What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[Ravad 77]

DEAR ABBY: I was married last weekend in a small family setting. It is the second marriage for both my husband and me. My father left right after the ceremony, took Mom with him, and missed our wedding reception in order to watch a college football game. He had never met my in-laws before.

I am furious and embarrassed, and I'm not sure how to get over the hurt of knowing a game he could have taped on his VCR was more important than being with me at such an important event. Can you give me any advice? -- WOUNDED BRIDE IN NEBRASKA

Hey TIS did you read all the reply's to this? The last one is the best!

CORNHUSKER FANS HAVE THEIR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT ON GAME DAY

By Abigail Van Buren Mon Feb 19, 7:57 PM ET

DEAR ABBY: When I first read the letter from "Wounded Bride" (Jan. 6), whose father left immediately after her wedding ceremony to watch a football game on television, I thought, "What an insensitive, inconsiderate boor!" However, when I saw the signature, "Wounded Bride in Nebraska," I laughed.

I was born and raised in Nebraska. The percentage of the population in Nebraska who are not obsessed with football is definitely in the minority. It has reached the point where weddings, birthday celebrations, anniversaries -- even women's C-sections -- are planned around the Cornhuskers' schedule.

This may seem ridiculous and juvenile, but it's the reality if you choose to live in Nebraska. What her father did was wrong, yet he probably was never taught anything different. I'd cut the guy some slack. -- REFORMED CORNHUSKER FAN, NOW IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR REFORMED: I told "Wounded Bride" (in essence) that her father might have been trying to send her a message about his feelings about her marriage, but she should try to forgive him and concentrate on building a successful life with her spouse. Of course, when I penned my answer, I had no idea how pervasive football fanaticism has become. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although I feel her pain, I had to chuckle. We just moved back to Colorado from Nebraska, and believe me when I say that "Husker" is the state religion.

Some close friends recently planned the marriage of their son around the Cornhuskers' football schedule, and another friend was late to his own wedding because he was watching "the game."

"Wounded Bride's" father is just a typical Husker fan. -- BRENDA IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: It was the bride's own fault for scheduling her wedding during a game-day Saturday. Having grown up in Nebraska, I can tell you there are Catholic priests and Protestant ministers who refuse to perform weddings on game day. Repairmen refuse to come until the game is over. My wife is a nurse, and when she worked in the hospitals there, she knew of doctors who put off patients until the game was over. Nothing in Nebraska is more important -- at least in their minds. It's actually one of the reasons we moved away. -- FORMER NEBRASKAN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws' anniversary was in the fall, and we had to plan their 60th on a weekend other than game day or many guests would not have come. Heck, my father-in-law might not have come! They played the Nebraska fight song at his funeral, and everyone cried. -- HUSKER FAN, ROCKLIN, CALIF.

DEAR READERS: In fairness, it isn't just Nebraska football fans. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The only day we could have our wedding was the day of the Pitt-Penn State game -- a big deal here in western Pennsylvania. At our reception, those guests who weren't in the bar glued to the TV had headphones plugged into their ears, either cheering or groaning at inappropriate times. -- MARTHA IN CHICORA, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Brides-to-be in Oklahoma who schedule their weddings on an Oklahoma University Sooner game-day Saturday can expect low attendance. It may not be right, but it's true. -- SOONER FAN IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ABBY: In Texas, we schedule funerals so as not to interfere with our college football games. That bride knew her father's habits. She should have had the wedding on a different date. -- ANOTHER FATHER'S OPINION

DEAR ABBY: "Wounded Bride" should take comfort in the fact that what goes around comes around. Nebraska lost! -- AUBURN WAR EAGLE

[Ravad 77]

DEAR ABBY: I was married last weekend in a small family setting. It is the second marriage for both my husband and me. My father left right after the ceremony, took Mom with him, and missed our wedding reception in order to watch a college football game. He had never met my in-laws before.

I am furious and embarrassed, and I'm not sure how to get over the hurt of knowing a game he could have taped on his VCR was more important than being with me at such an important event. Can you give me any advice? -- WOUNDED BRIDE IN NEBRASKA

Just an FYI, My husband and I got engaged in April of 97, we started talking about a wedding date and I told him "It is either going to be a very short engagement or a long engagement". When he asked why I reminded him that Auburn's first game of the year is the first weekend in September, then it is hunting season through the end of January. I was opposed to getting married in a cold month so it will either be August 97or May 98...we were married on August 9th 1997...a short 4 month engagement.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Hey TIS did you read all the reply's to this? The last one is the best!

DEAR ABBY: "Wounded Bride" should take comfort in the fact that what goes around comes around. Nebraska lost! -- AUBURN WAR EAGLE

Yeah, I caught that one! Very cool!

