What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Crushed,

Let "Marianne" know that you have recently developed a personality disorder, and that your mind is telling you that you need a woman that knows how to really lay it down. If you have proof that she has cheated on you, slap her with some divorce papers and take your two boys to Grandma's.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,335]

Now herein lies the probelm with many marriages. Reminds me of an old tale I heard once. (tale not tail)

Old woman comes in after 50 years of marriage and slaps the old man. That's for 50 years of bad sex, she says. Old man knocks old woman out. Thats for knowing the difference, he says.

So, Dear Crushed,

KNOCK HER ASS OUT.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Push.

Next:

Dear Abby: My college roommate is getting married in three months. He asked me to be one of his groomsmen, but I do not approve of the woman he is marrying. She's controlling, talks down to him, and degrades him in front of family and friends. He makes excuses for her behavior, so I know he sees it as well.

Should I still stand up in his wedding, even though I don't think they should be married? – Red Flags

Red Flags,

She is just practicing to be his wife......it's normal behavior.

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Red Flags,

You're single, aren't you?

Abby

[Tigermike 3,040]

Dear Red Flags,

If he sees it and overlooks it and even makes excuses for it, it's great booty. His mind is warped for the time being. Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and let the lawyer tell him how much a divorce will cost in 15 - 29 years. Then let him make a decision.

[Guest Tigrinum Major]

Dear Red Flags:

Although I admire your convictions, do not ruin your friend's wedding by declining to participate. Go, be a groomsman and buy him a wedding gift to celebrate this day with him. I suggest a pair of balls since his soon to be wife obviously has his originals in her purse.

Godspeed.

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Red Flags,

Go to the wedding, enjoy yourself. Have a good time with the groom, it may be the last time you ever see him. While you're there, nail a bridesmaid. Remember, you're not the idiot marrying the suckubis.

[CCTAU 3,335]

True enough, this may be your last hoorah with your roomate. Let his angelic bride enjoy the day she longs for. Get together with your other buddies and have his balls bronzed and put in a see through case so his wife can keep them on the mantle. She has them already, just not bronzed.

Then take him out the night before and get him so drunk that he would marry a Waffle House waitress. Then dress him and deliver him to the wedding with about 10 minutes to spare.

PS. don't forget to comb his hair.

[DKW 86 7,431]

cctau

[Tiger in Spain 0]

CCTAU is our first two-time winner.

Dear Abby: I am a 12-year-old boy and I'm having a girl problem. There's a girl in my class, "Tara," who likes me. I like Tara as a friend. She has asked me out a few times and I have said, "No, I can't date until I'm 16."

In the meantime, I like a girl named "Amber" who goes to the same school. We're not really friends, but we have talked to each other. I have been told by my neighbor, who is on the same softball team as Amber, that she likes me. I'd like to ask Amber out when I can, but I don't want to hurt Tara's feelings. What do I do? – Torn in Albany, Calif.

[Tigermike 3,040]

Dear Romeo,

Let's get this straight, you have told Tara that you can't date until your 16. Now you want to go out with Amber who is in the same class. Obviously because of your age your Mom will be driving when you "go out", she must be ok with your lie. Take them both out. One Friday night and one Saturday night. Go to school on Monday and act like nothing happened and watch the fur fly.

Get your friends to bet on the Amber vs.. Tara fight. You might make enough money to pay for the dates. Maybe even the dentist bill.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Romeo,

You are way too young for this. Go to the the hardware store and buy a nice pair of safety glasses. You don't want to put your eye out.

Abby.

PS. I'm free on Friday.

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Twelve years old, and already lying to women. You damn men never go for the women who want you, only the ones who tease and tease. Poor Tara probably wears glasses and is in the chess club. Bet this Amber slut wears a training bra, huh? She's got you by your barely descended testicles, you stupid brat. Act like a normal pre-pubescent boy, you little bastage, and make friends with the Victoria's Secret catalog if you are that horny. If you know what horny means, go wash your brain out with soap.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

Jenny wins this one; and I just want to apologize to the girl back in the 5th grade that had a crush on me. She had braces and big feet, and I ran from her like she had SARS.

Dear Abby: I have a problem I don't know how to solve. When we have family over for get-togethers, my "Aunt Irene," whom we all love, disappears and goes into our bedrooms – we have three – going from one to the other looking through our drawers. Nothing has ever gone missing, so we can't imagine what she's looking for. The last time she stayed 45 minutes.

When I asked Aunt Irene's husband where she was, he got embarrassed. He tries to ignore it. I followed her once and asked what she was doing. She said, "Just looking."

