What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[Tigermike 3,054]

I probably shouldn't ask, but what is "a FFM with a hirsute lolita"?

[saniflush 0]

I probably shouldn't ask, but what is "a FFM with a hirsute lolita"?

237494[/snapback]

Glad you asked......I bet there is a happy ending involved.

[Tigermike 3,054]

I probably shouldn't ask, but what is "a FFM with a hirsute lolita"?

237494[/snapback]

Glad you asked......I bet there is a happy ending involved.

237500[/snapback]

I know one thing, I don't plan to do a google search on that.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Supperclub wins the last round followed closely by GG; but I must say well played by all!

Today's gem:

Dear Abby: My best friend, "Dave," and I have known each other for 35 years, since kindergarten. Ten years ago, he married a woman from a wealthy family. Ever since the wedding, Dave has lost touch with his old friends from the past. He talks down to everyone less successful than he is.

I have tried to talk to him about it in a nonconfrontational way with no luck. Most of my problems are financial, and Dave is no longer able to relate. I no longer enjoy having lunch with him because all he ever talks about is how well he's doing.

I have invited him to go fishing, sailing, skeet shooting – even over for a bonfire I throw every year. The only activity Dave ever wants to do is play golf, which I tried for five years and still don't enjoy. My friend seems to have lost all interest in anything beyond golf and money.

Should I give up on this friendship? – Up To Here

[Captain Liger 0]

Dear Up To Here,

Apparently your friend "Dave" has never been introduced to the time honored tradition of "Bro's before Ho's." You should introduce him to it....at the end of a shovel if need be. If that doesn't get thru to him then he was never your friend to begin with.

Good luck with that.

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Up To Here,

Your friend is obsessed with golf because those are now the only balls he is allowed to possess, handle, use and call his own. The others are in his sugar momma's purse, up on the chifferobe. Cut his loose, but let him know that if he gets his balls back in the divorce settlement, you might be around.

Since when does marrying a checkbook make you a "success"? It seems to me, all it makes him is a male version of Anna Nicole Smith. If that's your idea of success, it's no wonder you have financial problems of your own. How about you start focusing on working hard and earning your way out of that double wide you call home, rather than being jealous that your buddy sold his soul to his wife's portfolio manager. Loser.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Up To Here,

Quit whining and find out if there are any other single females in the family. If not, then take your lazy ass to work, work some overtime, go back to school at night, but quit complaining about financial problems if you're not willing to do anything about it.

Abby

[saniflush 0]

Dear Up to Here,

Sounds like someone has some sour grapes over not having himself a sugar momma. Point of order, go find your own rich, nymphomaniac, whose father owns a liquor store.

Abby

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear Up To Here,

You say, "Most of my problems are financial,,," then you say "I have invited him to go fishing, sailing, skeet shooting,,,,,"

You also say you have been playing golf "for five years and still don't enjoy it"

It's easy to see why all your problems are financial. Have you ever thought of a better paying job and maybe even cutting out one or two of your weekly "fishing, sailing, skeet shooting excursions or one of your twice weekly golf games?

Golf is expensive, I know. In fact I have a brand new set of Callaway - Fusion Irons and Callaway Woods. And guess what, I don't have time to use them because of whiney letters from someone who is jealous that his best friend has hit the lottery. Dude does his wife have a sister? How about a best friend with money? Then you also can loose "all interest in anything beyond golf and money."

Get a life Dude!

[Guest Tigrinum Major]

Dear Up,

Go out and make a new friend. Just kidding, who would want to hang out with a guy that complains because you don't spend time doing the things you want to do? Your buddy might as well have a second wife. One that doesn't put out.

Grab a handgun and shoot either yourself or your friend.

Better yet, drive up here and shoot me. I can't take these whiny letters from you losers anymore.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

TM comes off the bench to hit a game winning 3 at the buzzer. Good show!

Dear Abby: Would it be OK to offer an interest-free loan to a prospective son-in-law to buy my daughter an engagement ring? They have been living together for more than two years. They talk about wedding plans all the time.

We conjecture that he has not popped the question because he can't afford to purchase an engagement ring.

– Caring Dad

[saniflush 0]

Dear Dad,

Why don't you really say what is on your mind?.....You are tired of this guy knocking the bottom out of your daughter without the usuall pain and suffereing that accompanies a full blown marriage.

In lieu of the interest free loan for a ring how about you make sure they have plenty of birth control so we aren't ALL supporting a child. Remebere it takes a village.....To raise an idiot.

Abby

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Caring Dad,

Way to be subtle... NOT.

