What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[Tigermike 3,041]

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a serious relationship for 13 months. The woman I am with has a daughter who is 15 months old. I am the only father figure that has ever been in her life. Her biological father, "Evan," saw her only twice. I have been supporting my lady and her child for a while.

Last January, Evan died, and my lady took it hard. Last Saturday, she got his name tattooed on her back without consulting me. She didn't tell me until after it was done, and it upset me. We are supposed to be married soon.

Every time we make love, that tattoo reminds me of Evan. I feel she should have asked me what I thought about the idea first. She expects me to consult her about things that I do before I do them. Am I wrong for expecting the same respect from her as I give her? Should I tell her how I feel, or should I avoid having a confrontation with her and try to forget about it? -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX

If I were Abby, my advice to the guy would be

Dear Meal Ticket,

Tattoo "Evan" on your back too. That'll confuse her.

Abby

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Dear Loser,

1) Wake up, smell the coffee.

2) Kick her to the curb.

3) Pray for the kid.

This psycho needs to waste no more of your time. Grow a set and punt her out of your life now. She is obviously obsessed with Evan. Soon he will some be mythological in her world. You will never measure up to her mythic Evan. You are wasting your time. So, move on. Get some psychiatric help of your own. Get a life!

Abby

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Much like trying to live up to a mythological coach's legend, I guess. Should we forward this advise to Shula?

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Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Here's todays challenge....

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years to a man who just doesn't take work seriously. It seems he'd rather that I work than he. He has been on workers' comp twice and just got off again after three years. He works when he wants, just enough to get by -- pretty much burdening me with the bills.

I have an opportunity to board where I work this year. It is quite a ways away, and the season lasts six months. My husband threatens to kick me out if I do. To be honest, I think he just wants me here to pay the bills.

Oh, and he abuses me, too, so I feel leaving would be good for me all the way around. Please tell me what you think. -- GLAD FOR A WAY OUT IN NEW YORK

Dear Glad for a way out in New York,

So, you have Bama fans up in the Empire State, too?! Divorce him and demand the trailer and half of his welfare entitlements in the settlement.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

1.Send the " Evan" obsessed chick packing. it's in"ev"itable

2.Let the guy have his best woman? what a fruit loop

3.Leave the deadbeater and get on with your life flying solo.

If you have to write in to Abby's daughter, you're pathetic.

[abrnfanatc 6]

Here's todays challenge....

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years to a man who just doesn't take work seriously. It seems he'd rather that I work than he. He has been on workers' comp twice and just got off again after three years. He works when he wants, just enough to get by -- pretty much burdening me with the bills.

I have an opportunity to board where I work this year. It is quite a ways away, and the season lasts six months. My husband threatens to kick me out if I do. To be honest, I think he just wants me here to pay the bills.

Oh, and he abuses me, too, so I feel leaving would be good for me all the way around. Please tell me what you think. -- GLAD FOR A WAY OUT IN NEW YORK

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Dear Yankee Trash,

If you have to use an afterthought to mention that your husband abuses you, the two of you are probably made for each other. Just make sure he gets hurt badly at his next job so he can get disability rather than having to fool with workmen's comp claims.

P.S. No mattter what you decide, just make sure you NEVER procreate.

Abby

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Glad:

Why bother writing me? From the sounds of your letter, you already know what a deadbeat loser this guy is. Cut the cord, cut the pursestrings, and then report him to the state for workers comp fraud.

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Glad,

If you're not happy, then leave. Slash the tires to his Fiero on your way out. You'll feel better.

Abby

[AWK 0]

Dear Glad,

Divorce Him, My address is ____ __________ _____, come live with me, I need a sugar momma.

[DKW 86 7,431]

Dear Glad,

If you're not happy, then leave.  Slash the tires to his Fiero on your way out.  You'll feel better.

Abby

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On a side note, I now a guy that lived in a trailer, owned two Fieros. He just plead guilty to 1st Degree Rape, 2nd Degree Domestic Violence, and Child Abuse. All this happened to his 5-6 year old granddaughter. I just bet it was going on for years with the daughter too.

He got 25 years. He will be 73 when he gets out. Hope he gets a cell with Bubba, the 400 pound gay skinhead serial killer. It would be too good for him.

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Glad,

I have a job, if you have a bass boat, give me a call.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Dear Abby: The letter you printed from "Dismayed Grandmother" brought back memories. I couldn't have been more than 8, and it was my father's birthday. There were flowers on his birthday cake, and he said to me, "Go ahead, smell the flowers!" I bent over the cake to smell the flowers and he pushed my face into the frosting.

I am now 72, and remember how it felt to be deceived and humiliated by my father. Other people in the room may have been laughing, but I wasn't. My father thought he was being funny. Instead, he lost his daughter's love and trust that day. – Wishes He Hadn't

Dear Wishes He Hadn't,

This is why it was so funny to others, you couldn't take a joke. C'mon lady, it's been 64 years....get over it already.

