The 5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions

[DKW 86 7,425]

http://loserwithsocks.blogspot.com/2006/09...traditions.html

The 5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions

by VolFan46205311979, special to LWS

Tennessee's Vol Walk, State's cowbells, Bama's cheating. All important and time-honored traditions in the Southeastern Conference. But contrary to popular belief, not every one of the SEC's pigskin rituals is great. Let's take a look at the 5 most retarded traditions of our beloved conference.

(5) "insert word"-eaux

LSU country, while overpopulated with God-fearing, neo-fascist Republicans, reserves a special place in its heart for the Motherland - France. That's right. France. Don't let any of these ignorant buffoons attempt to explain it away. "Naw brotha. It ain't da France, it's Creole baby! Laissez les bon temps rouler!" Hey tardicus rex, that's French.

I think it's noble that LSU fans take the time to celebrate their feminine side. It takes courage to completely emasculate yourself in front of your opponents. But LSU guy is a trailblazer, and he will fearlessly walk that line while proudly sporting the hat he stole from Dolemite and the pink plastic necklace he was tossed after showing a fat girl his testicles.

The problem is that an LSU meaux faux doesn't kneaux bordeaux from J-Leaux. Their working knowledge of the land of stinky cheese is limited to "buffet" and "Chevrolet", and both are much more Louisiana than France. A little known fact, the word "go" in French is not spelled g-e-a-u-x. It's actually spelled f-a-g. Interestingly, that is how all French words are spelled.

It's time we fellow SEC fans started giving LSU their due for sticking behind France, especially considering recent international events. Let's reward them for their bravery. I'll be the first if I must.

Dear LSU, let me commend you on losing to a very bad Tennessee team at home in 2005. Your strength rivaled that of a liver pate. You displayed all the courage and bravery of the French 1st Battalion circa 1941. You geaux heauxmeaux.

(4) Bear Obsession

We all know the story. In 1714, a young Bear Bryant saved an entire orphanage from certain death by pissing on a 4 alarm blaze and putting it out. In 1776, he penned the Declaration of Independence. In 1887, he invented the car. And in 19-something, he won a bunch of football games.

The problem is that the Bear isn't as hot as he used to be. He's still got the touch, yes, but there are reports that he has begun to slip. Ex-assistants have grumbled about his playcalling, suggesting that there are times when the Bear won't respond to questions or select a play for an entire game. Many have questioned his work ethic, as inside sources have revealed that he hasn't shown up to work in over twenty years.

Bammers remain confident, however. They continue to believe that he is the key to returning to national prominence. Some think that Bama is taking advantage of an old man, some would say that Bama should let Bryant rest in peace. But to quote the Bear, as played by Tom Beringer, "He ain't quitin".

(3) The "woo" in Rocky Top

A personal subject, to be sure, and a contentious one at that. Rocky Top is a fantastic unofficial fight song. It encapsulates both the culture and landscape of the Smoky Mountains. More importantly, it is annoys opposing fans worse than a case of King Pubic Crabs.

For those who don't know, let me fill you in on the background of the "woo". Decades ago, Rocky Top was a serious ode sung by men as tribute to the heroes on the field and the land in which they lived. It was sung in proud and severe tones as whiskey was guzzled, much like the Vikings of Northern Europe. Then came Mary Francis Henderson of Shelbyville, TN, who attended the 1976 Vandy game with her Phi Mu sisters. She did not know the words to Rocky Top, but after 7 vodka and Tab's, she decided she needed to participate. She interrupted her girlfriends' babbling and uttered these now famous words, "Oh my God, Rocky Top needs to be more sassy!"

And so the "woo" was born. Rocky Top always starts well, but the "woo" crashes over me like Oprah on skis. I hear an especially enthusiastic "woo" from behind, and turn around to find four 14 year old girls cheering proudly. After the song, they sit down and begin text messaging each other, even though they are sitting side by side. They patiently wait for the next "woo" opportunity.

The "woo" represents everything wrong with modern college sports. After I hear it, I expect the "Fun Police" to begin shooting T-shirts into the crowd via air cannons. I anticipate mini-parachutes to come falling from above carrying certificates for free Rally's burgers. The "woo" is horrific, atrocious, degrading, nauseating and unjustifiable. Even Lulu and Junior disapprove.

(2) The rolling of Toomer's Corner

Ahh, Auburn. Land of the hapless fan. If Auburn fans didn't have football, they would just play Magic the Gathering. They would be content with simply owning a comic book store.

Following a win, thousands of Auburn fans take their finest toilet paper over to Toomer's Corner, a landmark on Auburn's campus, and young and old alike gleefully throw said paper into the trees. There are many high fives exchanged. After covering the earth with the paper, they then paint each other with pixiedust and begin a secret ceremony that is cryptically referred to as "the Tiger train". The toilet paper is said to allow for easy cleanup.

