What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[Tigermike 3,078]

I have to admit that I read Dear Abby a lot. Not for her pearls of wisdom, but ask "How Stupid Could You Possibly Be?" I mean, if these idiots sit down and write a letter to some advice columnist a thousand miles away, don't they already realize that they have a problem? Why do they need somebody else to validate them?

I'm not sure if it's for validation, but because they really can't think for themselves.

Dear Fast love,

If I take you out to dinner and dancing, will I get laid?

Abby's son

[CCTAU 3,355]

Let's get this started again. We lost a lot of good ones.

WIFE WILL NEVER MEASURE UP TO MOTHER HUSBAND WORSHIPS

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Clay," has a very abnormal relationship with his mother. (I'll call her "Jewel," although she's far from one.)

Clay frequently tells me I'll never be as perfect as Jewel, that she's a living saint. He tells her how much money he makes, but he won't tell me, and he refuses to tell me where his money goes. He insists we have separate checking accounts, but he shares an account with Jewel. Abby, Clay earns three or four times as much as I do, but he never helps financially.

He never buys groceries, and I've had to pawn my jewelry, work overtime and beg my parents for money to put food on the table for our three children. Clay will pay nothing toward the children's clothing or doctor visits, and he has never bought them -- or me -- a gift for any occasion. He has never bought anything for our home, either.

Jewel is nosy and butts into every aspect of our lives. She claims she "loves" us and is "trying to help." When she calls, if no one answers, she demands to know where we were -- and Clay tells her. If he goes somewhere alone and I ask where he's been, he says it's none of my business and accuses me of being controlling. Jewel calls to question him five times a day and it's OK, but when I ask him anything, I'm "intruding" on his life.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Abby, how can I get him to understand how his relationship with his mother is hurting me? Mothers and sons should be close, but not that close. It's time for him to cut the umbilical cord. I'm desperate -- please help me. -- MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY

[CCTAU 3,355]

To Mama's Boy,

Two topics. Alimony and child-support. The gubment will make sure that "Clay" is molded in the correct manner. Sounds like you got a real winner as your sperm donor.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear mama's boy's soon to be ex,

I can't believe you are still married to this freak. If he has never helped financially, you should file for divorce and take this mama's boy to the cleaners, after all at least he can go back to mama's teet.

Abberation

[Tigermike 3,078]

Dear MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY,

Are Clay and Jewel from West Virginia?

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Dear Married to a Momma's Boy,

Every mother has a pet name for their son. Find out what it is and shout it out the next time you two are making the sign of the 3 snouted ardvark. If this makes him really amorous between the sheets, it's a sure sign you've got yourself a sicko. My advice is to get out of the relationship.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: Some neighbors asked me to care for their pets while they vacationed in Europe for three weeks. The boy across the street was to do the first four days, but I was asked to do the bulk of the work.

Although I was assured that all I had to do was empty the litter box and feed the cats, I found an extensive list of chores in my mailbox the next morning. One cat has cancer; the other two also needed medication. The meds were complicated and had to be administered twice a day. The cats vomited profusely several times, and went to the bathroom every place except the litter box. I cleaned up after them, administered all the medications, and even consulted the vet at one point.

When my neighbors returned, they paid the boy $30 for the four days he worked and didn't offer me one nickel. Worse, they paid him in front of me! I badly needed the money, but even if I didn't, don't you think they should have offered me something? I'm furious and am tempted to tell them off, but I don't want to sink to their level. What should I do? -- POOPER SCOOPER QUEEN IN NEW ORLEANS

[Bottomfeeder 244]

Dear POOPER SCOOPER QUEEN IN NEW ORLEANS,

My little dumb### in New Orleans, you're an adult right (over the age of 12)? Then shut up! Next time you may need the favor.

Good Luck,

CATDADDY JONES

[lukeduke 8]

Dear PooperScooper,

Did FEMA cut you off? Did you run out of hurricane excuses to not get back to work? If you really need money enough to complain about not getting paid for doing a neighbor a FAVOR, then you my friend are a piece of garbage. How's that for your uplifting advice from Dear Abby. Take the last of your FEMA checks, buy yourself a rubber hose and run it from the tailpipe of your car into the side window. Roll up all of the other windows and do the world a favor.

Abby

[Tigermike 3,078]

Dear POOPER SCOOPER,

$30 is not nearly enough to be paid for cleaning up cat vomit and runny grunts. Just mark it down to experience learned the hard way and when your globe trotting cat loving neighbors need help again, just say no. Or if you don't want to say no, let them leave, then throw the cats in Lake Pontchartrain (after Katrina, a couple of dead cats will not be noticed) and tell the neighbors that they just died and the house had to be quarantined.

Abby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Dumb Ass,

Next time your neighbors ask you to watch their cats while on vacation, scoop up all of their vomit and defacation, put it into an open garbage bag and hide it somewhere in their bedroom. Once they finally find it, I doubt they will ask you to cat sit again.

Problem solved.

Abbs

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear used,

Your neighbors knew exactly what they weren't telling you when they left. You were a big enough person to finish the job. I will give you credit for that. But chalk this up to the different types of sorry people in this world. Money has nothing to do with being a good person. these people are less than lacking when it comes to being good neighbors. From now on, let them "pay" someone else to do their dirty work. The money should always meanless than the lies told.

