What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[lukeduke 8]

Dear little sensitive nancy boy

Tell your "partner" that he was right. If you can't laugh at life, don't live it. What you need to do is just sit at home, wear the depends and poop your pants like the little baby you are. As for the preparation H, give it to your partner and tell him it's for dealing with you, the constant pain in his a$$.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear Sensitive,

My partner and I? Please explain the nature of this party. If the invitation asks for a certain decorum, then that should be followed. If you choose not to follow the decorum, then do not attend. Apparently after all these years, the Prep H was no longer needed. Due to advances in modern lubricatin I would suppose. So instead, give the gift suitable for this occasion, pre-paid hospice care.............

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear Too Sensitive,

Seems like the your "partner" got the right gifts, not for your 50 yr. old friend, but for you. It seems like you have reached a point in your life where those things aren't funny any more. Seems like your partner needs to remove that stick from your butt, and doctor you up with some that preperation H. and throw one of those Depends on you for insurance. You have outgrown humor, and seems you have probably outgrown your partner as well. You should find another old fuddy-duddy like yourself and sit around not having fun. Life's too short not to laugh.

abner.

______________________

I can't believe I won the last one!!!!!! thanks TIS the checks in the mail../jk

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Reno 911,

I guess you would rather have your "partner" give you a ball gag? Lighten up Francine!

Too Freaked to sign

[Tiger in Spain 0]

lukeduke

DEAR ABBY: About two years ago, I received a letter from a woman incarcerated in a California state prison. To make a long story short, I ended up sending her stationery, envelopes, stamps and many money orders -- one for more than $600.

She told me she had no family and needed a place to live after she was paroled. Well, I took the bait, hook, line and sinker, and "helped" her for more than 18 months.

I'm 43 years old and thought I had finally found my future mate. Her letters seemed sweet and sincere. I felt sorry for her. She even sent me a document that looked genuine showing her "release date."

All of it was a lie. I'm sick to my stomach, not only because of the amount of money I sent her, but because I was hurt by someone I thought I could trust.

A few months ago I received the same story in a letter from a woman inmate in a Texas prison. Do you think these prisoners are passing my name around? Also, is there any way I can get my money back? -- FEELING USED IN UTAH

[keoson7 28]

Dear Used,

An INMATE ripped you off. How stupid are you? apparently extremely. However I don't have any family either, can you send me a grand or two? dee dee dee

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear used,

If you are that desperate for companionship that you are sending money to a woman in prison, you can get guaranteed companionship on most seedy downtown street corners at night. I promise you those women are just as good looking as the ones that are writing the letters, Cinemax after dark is not the real world. Of course, if you're 43 and fell for that, chance are you wouldn't move the light saber out of the way to let a real woman that isn't dressed like Princess Lea into your house, especially if it would wake your parents up.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear Used(mo-ron),

I have some ocean-front property in Arizona I need to get rid of due to health reasons. Interested?

bby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Used,

Yes, you can get your money back and more for your pain and suffering. Just send a check to me for the exact amount you are out. Make the check out to my foundation, Committee for the Annihalation of Supplemental Humiliation, or you may use the acronym CASH for short.

Because nobody deserves to be treated that way.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Push

DEAR ABBY: I am a 34-year-old woman who recently started dating a 40-year-old man I'll call Vince. We get along great and like each other very much.

The problem is my 83-year-old father. When Mom passed away last year, I was chosen to move back home to look after him. Suddenly I have a curfew -- which I ignore -- and Dad doesn't like me going out with Vince.

If this continues, it will ruin a potential relationship before it has a chance to develop. How can I convince my father I am no longer a child and should be allowed to live my own life while I'm still young enough to have one? -- UNDER HOUSE ARREST IN NEW JERSEY

[lukeduke 8]

Dear House Arrest,

Let your dad hear the noises coming from your room. That will let him know that you are no longer a child. If that doesn't work, start looking at brochures for assisted living facilities in front of him to remind him of the sacrifices you are making for him.

Abby

[otterinbham 0]

I have to admit that I read Dear Abby a lot. Not for her pearls of wisdom, but ask "How Stupid Could You Possibly Be?" I mean, if these idiots sit down and write a letter to some advice columnist a thousand miles away, don't they already realize that they have a problem? Why do they need somebody else to validate them?

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear House Arrest,

You are living in your father's house. Regardless of why, you have chosen this, and you should respect his wishes or move out. Sounds like you and your sibs are money hungry little turds just waiting for daddy to die so you can split up the booty. Assisted living would eat into that. Daddy already knows you are either a whore or very undesirable since you are 34, living at home, and not married. He just figures he's doing the WORLD a favor (mostly single men) by keeping you from pro-creating. Since you are living like a teenager, then act like one. Let Vince bring you home early and bang you in the bushes on the side of the house.

Good luck,

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

CCTAU takes it

DEAR ABBY: My mother and father have been separated for four years. They are not yet divorced. A year ago, Dad started dating this woman from another country. She is not a U.S. citizen; she is here on a work visa. Well, she wanted to get married, and Dad never told her that he was still married to my mother. They ended up being married last month. Needless to say, I was not happy to hear about it.

