What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Patient,

Have her husband come and cut your grass also. No problem here. Keep having sex with his wife on his dime. Have her pay for all the meals and drive everywhere. Offer to balance her checkbook for her. No reason to marry. Here is a perfect example of the cow and the free milk. Now is not the time to become lactose intollerent.

Abby

PS See if you can get her husband to pay for you to have sex with his wife on a vacation. The beach would be nice.

[DKW 86 7,441]

Dear Schmuck,

I quit reading after I read this: "Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son." If you cared anything about your son, it would have read 'My son and I." This line tells me you are far more concerned about yourself. Have you thought about what you are teaching your son? Random sex with non-committed partners and married women is okay? You really want that life for him? Probably never crossed your mind you self absorbed wimp.

Dump the whore, take your son to church, one with a great youth department and a singles ministry. After you are there and well grounded, say two years, find a great Christian woman that loves your son first, like you should be doing now.

Fellow you are so lost on so many levels.....

DAVE (Forget Abby on this one.)

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Schmuck,

I quit reading after I read this: "Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son." If you cared anything about your son, it would have read 'My son and I." This line tells me you are far more concerned about yourself. Have you thought about what you are teaching your son? Random sex with non-committed partners and married women is okay? You really want that life for him? Probably never crossed your mind you self absorbed wimp.

Dump the whore, take your son to church, one with a great youth department and a singles ministry. After you are there and well grounded, say two years, find a great Christian woman that loves your son first, like you should be doing now.

Fellow you are so lost on so many levels.....

DAVE (Forget Abby on this one.)

238781[/snapback]

I give up on this one

[Jenny AU-92 0]

I quit reading after I read this: "Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son." If you cared anything about your son, it would have read 'My son and I." This line tells me you are far more concerned about yourself.

238781[/snapback]

Uh, Dave...? The phrase "me and my son" is actually grammatically correct. BUt I get your point - so see below:

Love and kisses:

Grammar Wench

I quit reading after I read this: "Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son." If you cared anything about your son, it would have read 'My son and me." This line tells me you are far more concerned about yourself.

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Mental Patient,

That is what your son will be soon if you don't wake up and smell the garbage heap. You are teaching your son that polygamy is okay by shacking up with an already married woman.

Move to Utah and stop your bitching.

Yours Truly,

Abby

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear Patient,

You are so dang stupid I am not even going to bother with an answer.

Oh, did you say you were from California? Isn't that behavior normal there?

[Tiger in Spain 0]

CCTAU edges out David on this one, and I'll explain why. I was quite impressed with the "See if you can get her husband to pay for you to have sex with his wife on a vacation" and "Have her husband come and cut your grass" responses. I actually witnessed this sort of thing years ago with a good friend of mine. His wife left him (not divorced, just needed a "change of pace" for a while) and shacked up with this dude in Springville. My friend was so dead set on winning the harlot back that he paid for them (wife and new beau) to go off on a romantic weekend getaway in Gatlinburg AND he was her little "odd job" package donkey. If she needed anything done around the new guys house, she would call him and he'd drop what he was doing to rush to her aid. Friggin' loser.

Dear Abby: I am due to have my third baby, delivered by the same doctor who delivered my first two children.

I know some women who, after the birth of their child, have sent flowers to the doctor's office as a thank-you. I also know some women who have given the flowers they received in the hospital as gifts to the nurses' station and delivering doctor. Is it customary to send a thank-you to an obstetrician, or am I thanking them with my "business"? (And they are certainly paid handsomely for it!) Also, is passing along flowers received in the hospital a traditional thing to do, or is it cheap and tacky? – Expecting in Lyons, Colo.

[DKW 86 7,441]

CCTAU edges out David on this one, and I'll explain why. I was quite impressed with the "See if you can get her husband to pay for you to have sex with his wife on a vacation" and "Have her husband come and cut your grass" responses. I actually witnessed this sort of thing years ago with a good friend of mine. His wife left him (not divorced, just needed a "change of pace" for a while) and shacked up with this dude in Springville. My friend was so dead set on winning the harlot back that he paid for them (wife and new beau) to go off on a romantic weekend getaway in Gatlinburg AND he was her little "odd job" package donkey. If she needed anything done around the new guys house, she would call him and he'd drop what he was doing to rush to her aid. Friggin' loser.

Dear Abby: I am due to have my third baby, delivered by the same doctor who delivered my first two children.

I know some women who, after the birth of their child, have sent flowers to the doctor's office as a thank-you. I also know some women who have given the flowers they received in the hospital as gifts to the nurses' station and delivering doctor. Is it customary to send a thank-you to an obstetrician, or am I thanking them with my "business"? (And they are certainly paid handsomely for it!) Also, is passing along flowers received in the hospital a traditional thing to do, or is it cheap and tacky? – Expecting in Lyons, Colo.

239001[/snapback]

Hey TIS, I really took myself out of it. I really wanted to sign it DAVE. This was a letter TO Abby.

[LegalEagle 22]

Dear Expectin',

Thank the Doc with a check. Why do you think he/she wants flowers? My guess is the Doc won't lower your bill whether you send flowers or not. If your kid is so ugly at birth that the Doc has a heart attack and dies when he/she sees it, then send flowers. You may want to set that up before you enter the hospital just in case.

