What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[DKW 86 7,431]

Encroached Upon,

You have a problem with a cat? This is no problem! many opeople, myself included, would love to have a cat problem. You see a cat problem is really an opportunity to DEMONSTRATE your true feelings for cats. May I suggest a tail-ectomy? How about a nice round of "Chase the cat with the riding lawnmower." Follow it up with a round of "Run over the cat with the riding lawnmower." Get the picture? You must learn in life that 'problems' are really 'opportunities' in disguise. Hope this helps. BTW, make a game out of it with your spouse. See who can come up with the most painful, I mean imaginative, round of cat abuse.

Abby

[saniflush 0]

Dear Encroached Upon,

Need I remind you that you have opposable thumbs and are higher in the food chain? Since you wrote to me obviously I do. Let's take these issues one at a time.

The felix domesticus problem should only be one drop kick away from being solved. If this does not solve the problem to your liking, may I suggest subdueing the feline in what ever manner you can. Once this is done take a small brown lunch sack and put in it some dried peas. Take a heavy guage string and tie off one end to the closed paper sack. Take the other end and tie/attach to the base of kitties tail. Release feline with bag attached and watch while kitty runs around thinking it is being chased by the sack of rattleing peas. This will not only stop kitty from encroaching upon your areas but will provide some of the heartiest laughter you have ever had!

Humans as you know can be much more pesky to deal with. I assume that since you and your husband are such yard activists that you would have some sort of a sprinkler system. You need only turn this system on while the two leg pests are encroaching upon you property.

Abby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Encroached upon,

First, a little antifreeze will rid you of your cat problem. Secondly, since you have no children to worry about, get a Rotweiler and chain him to the corner of your neighbor's fence in the spot where they have made their "trail". After a week or two, you should have a free area in which to plant your garden. Just to make sure you have no repeat offenders, make sure you plant sticker bushes all around the outside of their gate.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Encroached upon,

Maybe it is time for you and your husband to get your first child, I'm sure your local humane society has a rabid doberman, pit bull, rottweiler or chihuaha available for adoption. Secondly, you need to go ahead and invest in the fence. If you don't want the privacy fence blocking your view, I would suggest barbed wire or chicken wire, with one end hooked up to a massive power source. This will provide you excellent sight through the fence and eventually will lead to the beautiful smell of frying cat and/or neighbor.

Abby

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Encroached,

Do what I did. When it's getting close to the time for one of your young relatives to have a birthday, abduct the cat and give him away as a pet. (This will work best if it's a neice or nephew, and they must live out of town.) Be sure to remove the cat's collar, and leave it in the neighbor's mailbox after the cat is gone for good. This way, your neighbors never get closure. Oh, the agony!

As far as the kids go, I suggest running an electric wire along the bottom of the fence that borders your yard. Make sure it is on your property line. Grab your cold beverage of choice and sit on the back patio. You may even want to break out the camcorder. You never know, you could become $10,000 richer!

Abby

[Tigermike 3,040]

Dear Encroached Upon,

BB guns are great cat movers. If you don't want to shoot the cat, capture it with a humane trap and then give it to the owner of a Chinese restaurant. Be sure to choose a restaurant that you don't frequent.

As for the people cutting thru your yard, if you and your professional husband are both so gutless that you can't look a neighbor in the eye and politely ask them to not cut thru, just shut up. Just shut up you whiney gutless professional child-free 30-something. I would tell you to get laid, but this world does not need any more like you and your ball less husband. I'm so sorry, I don't know where that came from. It was like my key board was hijacked. Have your lawn service spread a nice layer of chicken $hit over the back yard, the neighbors will not want to walk in it and you should feel right at home. Or you could get a couple of trained attack Brussels Griffon's and keep them chained in the back yard. Obviously you will need enough chain so the dog's can patrol from side to side.

Whatever you do, don't call the fireman from Fort Lauderdale for help with the cat. He will only screw it up again.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Loser # 123,482,

Good fences make good neighbors.

Good aim makes for pest free yards.

Or you could wait for the perfect shot to get the pests attention. Like this one:

[Tiger in Spain 0]

JJ, you are the man! Tigermike wins the round, just barely beating out CCTAU's TiS-like squirrel.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl in the sixth grade. At my school, the sixth-, seventh- and eighth-graders all have classes together.

Lately, I've noticed the eighth-graders seem to think they are better than us sixth-graders. They make a point of letting us know that they are bigger, cooler and more grown-up than we are.

I am fed up. They were sixth-graders once, too. How do I handle them? They are only two years older, but they seem to think they're practically adults and that we're only about 4. Please help. – Annoyed in Ashland, Ore

[DKW 86 7,431]

Dear Annoyed,

As you get older this sense of immaturity in others will be seen in those who THINK they have a bigger house, better job, better looking wife, CHOOSE TO CHEER FOR SOME OTHER TEAM. Get used to just ignoring it. Freud said that activity such as this is just a way to make up for the inadequacies they see in their own lives.

