What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear Whorey-fied,

You don't realize this, but all of the addons are cousins wha have already slept with your daughter. They just want to come and see who got their sloppy seconds. The issue here is that you did not specify the number of people invited on each invitation. Therefore, bite the bullet and call each of the folks that requested extra attendees and tell them that they can bring as many extra as they like, as long as they let you know now and send a check in the amount of $60 for EACH extra person.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

abrnfantac

DEAR ABBY: What can I do about a family member who corrects my grammar and pronunciation, interrupting what I am saying? I am well-educated and pronounce things well -- most of the time. An example: I was saying, "So, she said she was the liaison to ..." and this person will say, "Is that how you say that?" I will say, "I thought so," and the person will respond, "Well, it's French, you know, so I would think it is pronounced ..." and on and on, and of course the original conversation is lost.

I have tried everything. I have asked her to stop and she promises, but does not. I have tried ignoring the interruption and talking over her, but that is rude, and then she acts hurt. I have tried stopping the conversation and not continuing afterward, but she doesn't notice. It seems not to have occurred to her that others in the room might actually want to hear what I was going to say.

I think she would stop if she could, and she isn't trying to be mean. Have you any suggestions, because this certainly is frustrating. -- PAMELA IN TAMPA, FLA.

[DKW 86 7,481]

Dear Pam, No one is perfect. Wait, they will make a mistake. When they do correct them and yes belittle them. Belittle them in front of others and make it memorable and hurt too. You will be doing them and the rest of the world a favor.

Abby.

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear Pam,

You seem to be one of those friends who are always trying to be nice and helpful to all. You will have to be more assertive if you wish to overcome this. The fact that your "friend" does this to you is in fact HER rudeness. To ignore and continue is not rude. Each time she does this, restart the the sentence even louder each time (while staring directly at her) until you are yelling so loud that it is clear to everyone that you will not tolerate an interuption. Yes, this does make you look a little snotty. But the situation has gotten to the point that you need to be a little snotty. Continue to do this until your friend gets tired of everyone focussing on her interuption. We correct our children not our peers. (Jenny)

Abby

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Milktoast -

You've asked your friend to stop and she persists. Yet you worry about her feeling "hurt" if you talk over her? Sounds like you're just a putz.

Here's a simple solution. Next time she says something like "Is that how you pronounce liason?" Tell her, "I'm not sure, but I am pretty certain on the pronunciation of "shut up bitch. That's American, by the way." That ought to do it.

If not, just keep worrying about whether she's "hurt" while she hikes up her leg and continues to crap on your head. You disgust me. Grow a set.

A

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DKW

DEAR ABBY: My husband's stepsister, "Melanie," visits us from Alabama for five days every year. When Melanie stays with us, she expects to make us a "Southern dinner" one night during her stay. Before she arrived, I told my husband, "Lawton," that I didn't want her making dinner because she goes through my kitchen drawers and cabinets without asking where anything is. She just takes over my kitchen! I don't mind if Melanie helps herself to something in the refrigerator, gets a plate and silverware or something of that nature. But for her to come in and take over my kitchen and root through every drawer and cabinet truly upsets me.

Lawton went against my wishes and told Melanie it was OK to make the dinner. Abby, I couldn't even stand to be in my own kitchen while she was preparing it. I felt I couldn't say one word in my own home.

Lawton accused me of being "hostile" to her and a spoiled brat. He also let me know it is his home, too, and when his stepsister comes to visit, she's allowed to do whatever she wants.

Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? If I am a guest in someone's home (even my sister's), I never do anything without asking. I was brought up to respect another person's home. I feel my husband should have complied with my wishes. Am I wrong? Please enlighten me. -- UPSET WIFE, POTTSTOWN, PA.

[keoson7 28]

Dear Upset whiner, uh, wife,

Just go ahead and say it, you hate southerners. Maybe one of your ancestors died in the civil war, or you are just a bigot. What could it hurt to let this southern belle cook one meal in "YOUR" kitchen. In the south, people treat guests with respect, you are obviously an uptight P.O.S. yankee. Maybe you should spend some time in Alabama, and while visiting, ask some of the locals to remove that stick from your a$$. I think it would be in Melanie's best interest to stay home, and spare you the trouble of a visit. Your problems are a lot more involved than, a meal cooked in your precious kitchen. Seek counseling before you attempt suicide, better yet, off yourself, and do your hubby and his step sister a big favor. He deserves alot better than you, yankee

Abbs.

