What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Very close one, but GG wins the round.

DEAR ABBY: What is your take on these two similar situations? We were recently invited to attend a surprise birthday party for a man in his late 40s. We were all to meet at a lovely restaurant. Somehow he found out the day before and called each guest, saying he had "other plans and the party is off." (A blatant excuse.)

How about another grown man, my neighbor? I had invited his family over for a small, casual dinner at my home on his birthday. Immediately upon entering, he saw the cake, said, "I don't celebrate my birthday!" slammed the door and left. He didn't even say "thanks anyway."

Is this considered normal behavior? I was trying to show his daughter -- my goddaughter -- that you "receive by giving," but it sure backfired. I wasn't trying to embarrass him, just show him that we love him.

I will keep my opinions about these men to myself. Let's just say, I'm still shaking my head. -- NEVER AGAIN IN CALIFORNIA

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Deart Bumfuzzled:

Abby hates surprises too. Try jumping out of a dark room yelling surprise at Abby and you'll quickly meet my bodyguards Mr Smith and Mr Wesson, and their friend Mr Hollow Point. So I'm siding with the two guys. Before you throw a surprise for someone, better make sure it is appreciated or else you risk things blowing up in your face. When you surprise someone, you put them on the spot and FORCE them to act all happy and grateful, even if they really don't feel that way. These guys chose not to rise to the bait. It's not their problem for being rude, it's yours for just assuming everyone would get all google eyed and appreciative over your self serving gesture.

Securely yours,

Abby

*****************************************

Note to the board: I am not kidding on this one - I HATE SURPRISES. Surprise parties SUCK. I have made it very clear to my family that when my next major birthday rolls around, I will be very upset if they try a surprise party. And I mean upset, because I have made my wishes known. I may come across as a bitch, but if I tell them that I hate this kind of situation and they do it anyway, then who's the real bitch? The pressure is squarely on Carl to prevent this very situation for me.

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Cali -

Unless the birthday party included steaks grilling, a ballgame on the TV, a cooler full of iced beverages, a pool and a bevy of half-naked chicks you're not throwing a party any self-respecting guy wants to attend. Men -- real men, not the kind of namby pamby wusses you've been running over your whole life -- got over wanting birthday cakes, balloons, ice cream and a pony when they turned eight.

I hear Michael Jackson has an opening for a personal assistant. He'll love your little surprises. If that job's already filled, I know a couple of wine and cheese snobs with white carpet who'll appreciate your company.

Abby

[Tigermike 3,054]

The pressure is squarely on Carl to prevent this very situation for me.

244666[/snapback]

A wise man years ago told me that when it comes to women, some trees you should never try to climb. They are covered with thorns all the way to the top. I think someone should remind Carl this is one of those trees.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Jenny gets a very nervous nod! (Note to everyone else; Ixnay Enny'sjay uprisesay artypay)

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, a friend stayed over at my house. When it was time for her to leave, I went to put something in her bag and found a ton of MY stuff in there!

She made up a lame excuse that "someone else" must have put it in her bag. I knew she was lying, and I told her whoever put it there had better speak up and I wouldn't be mad if they confessed -- but she still denied it.

How do I confront her and still keep our friendship? -- CONFUSED IN GREAT FALLS, MONT.

[saniflush 0]

Dear Confused,

You Don't! She's a clepto. Be glad you caught on before the TV went missing.

Abby

[DKW 86 7,441]

Dear Stupid,

Why do you feel you would even want to be friends with this troll? That is a much better question.

Abby

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Idiot -

Forget that skank. You need a new friend. I'll drop by next weekend for a visit. Oh, by the way? My car's in the shop, so I'll be driving a rented U-Haul.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Don't befriend any more petty thieves, it will only get worse.

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Confused,

STOP. Tell her to wait for awhile. Go and gather ALL the worthless $hit you have been wanting to get rid of for the last ten years. Then stuff it into every orifice she has. Put it in her bags, her car, her bra, wherever. Give her so much stuff that she'll be scared to visit you again. But first get your good stuff back. Tell her you are so glad she decided to visit. Amd invite her back anytime. but tell her to give you plenty of notice so you can already have more wonderful stuff packed beforehand.