Do not pass hospital flowers on to others. It's not just tacky, it's dangerous and disqusting! Did you ever hear that hospitals are full of sick folks? Did you know that germs a floating around in the air everywhere? Giving hospital flowers is like giving a biological weapon. Leave the flowers at the hospital and stop having more kids! Duh, any clue who the father is?

AbbyNormal

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Expecting,

How big a pain in the ass were you? If you were one of those screaming, wailing, whining, clawing, only-person-who-ever-had-a-baby bitches, then leave every single flower you receive and order a few dozen more for those poor nurses. Forget the doctor - he only shows up for the last three minutes, while those poor nurses have to deal with your psycho self the whole freaking time, and HE's the one getting the big paycheck.

Maybe this time he'll spay you while he's in there, and this won't be an issue in the future. Geez, woman, ever hear of birth control?

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Expectin,

I think the check from you and the insurance company, plus the free peek at your dilly dally is payment enough. Take the money from the flowers and buy yourself some valium, you're probably gonna need it in the next few months.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Expectin,

Blah, blah, blah, flowers, blah, blah, blah, doctor, blah, blah, blah, nurses.

See where this is headed?

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Jenny wins the pot.

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Alicia" and I'm 16. About a year ago, my mom got two puppies. Although they are annoying, I have to admit they are very cute and adorable.

My problem is, ever since we've had the puppies, I have thought my mom loves them more than she loves my brother and me. For some reason, I feel replaced by them. I know she loves us very much, but it hurts to think she cares more for them than she cares for us. I think that because my brother and I are getting older, she needs something else to love. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry, but I have never been a person to spill my guts out to my parents. Can you give me any advice that would help me with this? -- REPLACED BY DOGS IN MASSACHUSETTS

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Alicia the Dog Girl,

Antifreeze. Either for the dogs or for you and your brother. Let your mom choose.

Abby

[bammanmr 0]

Dear Replaced by Dogs

Just relax, your mom is what we call, a housewife. No matter how exciting life is, she's going to get bored of it very quickly because of massive doses of antidepressants she takes, in lieu of the marijuana she used to smoke to deal with her 'problems'. When the dogs get to be a year old or so, your mom will forget all about them, much like she has done with you and your brother. She'll stop paying so much attention to them, and notice that your brother has pimped you out, and that you have a 200$ a day meth habit. Well, maybe it isn't such a bad thing that she's ignoring you, right?

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear REPLACED,

You say "have never been a person to spill my guts out to my parents". But you are doing so to a complete stranger? If you are so insecure that you feel replaced and unloved because your Mom got some puppies, you need counseling. On the other hand at 16 years old your problem is possibly more hormones than psychological. On the other hand you could be a narcissist little twit. Please don't take this too hard, today I am in the throes of PMS.

Abby

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Replaced,

Of course your mom loves you and your brother. I'm sure that there isn't anything in this world that she wouldn't do for you guys!

It's just that you aren't as cute as the puppies that she bought. That, and the puppies never hit her up for money, ask to borrow the car, or complain about what she's made for dinner. She never has to hear the puppies talk about how pathetic their lives are, and how no one likes them, and how they get teased at school for being "smelly". You get the idea.

That being said, it's not that she doesn't love you, it's that she loves the puppies more. Honestly ask yourself, do you blame her? I didn't think so.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Puppy twit,

Suicide is ALWAYS an option.

Abby

[DKW 86 7,441]

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

BEING GAY ISN'T AN ILLNESS; DON'T BOTHER WITH A CURE

DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

Comments?

All I can say is that we should all be very scared. This idiot probably votes!

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Grandma,

You are absolutely correct. Only its a special type of circumcision that takes place directly behind the testicles and completes with a cross-sectionional chop. After this you will not have to worry about it anymore. Please, if you catch this young man playing hide the gazorgida-zorgida with another man, immediately institute this procedure.

Abby

PS. Voting is no longer necassary for you. The government has already determined your needs.

[Tigermike 3,054]

I won't touch that one.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

bammanmr wins the round.

DEAR ABBY: When we go out to dinner with another couple, what is the proper way to handle the bill? My husband and I are frequently invited to join other couples at a restaurant for dinner.

We always assume the bill will be split among the couples. If we ask another couple out, are we required to pay the tab?

Last weekend, we invited "John and Mary" to dinner and we were stuck with a $250 bill. They never mentioned the bill, nor the $50 tip we left. -- JEN IN TOWNSEND, DEL.

[Captain Liger 0]

Dear Jen,

The bill should always be split between couples unless one couple insists on paying. John and Mary are douche bag friends and you should dump them. You too deserve a shovel up side the head for not having the balls to instruct the waiter to split the bill. At any rate, do John and Mary leave their vehicle parked in their driveway at all times? If so, slash their tires around 2am on any given night. A good set of tires will cost at least $300. Problem solved.

Abby

[saniflush 0]

Dear Jen,

If you have no more common sense than to not already know the answer to this question then I have one for you.....

What time and where are WE eating this Friday?

Abby

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Jen,

It's all in how you ask. If you ask the other couple if they want to go out to dinner, then it's your date, you pay. If, however, you ask the other couple if they would like to meet you for dinner, then it’s a mutual thing. Any way you put it, it’s your fault for not asking the waiter to split the check. Embarrassment is one thing, my freaking wallet is another.

Abby