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Upset -

As you're lying in the floor choking on your last breath after choking because you stuffed your mouth with heaping helpings of crispy fried pork chops, mashed potatoes, black eyed peas and collards, remember two words that actually mean something: Southern hospitality. Then die.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear upset,

I completely agree with you. When an individual has a place of personal comfort developed, its hard to let someone in. That would be akin to your brother visiting and going through your husbands workshop, using all the tools and opening every container without asking where things are. I don't really see this as a yankee/rebel thing, its more of a personal space issue. Many women identify with their homes and especially the kitchen when they provide daily meals to the ones they love. Some people need to have this explained to them. You need to sit down and discuss this with his sister and just tell her that it has driven you nuts for years and that while you enjoy the meal, you feel violated over your kitchen. There is nothing rude about that. Her whole purpose is to bring you enjoyment by providing you with something you do not get every day. That may be her one talent. and tell you husband that if he ever wants a cooked meal again, he needs to be a little more sensitive to your issues. Help her out in the kitchen by being there to just talk and to point out where things are. Offer to be the gopher. Southern women LOVE to talk while they cook. I promise she can handle it.

Abby

Man. I gotta go shoot something. That was way too sensitive.

[Tigermike 3,078]

Dear Ungrateful POTTSTOWN Bit_h,

She's cooking for you. You don't like it because "she goes through my kitchen drawers and cabinets without asking where anything is." Big frigging deal, get a life, it's only kitchen gadgets, how private are they? Please tell you you don't hide private battery operated gadgets in the kitchen!!!! Face it, the real problem for you is that she is a better cook than you. Get your ass in the kitchen and watch her, maybe you can learn something. Here's something else you need to learn. Listen close you ignorant Yankee, Melanie considers herself family, you consider her a guest. Lawton remembers what family is, you on the other hand have no idea.

I think Lawton is correct, you are "hostile" to her and you obviously are a spoiled brat.

You asked for enlightenment, so here it is.

Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? - Hell yes!

If I am a guest in someone's home (even my sister's), I never do anything without asking. - Family should feel welcome and should never be made to feel like the way you want this lady to feel. You bytch.

I was brought up to respect another person's home. - But you missed the lesson on making gamily and guest welcome and comfortable.

I feel my husband should have complied with my wishes. - It sounds like you have issues with Lawton not being a hen pecked, P Whipped, wimp like you want.

Am I wrong? Hell yes.

Please enlighten me. - Consider yourself enlightened.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Damn, CCTAU. That was profound! You get the nod my friend!

DEAR ABBY: I am a physician and mother who goes to substantial lengths to avoid subjecting my 6-year-old son, "Brandon," to secondhand smoke. My husband and I feel so strongly about it that we let our nanny, "Edith," go because she persisted in smoking around Brandon. (She had stated on her employment application that she was a nonsmoker.)

Brandon recently returned from a week-long visit with my in-laws, "Connie" and "Fred," out of state. They are both aware of my concerns regarding secondhand smoke. When they visit us, Connie smokes outside or sneaks smokes in the bathroom. Before we sent Brandon to visit, I explicitly asked Connie not to smoke indoors during his visit, and she agreed.

When Brandon got home, I was shocked to hear that while he was there -- and without conferring with my husband or me -- Connie and Fred had invited our ex-nanny to spend part of the week with them. According to Brandon, Edith and Connie smoked in the kitchen and living room in his presence.

I am hurt that my in-laws refused to take our health concerns to heart. My husband wants to keep the peace, but suggests we not allow Brandon any more unsupervised visits with his grandparents. I feel my husband should discuss their lack of candor in agreeing not to expose Brandon to cigarette smoke, and not following through. It also seems odd that they'd invite an employee we had terminated to visit without clearing it with my husband or me. What do you think? -- SMOKING MAD IN ILLINOIS

[CCTAU 3,355]

Damn, CCTAU. That was profound! You get the nod my friend!

I am a very particular person with personal space and items. If I ever borrow something from you, it shines in places you didn't even know it shined in when you get it back. I freely let folks borrow things until they porve otherwise untrustworthy. And I will always help you out if given enough notice. That being said, I like to be shown a fair anount of respect when it come to the items I have worked so hard for. That doesn't mean if I let you borrow it and it breaks, I hate you for life. Quite the contrary, everything is replaceable. But I do not condone the misuse or mistreatment of items. Within this realm falls my right to have sayso over my items and areas that I am responsible for. So if you come into my shop and start rummaging, you will get a big surprise. so I just asume that many women feel that way about their home and kitchen. Now I do not claim to understand it, but my wife preaches to me all the time about how the home is a direct reflection of the woman who lives there. So I have to give a woman a little leeway when it comes to having her home/kitchen violated. On the surface it sounded like the woman wa a bitch and most of the guys confirmed that. But a deeper understanding of the personlization of the home by a woman helps explain this woman's issues. Now, if I have helped any of you guys understand your women better, then you are in trouble already my friend. Cause I still get it wrong every day. Just ask my wife.