Abby

Turning lemons into stomach acid..........

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Confused,

STOP. Tell her to wait for awhile. Go and gather ALL the worthless $hit you have been wanting to get rid of for the last ten years. Then stuff it into every orifice she has. Put it in her bags, her car, her bra, wherever. Give her so much stuff that she'll be scared to visit you again. But first get your good stuff back. Tell her you are so glad she decided to visit. Amd invite her back anytime. but tell her to give you plenty of notice so you can already have more wonderful stuff packed beforehand.

Abby

Turning lemons into stomach acid..........

245041[/snapback]

You seem bitter.

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Confused,

STOP. Tell her to wait for awhile. Go and gather ALL the worthless $hit you have been wanting to get rid of for the last ten years. Then stuff it into every orifice she has. Put it in her bags, her car, her bra, wherever. Give her so much stuff that she'll be scared to visit you again. But first get your good stuff back. Tell her you are so glad she decided to visit. Amd invite her back anytime. but tell her to give you plenty of notice so you can already have more wonderful stuff packed beforehand.

Abby

Turning lemons into stomach acid..........

245041[/snapback]

You seem bitter.

245042[/snapback]

She took my favorite lubricant........

[Tiger in Spain 0]

CCTAU wins it.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me what to do. I was at a birthday luncheon with six other women, and a discussion about female newscasters came up. One of the guests was raving about how wonderful a certain news anchor was, and said, "She has eight children!" Feeling naughty, I said, "That just means she likes gettin' it on!" I realize my comment may have been off-color, but we've known each other 20 years, and I was just mouthing off.

The woman who had brought up the newscaster immediately took great offense and replied, "My mother had eight children!" The lady whose 81st birthday we were celebrating then said, "Your mother must have liked to do it, too." The offended lady told us angrily that she didn't appreciate our remarks.

I was very embarrassed and apologized repeatedly, both for myself and the honoree -- who, I can assure you, meant no harm either. Then I had my lunch packed up, paid my share of the bill, and left.

I told my husband what happened, and he assured me that I had done nothing wrong. The offended woman brought her mother into the discussion, and the lady whose birthday it was made the comment about her mother. I feel ashamed and angry at the same time. The woman ignored my apology and ruined the birthday party.

Can't a group of senior ladies who have been friends more than 20 years share a little spice? Or am I out of step? -- STILL UPSET IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear SUIM,

Send your frigid 'friend" a little electrical device with instructions. Apparently she never got the correct set of instructions. And I would say that a woman with 8 children either liked to "get it on" or she spent a lot of time being held down against her will.

Abby

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear UPSET,

Don't bother to apologize to your friend any more. She was not offended by your remark, she was embarrassed because she is not "gettin' it on!". Funny isn't it, she is embarrassed because she is not getting bare assed enough!

Abby

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Putz -

I am sick to death of all you mewling morons who can't figure out the answer to simple questions yourself. Your husband comes home drunk, reeking of cologne. Could he be cheating? Your feelings are hurt because a grown man didn't want to eat your stupid birthday cake, what should you do? You can't control your kids, you have theiving friends, you "feel naughty" for making a joke about getting it on in front of some 81 year olds. I've had it. If you're so pathetic you feel compelled to write to an anonymous person for advice, here's some advice for you: eat the gun. Run the hose from the tailpipe through the window. Use the rope. Go ahead...jump. I dare you.

Bite me.

Abby

[saniflush 0]

Dear Putz -

I am sick to death of all you mewling morons who can't figure out the answer to simple questions yourself. Your husband comes home drunk, reeking of cologne. Could he be cheating? Your feelings are hurt because a grown man didn't want to eat your stupid birthday cake, what should you do? You can't control your kids, you have theiving friends, you "feel naughty" for making a joke about getting it on in front of some 81 year olds.  I've had it.  If you're so pathetic you feel compelled to write to an anonymous person for advice, here's some advice for you: eat the gun. Run the hose from the tailpipe through the window. Use the rope. Go ahead...jump. I dare you.