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Wounded,

Reminds me of the old knight in Indiana Jones. When it comes to wedding dates, "YOU CHOSE POORLY." Certain times of the year are not good times for a wedding. College football season is one of those. You were a selfish beyotch and thought only of your happiness. Your parents should be slapped for giving you the impression that you matter.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: While eating in a restaurant today, I encountered a piece of coiled metal (maybe from the top of an opened can?) in my rice. I was terribly alarmed and slid my dish to the side, having lost my appetite.

When the waitress came back to the table, I showed the piece of metal to her. She apologized and started to take my plate away, but my friend stopped her and said: "Oh, wrap the rest of that up. I'll take it home. I'm not so particular." I was shocked, to say the least.

The restaurant took the price of my lunch off the bill, but I was stunned that my friend would take home the rest of a dish that had a foreign object in it. Am I "too particular"? -- "FINICKY" IN EUGENE, ORE.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: We have two beautiful little boys. The older boy is 3, the younger one an infant. People always comment on how much they look alike -- as if they could be twins three years apart.

The problem is, my husband and I (close family, too) do not think they look anything alike, so we don't know how to respond. If we disagree, people go so far as to argue with us. But to agree seems silly when they really do not look alike. What is the polite way to disagree without an argument? -- PROUD MOTHER OF TWO DIFFERENT BOYS

[CCTAU 3,335]

DEAR ABBY: We have two beautiful little boys. The older boy is 3, the younger one an infant. People always comment on how much they look alike -- as if they could be twins three years apart.

The problem is, my husband and I (close family, too) do not think they look anything alike, so we don't know how to respond. If we disagree, people go so far as to argue with us. But to agree seems silly when they really do not look alike. What is the polite way to disagree without an argument? -- PROUD MOTHER OF TWO DIFFERENT BOYS

Dear Proud Mother,

Put one child on each breast and shut up. Nobody cares. They could be too damn ugly for people to say anything else. Count your blessings that they are healthy and move on. Pretty soon when one of your little angels screws up, you'll have more important things to worry about.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Sy," snores so loud it keeps me from sleeping -- and no, it's not sleep apnea. Sy has said many times that he wouldn't stay in a marriage if the wife slept in another room, like some of his friends' wives do, so that's out of the question.

I love Sy dearly in the daytime. At night I want a divorce. Last night I was asleep (finally) and had a nightmare that a growling animal was stalking me. I awoke to the sound, and it was coming from him. In the past, I have told Sy he snores, but he denies it. Help! -- TERESA IN DAYTONA, FLA.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Sleepy,

One word. EARPLUGS. Works for me.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear Teresa,

Smother him as he sleeps, no more snore.

Abbs

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I have a co-worker who is always picking at everyone's food. At lunch or at break time, people hurry to eat before "Sam" comes into the lunchroom because he goes around helping himself to everyone's food. He doesn't even ask permission first.

People have told Sam it's all they have, but it doesn't faze him. He just finds a way to joke about it. These employees don't want to speak up because Sam is their supervisor.

Sam also creates a problem for the people in the front office. He goes to the front office every day and takes the candy they set out for customers and fellow employees to enjoy. He fills his pockets full and returns to "visit" several times a day until the candy is gone. This has gone on every single day for the past three years. Human Resources refuses to get involved.

How can I stop this? Sam is my co-worker and friend, and I'm the type of person who cannot hurt his feelings. How should I handle this? -- HUNGRY IN MADISON HEIGHTS, MICH.

[keoson7 28]

Dear hungry,

Feed the mooch a healthy dose of chocolate ex-lax. If you do this enough he will runs from you.

Abbs

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Hongry,

Start bringing a big wooden spoon to lunch every day. When Sam reaches for the food, whack his hand and say, "M-M-M-Mama says i-i-i-t's impo-light to touch other people's g-g-g-goodies." Do this enough and Sam will either need hand surgery or get the point.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I share an apartment with my roommate, "Ally," whose boyfriend, "Todd," just moved in one day. We have our own rooms, but the wall dividing our rooms goes only halfway up, so I hear everything that they do -- including sex.

I can't stand it anymore! Todd never leaves because he doesn't have a job. While Ally works and goes to school, he lies around all day. She comes home and does Todd's laundry, cooks for him, cleans up after him and pays for everything. They have sex all the time, and it often wakes me up or keeps me awake at night.

I am paying over $1,000 a month, and I have reached the end of my rope. I don't know how to address it. Please help me. -- TEARING MY HAIR OUT IN ILLINOIS

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Tearing Your Hair Out,

Maybe when Ally (cat) is at work, you should try tearing your clothes off and seeing what it is about Todd that makes her such a slave to him. You might get a little daytime enjoyment out of it.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: Every year, my husband and brothers-in-law go deer hunting. They always meet at my house for the big hunt. Each year they get sloppier and messier. They leave bloody footprints and pieces of deer carcass through the house and their dirty, smelly clothes in a big pile in the kitchen. They also never wash a dish, plate or utensil they use.