ABBY

[saniflush 0]

Dear Annoyed,

Why don't you try studying more instead af writing letters to a worthless advice columnist such as myself. I'm here for your loser parents. You still have atleast 10 years before you are a bonifide loser yourself.

Abby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Annoyed,

Sleep with one of those 8th graders. Then they will all think you are "cool" too. Check back with me in 10 years when you are fed up about all these guys trying to touch your breasts while you are on the pole.

Abby

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Annoyed,

Let's imagine, shall we, how a letter from an 8th grader would read...

Dear Abby,

There is a very obnoxious 6th grader at my school. She thinks she is as cool as us 8th graders, but in reality, she is a whiny spoiled brat who can't stand to be ignored and always tries to follow us around. She is annoying as hell. How do I tell her to kiss off?

Signed,

Cool 8th Grader

Those 8th graders ARE bigger, cooler and more grown up. Why in the world would they want to hang out with someone like you? When they were 6th graders, the 8th graders treated them like babies too. It's called reality - learn to deal with it.

Plus, you are having a hard time convincing me you are cool enough to hang with them - who's the person writing a letter to some stupid advice column? That's about as uncool as you can get...

Abby

[Tigermike 3,040]

Dear, Annoyed in Ashland, Ore

I am sending your letter to your mother with the instructions to show it to you the month before you finish the 8th grade. Write back then.

PS - Those uppity 8th graders will soon be Freshmen in high school and everyone will then treat them the way they are not treating you.

PS II - Several years ago I dated a woman from Portland, Oregon. Pleasant memories.

[saniflush 0]

PS II - Several years ago I dated a woman from Portland, Oregon.  Pleasant memories.

236918[/snapback]

This couldn't by any chance be your love child, could it?

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Annoyed,

If it bothers you that much, throw a sucker punch at the 8th grader. Of course, I can't be held responsible for the recourse in which you find that they are bigger, stronger and cooler than the 6th graders. If you're not willing to do that, go find a fourth grader to pick on.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Annoyed,

You are a victim of the new and improved educational movement here in the US. For years 6th grade was still considered elementary. Now it seems the powers that be have determined that you should matriculate with students who already have hair in places you call "gross." This really has nothing to do with the 8th graders. They are doing what they have always done, but previously only to 7th graders. Why our society feels we need to continue to grow our children at a more rapid pace, I cannot say. Ask your parents if you can attend a private Christian School or somewhere that teaches self-respect and gives a higher quality education at half the price of other schools. Other than this, you have no choice but to wear clothes made for a hooker and start smoking. As soon as you hit full puberty, you will fit right in with the "older, more mature" crowd. Good luck.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

I just finished the worst round of golf I have ever played. I couldn't have hit Rosie O'Donnell in the butt with a kickball the way I was playing. Anyone want to buy a set of Pings?

BTW, Jenny won the last round!

Dear Abby: My husband, "Marvin," thinks because we work together, we spend all day together, when in reality we may actually speak for a minute or two, three or four times a day. When we go home, Marvin gets on the computer, which is in an alcove upstairs removed from everyone else. He'll come down to eat dinner and then gets back on the computer for the next four or five hours.

On weekends, he spends from 10 to 14 hours a day on the computer. Then he goes to bed. If I ask him to spend time with me and/or our children, he tells me I am "picking on him."

This has been going on for the last 13 years or more. I can understand why a woman would start talking to another man. Marvin is not there for me mentally, and I'm all alone.

He is good to me as far as worldly goods are concerned, but I couldn't care less about that. – Alone and Lonely

[Tigermike 3,040]

Dear Alone and Lonely,

Only 10 to 14 hours a day on the computer??????

Just borrow his computer, go online and order yourself a few "toys" to keep yourself busy and satisfied!

[GalensGhost 0]

Dear Alone:

Home computers really didn't exist 13 years ago. Whatever your hubby is doing in the alcove probably has more to do with choking chickens and spanking monkeys than clicking mouses.

Go to the gym, shop at Victoria's Secret, put the kids to bed early and see if you can get his attention. If you can't, then he's probably gay.

Good luck with all that.

[japantiger 4,051]

Dear AnL,

Whaaa...wealthy suburban life is so hard isn't it....If I were a complaining, carping, whiner like you I'd kill myself. High caliber, low velocity please, you don't want the bullets to go thru your head and interrupt your husbands computer sessions.

Happy hunting....

[Captain Liger 0]

Dear Alone,

Lose the spare tire around your waist and put out.

Tootles.

[CCTAU 3,335]

Dear Alone,

Sounds phishy to me.

Abby

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Dear Alone,

Remove the cable hookup from the computer and tell him he has to strip search you to find it. If he heads to Radio Shack, call a lawyer.

Abby

[saniflush 0]

Just removing myself from this one. It's all been said!

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Alone,

Take a step back and really evaluate the situation. Are you always running out of lotion? More importantly, does the Kleenex box always seem to be empty? Do I really have to spell it out for you?

Try this: Tell him that you want to have a FFM with a hirsute lolita, and if he knows what you are talking about kick his ass to the curb.

Abby