Dad told me he had filed the papers and his lawyer told him it was OK for him to go ahead and get married. I called my mother a few days after the wedding; she has never received any papers regarding a divorce. On his marriage license to this new woman, it says that Dad divorced my mother in 2004. I went to the courthouse, and there is no record that a divorce ever happened.

So my father is married to this new woman and it's not legal. What should I do? Should I tell my mother and get my father in trouble? -- STRESSED IN N. CAROLINA

[keoson7 28]

Dear Stressed,

It sounds like your daddy has mental health issues, and has likely passed these to you. Bigamy is illegal in most states, since you're not in Utah, You should tell your new step-mom that he is already married(if she speaky English).

Either keep your nose out of his business, or send a friendly note to the authorities, about his bigamistic ways. Chances are, your daddy is spineless and easily persuaded by sex. Being descended from spinelessness, you'll probably sit there and cry about nothing all day. Happy tears.

abner

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear stressed,

Do not say a word. When your dad finally kicks the bucket, laugh like hell while you are throwing this harlot out of your mother's house. Since she is still married to your father, she gets it all.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Keoson takes this one.

DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and have recently quit my job of six years to return to college full time. My husband is working and supporting both of us for the next two years. We always paid for everything equally and shared household responsibilities, until now.

My question is, now that I am not "working," should I be expected to do all the housework, laundry, cooking, taking out the garbage, paying our bills, etc.? This is what the situation is right now.

Whenever I start to get annoyed or think about mentioning anything to my husband about sharing these duties, I remind myself how generous he is being. I would feel guilty if I said anything, since he is footing all the bills. Yet I am starting to resent being the maid. What do you think? -- LISA IN ITHACA, N.Y.

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Sponge,

You should kiss his ever loving feet every night after you are done with your chores. If your husband was nice enough to support your family while you quit a long time career to go to school, then heck yes, you should do something around the house after your 2:00 class is over.

By the way, I undetstand that if you need an easy A, you can take a directed reading class from Dr. Petee. That would give you plenty of time to paint the house while your husband is at work.

Abner

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear CCTAU's ex-wife,

You have set a pattern here of making money the central focus of your marriage. Now that you are receiving the true benefit of a loving relationship, you are confused about what to do. Well fret no more, I will help you understand. First off, hell yeah you have to do all that and then some. If your GPA drops below a 3.5, you better get a part-time job. And it doesn't matter if you got a test, or you are tired, or even if you got a headache, every time you see your husband naked, its time to get it on. And you better be at the door every day when he gets home with a cold one. Now go and be greatful that you have it so good.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Lazy woman,

Please tell me that in the time you took to type this, your husband was in one of three states:

1) In the bathroom doing his business with the paper that you brought him.

2) Passed out from the cold ones that you brought him.

3) Taking his clothes off to do his business.

These are the only three times you should be doing anything but telling him thank you for your support, be it "orally" or some other method. Now, get off your lazy butt and clean something.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear Lisa,

Since you have been splitting the bills all along, your husband has shown enormous generosity in allowing you to ,not pay ,now. Unless ,he was never helping before, he should keep on helping out around the house. After your 2 years in school, you should be prepared to give him a 2 year vacation. Unless you want to suck it up, and do all the housework, like a woman's supposed to. Quit your bellyachin' and do the dishes.... NOW!

[Tiger in Spain 0]

abrnfanatc wins this one.

DEAR ABBY: I met an interesting, caring, loving man four weeks ago. He is 23 and I am 28. We are very attracted to each other. We have already become intimate, and we have decided to date exclusively.

I realize our relationship has moved awfully fast, and it may not be the smartest thing I have ever done. My problem is, he never wants to go anywhere. He prefers to sit at his home or mine, watch TV, have sex or not -- and he's completely satisfied with that.

I, on the other hand, am a go-getter. I love to be taken out and shown a good time, go dancing, go to the gym, to the movies, the theater and restaurants. I have discussed my unhappiness with him, but he thinks I'm overreacting. Is this a warning sign? What do you think? -- FAST LOVE IN TEXAS

[keoson7 28]

Dear Fast love,

It seems that your new friend is happy sitting at home and relaxing. You on the other hand seem like you need more. You need to grow up and realize that dinner, dancing, or the movies should be saved for special occasions. If you wanted to continue to be a go-getter, you should go-get you another man. Because you are obviously unhappy with your man, and should just use him for a random booty call.

Abner

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Fast Love,

If he's sitting around the house all the time and not wanting to meet in the middle with you and take you out some, imagine what he's gonna do in five years. I'll fill you in, he'll sit around the house and never take you out. The difference is now he'll be fat and bald and the loving won't be new any more. Get a few more humps in for the road and get someone who makes you happy in more than the sack.

[Bottomfeeder 244]

Dear FAST LOVE IN TEXAS,

Sounds like you need to "QUIT YER WHININ'!" If you're not happy staying at home and watching TV then go get second job to pay for gas it takes to satisfy your most undesirable wants, you unhappy twit. If that's what you want to do, then go do it, and shut-up fer cryin' out loud. Leave him at the house and go find youself someone else. Sex is only about 5% of a relationship, and getting along is 95%. So, you do the math. Oh yea, that's right, most women aren't so good at math. Well, you get point.

Laung O. Johnson