Maybe loser boy hasn't popped the question because he is too busy popping your daughter for free with no committment and no strings attached. If he wanted to buy her a ring, he would find the money somewhere, trust me. But why should he? He can sit and talk wedding plans all the time, because he knows it ain't happening until he makes a move.

Your daughter is either a slut or incredibly stupid. You choose.

Abby

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Caring Dad,

Why in the hell would you offer this kid a no interest loan? Sure, lend him the money, but make him print out a copy of his credit report, and if his score is below, say 700 (which it will be), jack his interest up to 25%-30%. Why not extort the little punk as a payback for knockin' boots with your whore daughter for the past 2 years?

Either that, or don't give him anything and let them become common-law in a few more years.

I lay it out for you to play it out.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Caring Dad,

There's an old adage about why buy the cow when the milk is free. If he's getting the groove thang on with your daughter for nothing, why would he want a loan from anybody for the ring. If you insist though, get a roll of duct tape and tape her damn legs together long enough to get him a little backed up, then offer the loan. He might take you up on it at that point.

Abby

[Guest Tigrinum Major]

Dear "Dad",

How can you call yourself caring when you have obviously failed in your child rearing duties. Give the kid a loan if you want him to be on the "daddy-in-law" teat for the rest of his life.

Better idea? Get yourself a high powered rifle and take him out one spring morning as he leaves to go to his job at Hardee's.

You people sicken me.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Caring Dad,

You can't buy your way out of everything. Your daughter's a whore. Live with it.

And there's no way I'm gonna get a loan from you. Now if you want to fund a little "sex on the beach."

Son-in-law-not

[Tiger in Spain 0]

CCTAU gets the nod!

Dear Abby: Several months ago, I met and fell in love with an amazing woman I will call "Maria." My problem is, though she makes me happy, and it thrills me to hear that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, she kids me about breaking up on a regular basis. Sometimes it'll be a simple, "We're over! Oh – just kidding," or, "We're done! I need a new man – just kidding."

This humor of hers hurts a lot. She justifies it by saying that I don't have a sense of humor and that I take things too seriously. Abby, I love Maria with all my heart, and I want to have a future with her. But it hurts every time she does this. What should I do? – Ethan in Waynetown, Ind.

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Ethan,

This has to be some kind of joke. I just wasted 1 minute of my life reading this garbage, all because you don't know how to take a friggin' joke? I'll tell you what, the next time she says she wants to break up with you, take her up on it. She may not realize it at first, but you will be doing her a favor in the long run. She is going to be miserable for the rest of her life if she marries a fairy like you.

Then you may want to consider becoming a monk, taking a vow of silence and celibacy - because should not be legally allowed to reproduce, and I never want to hear from you again.

Abby

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Ethan,

The next time she says it, say "Leave me and I'll hack you to bits and feed you to the dogs. Just Kidding!"

Abby

[Tigermike 3,054]

Dear Ethan, the Sensitive little ball less boy in Waynetown, Ind.,

The next time "Maria" kids you that way tell her that you have made an appointment on the Jerry Springer Show for the two of you and her mother, sister, brother, a dog, a sheep and Big Bird. After you see the shocked look on her face, just smile and take a walk. When you get back tell her just kidding.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Ethan,

There are two things you can do to stop this. Next time she says this, do one of the following things:

1) Tell her, "Good, you're sister was better in bed anyway.....just kidding"

2) Break down crying, but pull an unloaded 9mm out of your beltline, pull the trigger and say, just kidding.

Abby

[DKW 86 7,441]

Ethan, (not my Ethan btw.)

You are proof positive that not all whiny, disgusting things are weeding themselves out of the gene pool. Take my advice, leave her alone. She is testing you to see what kind of mettle you are made of. You have already lost. Now all the other women in the free world know to avoid you too.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,346]

Dear Ethan,

Sleep with her best friend.

Not kidding,

Abby.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Jenny and Lukeduke share the honors

Dear Abby: For the last year I have been involved with a lovely woman who has been separated from her husband for two years. Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son, she has not yet accepted my proposal of marriage.

Her husband comes around several times a month to do work around the house and even balances her checkbook for her. They own several pieces of property together and both have good incomes.

I have expressed my concerned about what is keeping her from going ahead with a divorce. She claims she's waiting for her husband to file – and he's not ready yet! I say they're both hanging on to each other because neither of them is ready to move on with their lives. Should I wait? Or should I give up and hope to meet someone who is available for a nice guy who has a lot of love to share? – Patient in California