis, The bloviating SportsReporters show. I wish Janet Reno would surround the Bristol compound with a phalanx of FBI agents bearing semi-automatic shovels. She knew how to run a siege. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Proud Tiger 4,261 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 They should have Bill (No Spin) O'Reilly do some games on ESPN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rolltoomer 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I take it that you're upset with ESPN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Liger 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Dayyyyyyy-ummmmm. Somebody needs to go to his happy place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TitanTiger 20,508 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 You are a violent man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagle76 1 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Come on now GG, you are among friends. Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel. BTW, I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoic-one 1,549 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Hey!! That's 11 isn't it??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tigrinum Major Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I love your attitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuNuma1 1 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Ha! Tony Sinclair is so pimp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigSammyK 171 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 That was an absolutely incredible read GG. Made me laugh out loud a few times here at work so thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
otterinbham 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Don't give GG explosives. Otherwise, a certain Connecticut office building would be a smoking ruin right about now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
auwallace 6 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 great stuff (long pause) great stuff, that's great (long pause) clones are bringin it today thats great, i mean sleazy porn sites thats great ps-i hate jim rome, hes the biggest no talent a$$ clown of them all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigermike 3,046 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Shovel #5 for "In". I don't want to be "In". I don't want to pay. Over the years, ESPN.com has slowly moved more and more of its content "In". They tell you that if you subscribe to their crappy magazine, you're "In". But you can't be "In" unless you give them your credit card even AFTER subscribing to their crappy magazine -- so they can rebill you as soon as it runs out. That's the same economic model followed by sleazy porn sites. At least that's what somebody told me. And you want us to believe you just heard that, OK. I love your attitude. Because he didn't identify you as the one who told him how the porn sites work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarTim 3,456 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 GG...You, my friend, are 100% correct. Thank you for putting into words the feelings SO MANY have for what once WAS a good "network". Too much of the world today feels the need, for some unknown "reason", to MTV it up! If not for their actual coverage of the games, I would NEVER watch ESPN...EVER. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
auwallace 6 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 there's a new highlight show on fsn that gives mostly nothing but highlights and scores, Just like sportscenter used to be before they stretched every episode to an hour and filled it with useless crap about somebody's upbringing or something else non sports related. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluemound Freak 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 MTV + Sports = ESPN I don't want to watch DARTS, POKER, POOL, CONTENDER, Stephen A Smith either.................Just gimme my ESPN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB33 1 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Well played, sir, well played. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKCAUB 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I take it that you're upset with ESPN. Let me just say what I've said, so many times...ESPN SU*KS!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autiger518 1 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Shovel #11 ..ESPN Full Circle or whatever the heck they called it for the FSU vs. Miami Game on Monday...I dont know what idiot brainchild came up with this but my interest in watching Larry Coker or Bobby Bowden on the sideline is about the same level as watching paint dry...please just brodcast the game we dont need 3 channels of it...I can just imagine them doing somthing like this in the future for a big game and not showing another game because they are showing different camera angles. Shovel #12 ESPN GAMEPLAN...Ok I shell out $100 a year to watch football games...on espn gameplan ...no games should be blacked out...period unless you live 100 miles away or less. But yet every year any UF game blacked out...the Alabama vs Hawaii game you had to pay additional money to get....Whats up with that....Ive had Auburn games blacked out...I live in South Florida why the hell are Auburn games blacked out...half of the other games they show you can watch if you get the directv sports package. BTW Shovels 1-10 were dead on and this is one of the greatest topics ever!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukeduke 8 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I bet GG plays a mean game of slow pitch softball with so much practice swinging shovels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DKW 86 7,437 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Cold Pizza is a hair do show. They take two middle of the road reporters. They are middle of the road accurate. They are middle of the road knowlegeable. They are middle of the road entertaiing. They spent more money putting those two over-middle-aged-old-men to look hip with a new haircut, a $100 worth of mousse, and a couple of expensive suits. Look at it as Extreme makeover for Sports guys. You have to ask WHY? Do they think that a new haircut and a new suit actually adds to sports reporting? The answer is nothing. Give me CSS where they actually invest the cash in reporting (what a freaking concept). Better reporting and I could not care less what the hell the guys reporting wear, nor that the set cost a million dollars. MTV + Sports = ESPN I don't want to watch DARTS, POKER, POOL, CONTENDER, Stephen A Smith either.................Just gimme my ESPN! WTG with the accuracy. Shovel 13: The Tim Tebow Docudrama: TOTAL manufactured schlock. Complete BS. When did ESPN get away from giving us bad opinions and get into the manufacturuing BS sports news as well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TigerOne 1,151 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I take it that you're upset with ESPN. Let me just say what I've said, so many times...ESPN SU*KS!!!!!!!!!! hot sideline reporters, where are they?? you think espn is worse than cbs?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KunzelTiger 0 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Shovel #7 for "programming". Report the scores. Tell me what happened. I don't want to see "original programming", crappy game shows, poorly-made movies. I don't want to watch poker, darts, tiddly-winks, jacks, jumprope, bingo, shuffleboard, scrabble or pictionary tournaments. Show games. Show scores. Preview games. Shovel #8 for the fake bickering. I hate the stupid faux-sniping between Clayton and Salisbury. I basically hate all the "interaction" on all the pregame/postgame shows. If they want to make it interesting, give them gloves and let them beat the crap out of each other. Every time Salisbury cracks on Clayton, they ought to let Clayton jump through the screen and whip Salisbury's smug butt. I'd love to see the glasses-wearing little nerd bust Salisbury's chicklets out of his head. If they'd let Mark May headbutt Holtz every time he said something stupid... So you want them to preview games but you don't want them bickering? sounds boring Comentator One: "I think Auburn will beat Washington St. big" Comentator Two: "Although I disagree with your opinion you are allowed to have it. Washington St. will win" I'm not even sure how it would go..because any difference in opinion would be bickering to you. By the way the have a channel thats all scores and highlights..ESPN News...they can't have regular ESPN being that...it would be stupid..I like the original programming. Its mildly entertaining. Also you seem to want personalities without personalities....have you ever listened to one of those XM wether channels? It has an annoying machine voice with no inflection...thats what you want reading scores? "Cinncinnatti 4- New Orleans 1....New York 4- San Fran 5... etc. etc." snoooze... I'll keep this ESPN over your Must Snooze TV Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumbo 0 Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 I agree with most of the rant! But I love Chris Berman he and Tom Jackson are still great I love to watch them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigerfan1234 0 Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 I like how ESPN has evolved over the years. I do have a problem with their show of favortism for a few college football teams, but overall, I like the fact that the network has branched out to include many different shows and sporting events. What's wrong with the poker championships? PTI, Around the Horn, Cold Pizza, and some others? Those shows are pretty entertaining in my book. Basically what you guys are saying is you want a return to the days when ESPN was a couple of guys behind a desk reporting scores and highlights. Those days were boring folks. I love how older people always moan about how things aren't what they used to be. Times are changing. Some of you just need to relax and not be so resistant to change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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