Dear Smoking mad,

AMEN. You have the right to protect your child. But know that your child is 6 years old. He understands that if somebody is smoking, get away from them. Unless that child is stuck in the car with them, he has some place to go. I have family that does this and my children know not to be around them. They go to another room or outside. I try not to leave my children there for more than a night or two for this very reason. As for inviting the Nanny over, I'm sure you made it clear that she was fired for smoking. That does not mean she did not care for the child deeply. The grandparents knew this and decided to play goody goodies. This is called supreme parenting. They know better than you and always will, especially since the nanny is in the smoker's club. Who they have visit their home is of no concern to you unless it puts your child in danger. To cut the child off from the grandparents would be devastating but to accept something you don't believe in would be even worse. Talk to them and let them know that there will be no more extended visits if they cannot be adults and control themselves. Everything in life is a decision. Your decisions hinge on the (real or perceived) safety of your child. That is your job. But do discuss it with them so that they do not get the wrong ideas. You would be surprised at what grandparents will do to see their grandchildren.

Abby

I'm gonna start charging for this.......

[keoson7 28]

Dear Smoking Mad,

You should only allow your child short visits with these smokers. Some people don't care if other people are harmed, and are too selfish or addicted to change their ways. It's sad, and one day you will be at their funeral after a bout with lung disease, or related illness.

my condolences,

Abb

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Smoking mad,

Let's review a little shall we? First, your darling little pink lunged Brandon turns your live-in nanny into a smoker. Second, his grandparents have to sneak smokes to calm their nerves when your little angel visits.

Last, the grandparents have to invite the former non-smoking nanny over to help them control the little brat.

Maybe instead of protecting his little lungs, you should be whipping the little angel into line.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

abrnfanatc

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your older readers -- age 90 -- but I don't look a day over 70. I recently told my sister that I wear hip-huggers, and she asked me if I'm going senile. She thinks it's awful. I say hip-huggers are comfortable in the summer heat. What is your opinion? -- "HIP" IN CASSELBERRY, FLA.

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Hip Replacement,

I got nothing.

Abbs

[saniflush 0]

Dear Hip In Florida,

There is nothing wrong with wearing the hip huggers as long as you stay in your retirement community. There are plenty of younger men (80) around there who would like to take a stab at a very experienced coochie mama like yourself.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear Hip,

Once again my editors seem intent on wasting valuable space with meaningless words.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Push

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who baby-sits for extra money. I baby-sat for a new family last week. After I put the kids to bed, I found a snake in the house. I was scared for the kids, so I grabbed a kitchen knife and chopped off the snake's head.

When the parents returned, I found out it was their pet snake that had escaped from its cage, and they were really angry. I feel terrible about it. Although I apologized, they won't talk to me when they see me in the neighborhood.

Should I write them a letter of apology or buy them a new snake? I don't know what the proper etiquette is when you kill someone's pet. -- RATTLED IN TEXAS

[saniflush 0]

Dear Rattled,

The ungrateful parents should be happy that you cared enough about their children and your responsabilites as their employee to cut the head off the vermin. Don't send an apology, and don't buy them a new snake. They can get their own replacement when they are coming back from their next Goth ball.

-Abby-

[CCTAU 3,355]

Dear Rattler,

You da bomb-diggity. You can babysit for me anytime. Woe be unto the intruder that tries to harm my children while you are there. If I had a dog, it would be my duty to inform you of it. Same with any other pet. The error lies within the lack of communication of the parents. They should always disclose anything unusual. And having a pet snake is unusual. So they pay and you move on to the next job. Excellent job. You apologized, that's enough.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear Rattled,

Nice job, the only good snake, is a dead snake.

Abb

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Hero,

I can only hope that while hatcheting up the vermin, you were yelling "I want these mo%$^# f%^$#@# snakes off of my mo%^&* f*()^%$ floor."

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Dear Hero,

I can only hope that while hatcheting up the vermin, you were yelling "I want these mo%$^# f%^$#@# snakes off of my mo%^&* f*()^%$ floor."

Abby

Nailed it, man!

DEAR ABBY: When we were in our 20s, my best friend "Debbie" was an actress in several movies and television shows. Then she married, started a family and retired to be a stay-at-home mom. However, when she was just starting out and was desperate for work, she had a nude role in a movie. It wasn't pornography, but it was graphic. Her sons are now in high school and college.

Last week, I was searching for her new e-mail address and did a Web search on the Internet. I found several pictures of her that had been taken on the movie set -- and those pictures could definitely be called pornographic.

I doubt if Debbie knows they exist, much less have been posted on the Internet. She is not much of a Net surfer, but her sons are. Should I tell her? Or should I keep my mouth shut and hope for the best? -- WORRIED IN WOOSTER, OHIO

[keoson7 28]

Dear Wooster,

If your friend has high school and college age kids, I'm sure their friends know. Telling her serves no purpose. It would only cause her unneeded worry. Her kids are probably already showing her pics off, and bragging how hot their mommy was. Keep out of her dirty laundry, or you may end up soiling your friendship.

abbs