[saniflush 0]

Dear Wishes He Hadn't,

Let me guess, your father pressing your face into the cake scarred you for life and because of it you never held a steady job, didn't pay your bills, and it is everyone elses fault. Maybe if you started living life you would be happier and thus not write to me taking up space where other people with real problems could get help. Next time that you are at the grocery store see if they have sense of humors on sale.

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Wishes He Hadn't,

You really should have made your father an ex-lax cake a long time ago...you would feel much better now if you had. Never fear though, it is not too late. Maybe you can send the old man out for a drive in the country with a Kennedy. That could bring you hours of enjoyment.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Wishes He Hadn't,

When I read this letter, I laughed at the image it brought up. Just in case you were finally getting over it, that will give you something to think about for the next 60 years.

[quietfan 233]

Dear Wishes,

Forget the cake incident, the worst thing your father did to you was letting you grow up with no sense of humor and no ability to forgive.

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Wishes He Hadn't,

I never met your father, but I think it would be safe to say that he would have extended your 'Dear Abby' name to "Wishes He Hadn't Had You".

Abby

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Wishes.

...

Never mind. You are too stupid to even waste my words on. I can only pray that you are single and childless, and therefore have never inflicted your self-absorbed psychosis on others.

Abby

[DKW 86 7,431]

Dear Wishes,

Those who cannot forgive condemn themselves.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

I guess we should name a daily winning response, huh? Here they are:

Dead Guy Tattoo: Supperclub

Female "Best Man": CCTAU

Deadbeat Wifebeater in New York: AWK

Face Smashed into the Cake: Jenny

Now, on to today's problem du jour:

Dear Abby: I have been in a committed relationship for five years with a woman who disagrees with me about something and won't let the subject drop. Several years ago, I put my family home on the market. I accepted an early offer. My partner told me I was "naive" and selling the house for too little. I took her advice and pulled out of the deal.

A couple of months later, I sold the house for $80,000 more than the previous offer. My partner says I owe her the $80,000 because she "earned" it for me.

Although she says she would not have accepted such an offer from me, she feels I should've offered to give her that amount. I believe if she had my best interests at heart, to say nothing of the interests of our relationship, she would never have even thought such a thing. What is your take on this? – Second Thoughts

Dear Second Thoughts,

You are nuttier than a squirrel's turd if you give this chick one red cent. She is obviously testing you to see how far down your testicles hang. If you give her the money, you're screwed....and not in a good way.

Problems such as yours are best solved with an offer of an open handed slap to the mouth. That threat will most likely knock her gold-digging hands away from your wallet and she will never mention the money matter again.

[DKW 86 7,431]

Second Thoughts,

Wow, can you not see how brazenly manipulative she is? Dont give her a cent, not one. I have a bet with the office staff. The sex must be really great with this chick huh? Well, have your way with her, keep her away from anything that would mean any commitment, dont even buy her dinner anymore, and when she wises up that YOU are using HER, kick her to the curb.

DKW has approved this message.

[saniflush 0]

Dear Second Thoughts,

Maybe the real point of contention here is that you have not been paying her for her companionship. Remeber, you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay a hooker to leave.

Abby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Second Thoughts,

Offer your "partner" the $80,000 just to see what her reaction really is. No matter what she says, DO NOT give her a cent. If she readily accepts the offer, send her packing before she can get the "y" in okay out of her mouth. Otherwise, you might still have a chance in your relationship. On second thought, send her packing anyway just for even believing that she "earned" that money for you.

Abby

PS - My address is ****** ************ ***, ********** ******* *****. You can send me the $80,000 for the advice.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Really not sure if this is a same sex partner or not. Surely no "MAN" would have such a lack of balls. Nobody earns squat unless there is a deal made. I give advice all day long (not that anybody listens), if happen to get it right every now and then, does that mean I am "owed" anything other than a "hey, nice call?"

But alas, I digress, give the witch the money. Maybe she'll go away. Money well spent.

[Tigermike 3,041]

Dear Second Thoughts,

Get rid of her and keep the $80,000 and move to Waldron, Arkansas! Hellsbells Dude, prostitutes in Waldron are doing it for water!!!!!

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Second Thoughts,

Get rid of her and keep the $80,000 and move to Waldron, Arkansas!  Hellsbells Dude, prostitutes in Waldron are doing it for water!!!!!

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I think we have a winner for this round TIS...

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Yeah, JJ knocked it out of the park with that one!

I got behind today...I decided to play hookey from work and go golfing!

Today's gem:

Dear Abby: I have been married nine years. "Marianne" and I have two wonderful boys and a terrific relationship – except for one thing, lousy sex. In therapy, Marianne has confessed to me that she is not turned on by me and that there is nothing I can do to change it – I am just "not her type." (I am an attractive man, but she married me for my personality.) Needless to say, I am very hurt.

Before her confession, I thought Marianne was just not very sexual. Now it turns out that she is, just not with me. What do I do? – Crushed