My husband said I should close all the bedroom doors, but my oldest daughter had her door closed and Aunt Irene went in anyway.

How should we handle this? – Wondering

[DKW 86 7,431]

Wondering,

Booby trap your drawers with rubber snakes, alarms, and maybe even a mousetrap or two. Make a project out of it. Let the family have fun. The first time Irene has to go to the emergency room with a broken finger she will get the point. You are allowed your privacy. Pain and humiliation will stop this in its tracks.

Abby

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Wondering,

You need to pay Aunt Irene a visit in the near future. Bring along a battery-operated phallus, and when she isn't around, plant it in her underwear drawer. Later on in the day, make sure the whole family is in the room, and start rummaging through her drawers. Pull out the Rambone, and act surprised / disappointed. Watch the madness unfold.

Abby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Wondering,

Before Auntie Irene comes over again, you simply must replace all your underwear with AUNation thongs. Also, find as many "nudie" magazines as you can and replace the contents of your other family member's drawers. Then when she starts rummaging, get a Coke, sit back and watch the fun begin.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Wondering:

Get some costume blood for Halloween and pour it all over a white shirt. Have that in the drawer along with a butcher knife wrapped up next to a note that says curiousity killed the cat. Watch at the door for her to get to that drawer, when she does, say I hate it had to come to this and walk out of the room. Go into the backyard and start digging.

Abby

P.S. You may want to turn off the phone lines before attempting this one.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

We have a tie between David and Lukeduke. Excellent ideas, gents. I was thinking along the lines of having a bag of bank tellers dye rigged to blow in her face when she opened up the drawer.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. We're happy together, but if I bring up the subject of marriage, he reminds me he is from India and told me from the beginning that we couldn't marry. We have tried to separate, but couldn't even make it a month apart. We love each other more than we ever thought we could.

Do you think he is scared of commitment, or doesn't he want to marry me? I love him, but I'm tired of waiting. – Lovesick

[saniflush 0]

Dear Lovesick,

Seeing how your boyfriend is from India you would think he would be all about buying the cow. Apparently this is not the case when it comes to you. Time to face the facts....He's been hitting it for nothing and that will not change. If you love the smell of curry that much you had better move on to someone in Katmandu cause you will never get this guy to pay before he pumps.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Lovesick,

Have you ever considered what happens in the month you are separated. You haven't? Look up the word harem. Find yourself a nice Pakistani gentleman to really annoy him.

[Tigermike 3,040]

you will never get this guy to pay before he pumps.

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Find yourself a nice Pakistani gentleman to really annoy him.

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Dear Lovesick,

No he is not scared of commitment, he has a wife and children back in India who are waiting for him to finish school, move back to India and take a tech support job for a large US Corp.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Lovesick,

You pathetic excuse of a starter white woman. Have you ever thought what would happen if this moron decides to marry you and knock you up. Then as soon as you spit little Haji out, he runs back to India with him. Don't come crying about it, you were forewarned.

Do not be unequally yoked. Move on to someone who actually cares about you. That or get your tubes tied and save us all the future whining.

PS. Sorry for the rant, I just got charged double for my Slim Jim.

[DKW 86 7,431]

Dear Lovesick,

You pathetic excuse of a starter white woman. Have you ever thought what would happen if this moron decides to marry you and knock you up. Then as soon as you spit little Haji out, he runs back to India with him. Don't come crying about it, you were forewarned.

Do not be unequally yoked. Move on to someone who actually cares about you. That or get your tubes tied and save us all the future whining.

PS. Sorry for the rant, I just got charged double for my Slim Jim.

236478[/snapback]

...and cctau loves him some Slim-Jim....

[Tiger in Spain 0]

All you guys have missed your calling! Gotta go with saniflush on this one! The sacred cow and curry references put him over the top.

Dear Abby: My husband and I are child-free 30-somethings who own a home with a yard and no fence. Our house and yard are a sanctuary from our hectic professional lives.

Lately, the neighbor's cat has been using our yard as a place to recline, and it hisses at me angrily when I tell it to go home. I'm not fond of cats, and I'm actually afraid of this one. Also, another neighbor and his kids have been using our yard as a thoroughfare from the property behind us to their own yard, which has a fence.

I don't go into other people's yards. I respect the space of other people. I expect that respect in return, and don't want people tramping through our yard. We plan to plant more flower beds in the future, and they will be in the way of their path. Am I curmudgeonly to feel this way, or should other people respect our privacy and property? – Encroached Upon