Aftermath indeed

Rolling is a right of passage for any 12 year old boy. The most important element of this act, however, is the risk of getting caught. Rolling university property with no chance of penalty is like drugging your grandmother and then letting the air out of her tires.

Kenny Irons, star running back and future biochemist, was asked in a recent interview about his favorite Auburn tradition. His response was more impressive than anything I could ever write: "The rolling of Toomer's Corner because I had never experienced anything so amazing in my life. When I came to Auburn I saw all these people huddled around this tree and I was like 'What is this?' You have all of these people and they have all of this toilet paper. They have soft toilet paper and every kind of toilet paper and they are throwing it at a tree. I was like 'Why are they throwing all of this toilet paper at a tree?'"

A fair question in my opinion.

(1) Ole Miss

I know what you are wondering. Which Ole Miss tradition is retarded?

All of 'em.

From the 18 M.P.H. speed limit to the seersucker to "Hotty Toddy", Ole Miss is the result of a retarded bomb going off in a piece of crap town populated with former high school beauty queens and Colonel Sanders.

The "pageantry" that they boast of is nothing more than a grass field crammed with folding tables and cheap tents picked up at the local K-Mart. Nowhere on earth will you find a higher proportion of red Solo cups, celery sticks, and Chex Mix to humans. Be wary of their shallow claims of classiness - yes those are saltines, yes that is a plastic tablecloth, yes those are McDonald's chicken nuggets, and no that is not your secret recipe for ranch dressing because it says Hidden Valley on the bottle.

Carrying the banner

The most important aspect of Ole Miss-dom, however, is a total lack of interest in the game. The tables, the food, the outfits, the liquor, the travel, the Rebel Walk - the whole damn show - is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Unfortunately for the Rebels, Ole Miss sucks at football. This fact is not lost on their fans, as the following war chant demonstrates: "We may not win every game, but we ain't never lost a party."

Ole Miss is so bad this year that they may just lose a party - to St. Benedict's Tuesday bingo game no less. But don't fear for the Rebels, they will keep coming back. Much like herpes, except that the herpes also brings cold chicken fingers from Kroger.

"Hotty Toddy, gosh almighty, who the hell are we?"

An even better question. Maybe Kenny Irons has an answer.

[geauxscott 0]

well even though "eaux" may be french..and i hate the French.......its something that differentiates us from other Tigers.

I could write "GO TIGERS" and no one know which "TIGERS" I was for, but if I write "GEAUX TIGERS", any college football fan would know exactly who I was for......Same thing goes for WAR EAGLE, I guess.

[johnwegl 11]

Write in.......

1A: Alabama Yell Crew

[CircleDrill 178]

This is the most retarded article I've ever read. It's so dumb it's not even funny.

[ThatGuy 0]

Why the yell Crew(Im in it)? It's not even strong enough to be a tradition..... my write in has to be the Lebo Lunatics, What the hell? are we ripping off Marks Madness? no offense but when was the last time AU sold out a basketball game? Yes the Cliff dwellers was very cool mainly because Ellis was a good coach but Lebo(who looks like he just rolled out of the grave) has to be the Shula of NCAA basketball and only got a job because they thought he would have learned something from Dean Smith but I guess not.

[CircleDrill 178]

Why the yell Crew(Im in it)? It's not even strong enough to be a tradition..... my write in has to be the Lebo Lunatics, What the hell? are we ripping off Marks Madness? no offense but when was the last time AU sold out a basketball game? Yes the Cliff dwellers was very cool mainly because Ellis was a good coach but Lebo(who looks like he just rolled out of the grave) has to be the Shula of NCAA basketball and only got a job because they thought he would have learned something from Dean Smith but I guess not.

Don't try to turn this thread into a "we will beat you in basketball" thread. This is the football forum, and Auburn owns you in football.

Fear the thumb.

[GalensGhost 0]

Why the yell Crew(Im in it)? It's not even strong enough to be a tradition..... my write in has to be the Lebo Lunatics, What the hell? are we ripping off Marks Madness? no offense but when was the last time AU sold out a basketball game? Yes the Cliff dwellers was very cool mainly because Ellis was a good coach but Lebo(who looks like he just rolled out of the grave) has to be the Shula of NCAA basketball and only got a job because they thought he would have learned something from Dean Smith but I guess not.

Why in the screaming chartreuse hell would you be in the Bama Yell Crew and then issue commentary regarding AU basketball while using "we"?? Sorry, but that does not compute.

FWIW? Mark's Madness was a ripoff to begin with. So nobody can accuse anybody of ripping anything.

[AFTiger 282]

while overpopulated with God-fearing, neo-fascist Republicans,

Self identified idiot. nuff said

[quietfan 233]

My nominee:

Singing Rammer Jammer, "we just beat the hell out of you" when you're lucky enough to barely survive a close game that could have just as easily gone the other way.

