SI Writer Stabs Barber?

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From the Auburner.com

SI Writer Stabs Barber?

by Mark

8-23-06

I’m getting tired of quotes like this found today on the Sports Illustrated website;

“I began to ponder this notion after a recent scandal at Auburn in which two department heads resigned in the wake of an investigation into 18 members of the 2004 football team receiving high grades in classes where little or no work, or even attendance, was required.”

The term “little or no work” is pretty misleading. NOTHING in this scandal points to ‘no work’ in the classes in question. The word ‘little’ is very objective. I took Public Speaking one semester, and compared to Communication Systems, Public Speaking required little work. Every article about the Auburn scandal used the phrase “little or no work” too. I’ve taken zero journalism classes at Auburn, but I think I’ve learned a neat journalism trick after reading all of these articles:

By carefully using the word “or”, you can make people think anything you want without actually lying. For example:

I know for a FACT that every time John Rolfe of Sports Illustrated gets a haircut, he steals the barber’s scissors and STABS THE BARBER before leaving the place or he pays for the haircut and leaves.

See? He actually pays for his haircut everytime and he probably leaves a nice tip, but what I just said is still the truth. Here's another....

Did you know that at LEAST once a week New York Times writer Pete Thamel either murders a prostitute or enjoys a nice breakfast? That’s right; he murders a prostitute EVERY WEEK (or eats breakfast).

What kind of horrible person randomly murders people like that? I mean, sure, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and heck, even I enjoyed a piece of toast and apple butter this morning, but I would NEVER murder a person - even if I didn’t agree with the person’s occupation. Shame on you Pete.

There you go Pete. I gave you more attention you’re looking for. After today’s NYT piece about Auburn’s scheduling of weaker teams like Buffalo in order to ‘humiliate’ them, it’s obvious that you enjoyed the Auburn hate mail you received since every major college football team does the same thing.

We caught the same beef in 2004 for playing The Citadel. Ok, New York Times, we admit it, we’re sorry for giving the military $600,000 for playing us. We know how much you guys hate the military. Is that what you’re after?

I’m always insulted when people insinuate that a strong football program hurts academics. It’s a lie. That’s not up to argument. The academics and athletic program at practically every university are separate things even though student athletes are a part of both. The Plainsman’s editor even thinks funds are taken from the art department and given to the athletics department, even though it’s a fact that the athletic department is self sufficient (well, he thinks that or he enjoys kicking puppies… one of the two is true).

Anyways... national media, I'm working hard for a degree. Please stop trying to falsely diminish what it's worth to make yourself look better.

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(well, he thinks that or he enjoys kicking puppies… one of the two is true).

The Mans got jokes!

[WarTim 3,456]

True AUBURN Genius at work!

[DKW 86 7,419]

[MDM4AU 332]

Did you know that at LEAST once a week New York Times writer Pete Thamel either murders a prostitute or enjoys a nice breakfast?

Wow! What a jackass! I know prostitution is a scummy job, but... to kill someone for it? That's just wrong.

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Did you know that at LEAST once a week New York Times writer Pete Thamel either murders a prostitute or enjoys a nice breakfast?

Wow! What a jackass! I know prostitution is a scummy job, but... to kill someone for it? That's just wrong.

Maybe he killed her because she laughed? Maybe his childhood nickname of Little Peter still stings in its irony? In reverse journalismese, Pete is just short for Peter, or Pete's peter is just short.