Not only do they kill these creatures and drag them back to my house to clean and cut up, but they also do their "processing" in my small kitchen. Abby, I don't even eat meat! Despite repeated requests that my husband not do this, he continues to turn a deaf ear, claiming that he gets paid to do it by everyone because they don't like going to a meat processor and not getting their stuff for a month or more. Now I know why the black widow eats her mate. Any advice? -- KAY IN ST. JOSEPH, MO.

[keoson7 28]

Dear Kay,

Marry a PETA member, and ditch your redneck.

Abbs.

[CCTAU 3,335]

We already had this one.

DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem that is taking its toll on my marriage. My husband, "Lewis," and I recently hired a live-in nanny who moved six states away to work for us. She is great with the kids, polite and receptive to me -- but when it comes to my husband, "Celeste" can barely bring herself to be civil. Lewis and I were both committed to making this a rewarding experience for Celeste. He even invited her to play darts with him in his dart league. Celeste has become close friends with many of his friends and makes disrespectful "humorous" comments about him or to him all the time. Lewis has tried to be nice to her, but he has reached the end of his rope, and they can't seem to work it out. How can I help this immature young lady realize that mean comments, even in jest, sting? Celeste is about to lose her job. -- JUST ABOUT HAD IT IN CONNECTICUT

[aumd03 2]

DEAR ABBY: I have a co-worker who is always picking at everyone's food. At lunch or at break time, people hurry to eat before "Sam" comes into the lunchroom because he goes around helping himself to everyone's food. He doesn't even ask permission first.

People have told Sam it's all they have, but it doesn't faze him. He just finds a way to joke about it. These employees don't want to speak up because Sam is their supervisor.

Sam also creates a problem for the people in the front office. He goes to the front office every day and takes the candy they set out for customers and fellow employees to enjoy. He fills his pockets full and returns to "visit" several times a day until the candy is gone. This has gone on every single day for the past three years. Human Resources refuses to get involved.

How can I stop this? Sam is my co-worker and friend, and I'm the type of person who cannot hurt his feelings. How should I handle this? -- HUNGRY IN MADISON HEIGHTS, MICH.

WARNING: this is going to be a gross story.

But this reminds me of a story my friends dad told. He was a Vietnam Vet and during his last tour was a med evac helicopter pilot. He told us the lifespan was short and he had seen enough that he didn't care to come back. But regardless, he lived in a town and could afford to have a lady do some cleaning around the place he was staying. But he said that food kept disappearing from a small fridge he had there. Being a med evac, he said sometimes at hte end of his day, there would be body parts left in his chopper. So he took a foot left and put it on a plate and covered it with foil and placed it in his fridge. He said he came home the next day with a uncovered foot on a plate on the table and the lady never came back again.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell the difference between someone with a gambling problem and someone who is trying to become a poker champion?

The person is my husband, and I'd like to support his dream of being a champion. I have never been around gamblers, and I am not sure where the line is drawn. -- QUEEN OF HEARTS IN ALBUQUERQUE

[keoson7 28]

Dear Queen,

Poker champ wannabe- practices at home without losing money

Gambling addict loses constantly and claims he is practicing for poker tourneys.

Abbs

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Queen,

You know you are in trouble if it ever gets to be "chips" BEFORE beer.

Abbs

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My husband is national sales manager for a company that participates in frequent out-of-town trade shows. These events are held in luxurious hotels and involve entertaining clients in posh restaurants.

Lately, he has been inviting his secretary, who is half his age (and mine), to these shows -- even though she is not in sales and has no role there other than being agreeable to customers. That was formerly my role, but I seem to have been replaced.

Although she has women friends in the company, she regularly has lunch with my husband unless he is otherwise engaged. They share a small office where they chat about much besides business, including our personal life. Opinions I have confided in him get back to me through her other acquaintances.

I think that the relationship has passed from professional into intimate, but my husband says I'm crazy. He thinks only a sexual relationship is "intimate," but I think emotional intimacy often evolves into a sexual relationship, and an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Do you think I'm wrong? -- FEELING REPLACED IN ATLANTA

[keoson7 28]

Dear old nag,

You are right, he is hittin' the young babe. Sorry

Abbs.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am in a very awkward situation. I was married last week and am very happy with my new husband, "Ralph." However, when people ask, "Where did you two meet?" that's when the glamour shatters.

Abby, Ralph and I met in a public restroom in a very rundown area that we happened to be vacationing in. I hate telling people that's where we met because they usually laugh, thinking it's a joke. Should I just tell them the town where we were vacationing? -- NEWLYWED IN THE BATHROOM