I can understand how anyone except an Auburn fan would think rolling Toomer's is crazy, though. But they're not Auburn fans!

[GalensGhost 0]

My nominee:

Singing Rammer Jammer, "we just beat the hell out of you" when you're lucky enough to barely survive a close game that could have just as easily gone the other way.

There's a NYT-Regional article in the Tuscaloosa News today detailing the utter classlessness of Bama and its fans in an article about this weekend's game.

It notes the redneck, trashy "rammer jammer hit the crapper" cheer and also mentions bama players parading around the sidelines doing gator chomps at the fans and making throat slashing gestures. I saw them do this against Ole Miss and Vandy too.

I hope I never see an AU player doing this. Or if I do, I hope that player pays a heavy price so that he never does it again. I've had enough bama fans condemn the speck of Irons running his mouth a little bit when they refuse to see the throat-cutting log in their own eyes.

[Ranger12 46]

Sounds like this guy needs a girlfriend if you ask me.

[bojack34 2]

What class this guy has.Using the word "retarded" just show his ignorance and lack of compassion for people with real dissabilities.

[otterinbham 0]

Aren't you guys just being sphincter boys just a bit? I thought it was pretty funny, even if it takes a jab at Auburn.

[bojack34 2]

Aren't you guys just being sphincter boys just a bit? I thought it was pretty funny, even if it takes a jab at Auburn.

I don't have a problem with his message other than he chose to use a third grade word like "retarded" which I believe to be in bad taste.

[Ranger12 46]

Aren't you guys just being sphincter boys just a bit? I thought it was pretty funny, even if it takes a jab at Auburn.

Heck, my comment was really did not have anything to do with his AU comment. I just think he needs to find something to do besides knocking on a bunch of teams' traditions. Heck, if I was an LSU fan, I would be really ticked off with the comments he made about their fan base.

To me, if you are going to make an article like this, then make fun of the tradition, but he comes across as a jerk by trashing the fans and even the players, as he did with Kenny Irons.

Guy needs to get out and have a little fun.

[CircleDrill 178]

Every tradition in that list is something that the fans of that school really like and are really proud of. It's not about knocking Auburn. It's the fact that there is just simply no humor in that article. It doesn't even work as satire. If all you can do is title it "blah blah retarded blah blah" and then write satire that sucks, then you need to keep your day job.

[johnwegl 11]

I agree. I just don't see the point in the article.

[tigerfan1234 0]

Yes, this article is totally dull. I happen to think the "eaux" used by LSU fans is pretty unique and cool. Toomers Corner is kinda weird, but an Auburn tradition so I like it allright. I have never been to the Gorve for a tailgate party so I can't say one way or the other. Overall, this article has no point and is not funny.

[WarEagleFL 0]

I thought it was funny.

[DKW 86 7,425]

The guy is a fan and he slams the WOO in Rocky Top they do.

I am with otter, I just thought is was funny. The stuff was hilarious to me.

The Rammer-Jammer is so bad in certain situations it has even gotten the cheerleaders over at to try and stop the fans from using it. They cringed when they used it against Vandy.

The "Yell Crew" is ridiculous. You have a huge part of any BDS crowd that will call the ushers on you to "Sit down in front." About ten percent of the stadium wants you to join the "Yell Crew." You know what they say about divided houses.

[jumbo 0]

I thought the article was stupid its traditions like he is making fun of that make college football what is today!!!!!!!!

[Argo 8]

Why the yell Crew(Im in it)? It's not even strong enough to be a tradition..... my write in has to be the Lebo Lunatics, What the hell? are we ripping off Marks Madness? no offense but when was the last time AU sold out a basketball game? Yes the Cliff dwellers was very cool mainly because Ellis was a good coach but Lebo(who looks like he just rolled out of the grave) has to be the Shula of NCAA basketball and only got a job because they thought he would have learned something from Dean Smith but I guess not.

Why in the screaming chartreuse hell would you be in the Bama Yell Crew and then issue commentary regarding AU basketball while using "we"?? Sorry, but that does not compute.

FWIW? Mark's Madness was a ripoff to begin with. So nobody can accuse anybody of ripping anything.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught that.

my write in has to be the Lebo Lunatics, What the hell? are we ripping off Marks Madness?

Yeah, you're a Bama fan.

[deepseas 0]

Got this today from an LSU coworker, hilarious as hell, really made an otherwise slow day speed up just a bit. Tardicious Rex - that's the stuff legends are made of!

[LSUalways 0]

This guy is an idiot! The LSU fan base does not back FRANCE just b/c we spell our word E-A-U-X. We are Cajun French...The cajuns came from Novia Scotia. And of course we spell our words different from France. Cajun French and France French are completely different!!

GEAUX do some research idiot!