Abby

P.S. For some reason I am feeling compassionate today.

[keoson7 28]

Dear Pooper Scooper extradonaire,

.Start a poop cleaning service , then bill them

You should have mugged the kid, and took the dough, in front of the animal lovers.

And Finally, Thats a lot more detail about your vomit/poop cleaning excellence, than I needed or wanted wanted to hear. I hope you washed your hands. Nice of you to "enjoy' their pet's company while they were away.

Good Luck with the business.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

abrnfanatc

DEAR ABBY: I am an exchange student in Germany, nearing the end of my stay and going home in a couple of weeks. To express their gratitude to my host family for taking me in, my parents sent them a large package of sweets and candies from America.

My host brother's 14th birthday is coming up. His sister suggested he take the candies my parents sent to school and share them with his class for his birthday. Abby, I was appalled at her suggestion of "regifting" my parents' gift to the family. And I was even more shocked that no one in the family seemed to understand how this could be interpreted as ungrateful and rude.

After she made the suggestion, I interjected, saying that it would be mean to take it to school. They all replied with a surprised "Why?" I later explained to my host sister that I didn't want her brother to take the candies to school. Again I was asked, "Why not?"

What do you think of this behavior? I'm very hurt. It's not the first time I've experienced such thoughtless behavior from them. Is this some strange German custom, or does my host family have a severe lack of etiquette? -- HURT IN HOLSTEIN, GERMANY

[Bottomfeeder 244]

DEAR HURT IN HOLSTEIN,

Once you give a gift it is then the bearers to do with what they wish. Quit yer whinin.

BW,

Arny

[keoson7 28]

Dear Nancy-boy,

If you were any more of a pathetic crybaby, I would be appalled. Maybe these krauts don't like your American candy, maybe, you get your feelings hurt over nothing. You should be placed in an old Nazi prison camp and beaten for being a sissy. If you have a real problem, Write back.

Abner

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear appaled,

Don't you know the principles of Communism when you see them? A chicken in every pot, or in this case a piece of candy for every kid at school.

Don't let yourself get brainwashed while you are there...

Oh, wait, did you say Holstein, Germany? Nevermind.

Abberneitzhke

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear appalled,

Farfegnugen, beyotch

Abbi

[Tiger in Spain 0]

keoson

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married in a few weeks. She chose to have a small, intimate wedding, followed by a dinner reception. The cost is $60 per person. She strictly limited the number of invitations according to her budget.

Abby, she now has more acceptances than invitations sent! It seems that many of the people who are coming have added other relatives to their response cards. One family added two teenagers, another added cousins of the groom that he has never even met. The guest list has grown by one-third.

Is there a way to handle this -- or are we in big trouble when the bill comes? -- HORRIFIED IN BEAUMONT, CALIF

[Tigermike 3,078]

Dear Horrified,

Cut out the dinner reception then order pizza and beer for everyone. If you want to kick it up o notch or two, be sure and order enough hot wings for everyone.

Deep down you know most of the wedding pictures will look something like this.

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Horrified,

Take your daughter to the courthouse, spend $20. Take the rest and give it to her for a nice honeymoon, minus the charge to print a big banner to leave at the reception site saying "Just Kidding"

[Bottomfeeder 244]

Dear Horrified,

Elope, but instead stick the remainder of the green in a Roth IRA for the both of them, and have Krystal Burgers for the reception, apple turnovers for the cake. For the honeymoon, I suggest going back to the house which helps save the environment. Their on their own after the crumb-snatchers start showing up.

Good Luck,

Diogenidae Clibanarius

[keoson7 28]

Dear Sucker,

What did you think? You could have a small INTIMATE ceremony? When will people learn to get some family, and friends, put on a buffet , and when the food is gone, so be it. At $60 a pop,that sounds like a rip off. With all the redneck wedding crashers coming, beer and hotwings would suffice. Three words best describe you, Dumb, dumb, and dumb. Good luck paying off this fiasco.

Abby

[GalensGhost 0]

Here's an idea. Do it buffet style. Spend exactly what you intended to spend on food and give everybody a number at the door of the reception. They have to go through the line in order. Freeloaders get the highest number.

Or try this. Serve one plate to the person who was invited and give empty plates to all the add-ons. Maybe the invited will want to share.

Honestly? I don't give a crap. What ever happened to being able to TELL people things? Is your phone broken? Did you lose your voice? What stops you from calling these people and simply saying "You're welcome to come, but we wree planning a smaller ceremony and simply can't accomodate any of the additional requests you made?" If they're so sensitive that pisses them off, they have the problem, not you.

That this country has evolved to the point that people are afraid to say anything that might be offensive to someone else is truly sad. So I'm going to try to start a new trend of honesty right now. Ready?

You're an idiot. You're a spineless idiot. I don't care about your stupid wedding or whether any of the rednecks you invited show up or not. Don't bother writing back to tell me how it goes because I'd rather be scratching my butt and smelling my fingers. Got it? Good.

Abby..

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Horrified,

Make sure that you serve the add-ons first. Give them huge plates with food piled on them so high that you are sure they cannot finish it all. Then give the people that you ACTUALLY invited small dessert plates with tiny portions of what is left after Freddie, Minnie and the crew have been served.

Then when the first one complains, you simply ask them where on the invitation it said to invite everyone you know.

I can promise you it will not happen again.

Abbs