Bite me.

Abby

245312[/snapback]

I think he is trying to say "shovel to the face"!

[Tiger in Spain 0]

G2 missed his calling. You really should have gone into psychology.

DEAR ABBY: My wife spends all her spare time with a female friend I'll call "Cassandra." Last August they went to Nicaragua for two weeks, at Cassandra's expense. They are planning a trip to Puerto Rico next month. Again, Cassandra is footing the bill. They spent a week together in Louisville at a church-sponsored activity. They give each other oil massages in our bed and make frequent bets with each other with the massages as the payoff.

They spend as much as three hours a day communicating, whether it be via phone, e-mail or text-messaging. They see each other a minimum of once a week, plus at church, and we live 50 miles apart.

When they're together, I can repeat a question four times or more and never be acknowledged. They make special dinners and buy each other gifts. The items my wife receives are many times what we can afford. When they're on the phone or e-mailing, dinners have been burned and normal things that should be done around the house don't get done.

Do you think there is something I should be concerned about here? -- WONDERING IN ILLINOIS

[saniflush 0]

Dear Wondering,

Get a clue and stop wondering. The only hope for you is to parlay the massages into a threesome. Better get what you can out of it right now cause your wife is about to be a full time box eater.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Wondering,

Have you noticed a recent change in your wife's eating habits? Has she sworn off of sausage and gone more into clam with an occasional snack at the carpet store? It seems like she may have gone away from hetero-ville. You have noone to blame but yourself, obviously you didn't do something right. You do have a few choices here though. First, you can keep bellyaching and whining to advice columnists while your wife grows a mustache and grows a bigger sack than you. Secondly, you could be a man and remind her that two doughnuts are not better than a doughnut and a doughnut stick. Of course, you could always set up a camera in the room and make yourself some money webcasting the oil massages. Use that money when you start courting the pool boy.

Abby

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear WONDERING,

If you think your wife has not been to The Cassandra Crossing, you are pretty dumb. Just ask them if you can watch, you might like it, some guys do. At the least, install several spy cams in your bedroom, shower etc, etc., and record. Then if there are any strange happenings you can sell to one of the many porn sites and get back some of the money your wife has been spending on her "friend".

Abby

[Guest Tigrinum Major]

Dear Ross Gellar:

Time for another divorce.

Love,

Friends

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Wondering,

After not much thought at all, I have come to the conclusion that you are an idiot. You have wasted at least ten to twelve hours of excellent footage by even pondering this question. And then another ten by waiting for my response. Your wife has moved on to flatter pastures. Your only recourse now is to film it all and show it at the next Wednesday night prayer meeting(make an extra copy for divorce court). This, of course, will assure your spot in hell according to all who see it. But it will bring a grin to your lips every time you think of it until you die. And everybody needs a little grin of their own.

Abby

PS. Do not ask to join in, nobody wants to see you on film.

[CCTAU 3,346]

TIS will have to judge when he gets a chance. Here is a new one:

Hi,

I am an eighteen-year old male from South Carolina. My question is, my ex-girlfriend is pregnant with my child. I am being forced into taking care of the unborn child, and I am being forced to pay for all of her doctor and medical needs. Even though I am the one who has a well paying job, and works five days a week. But she only works one day a week and barely gets paid, and most of the time she was calling in sick to be with me.

What should I do?  Even though I am the one making the money in this situation?  I mean part of me wants to be the father and the other parts don't want to be. I feel like I am being forced to do all the work in this situation while she sits around and does nothing. Should I let it continue or make a stand on it? I just don't know what to do, please help me.  Please keep my name anonymous.

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear Anonymous,

You are in the process of learning a lifelong lesson in responsibility. You wanted to play grown up at the age of eighteen. Guess what, now you get to pay for this child for the next twenty five (25) years. Welcome to the grown up world. My prayer is that you take responsibility for the child and do everything in your power to make sure he/she does not grow up like you and your scank girlfriend.

Better still you should be neutered and your girlfriend should be spaded so this does not happen again.