What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Newly,

See...those new boobs the ex-husband paid for come in handy, don't they. Accept the drink with a nod and move on.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 30 years. Over the last couple of years, she has been going to weddings, etc. by herself, vs. our going as a couple as before. Her excuse is that they are "her" friends, and only she was invited.

I think this is unusual, and it seems like they are occasions when couples should attend. Am I wrong in feeling this way? -- LEFT OUT IN CINCINNATI

[keoson7 28]

Dear Left out,

Can't you see the writing on the wall, she thinks you are no fun and doesn't need you holding her back. Or she has a boyfriend at these events and is using this time to spend some quality time getting something you aren't able to give her anymore. Get a scrip for Viagra and hope you get one that lasts 4 hours or more.

Abbs.

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Left out,

Be glad it only took you 30 years to get out of going!

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office that's made up of cubicles, so there is little privacy. After two years at this job, I have, for the most part, learned to block out background noise. However, my co-worker "Gina," who sits in the cubicle next to mine, talks to herself constantly.

This woman provides me with a running diatribe of every single task she does all day long: "Hit enter, file-save -- OK, done!" "Open new file," "Delete," etc. Her monologue goes on and on. It's extremely distracting and annoying. I have talked to my bosses more than once about it, and they've talked to Gina, but still she continues.

I feel like I'm slowly going insane. And now that I'm pregnant, my nerves are even more on edge. Her constant verbalizing has become too much to bear. What's the answer, Abby? -- GOING NUTS AT WORK IN REDDING, CALIF

[keoson7 28]

Dear going nuts.

Use Duck tape over her mouth, and she will get the message, It works on kids.

Abbs.

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Nuts,

It's the holiday season. Buy her a mug that says shut the hell up on it. Every time she starts, yell over the cube, "YOU NEED A REFILL."

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I have lived on the West Coast for more than 20 years. I go home to the East Coast every summer for four to five weeks. Friends and family insist on always treating when we go out to eat. When I protest, they say, "But we're so delighted that you spend your vacation visiting us," or, "But you spend all that money flying here to visit us."

Some of these people have visited me on the West Coast, and I've thought, "Now it's my turn." However, this time when I offered, the response was, "But you're saving us so much money by providing us a place to stay, use of a car and meals at home."

After all these years, I feel that the scales are very unbalanced. I try to be gracious and appreciative and always send thank-you notes. Can you suggest another strategy, Abby? -- EAST-WEST TRAVELER

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Flip-flop,

Get married. Solved all of my "Who pays" issues.

Mr. Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 and have been dating "Julie," a 38-year-old woman, for nearly a year. Drinking is a pleasure we both enjoy, but sometimes Julie goes overboard.

A few weeks ago, we got thrown out of a rock concert because she forced her way to the front of the stage in a wild, drunken state. The tickets cost me $300, and I'm angry we were asked to leave because of her lack of consideration. What should I do?

Angry in L.A.

[keoson7 28]

Dear Angry,

Do 2 things, grow up and seek help(RE HAB)

Abbs

[JohnDeere 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 and have been dating "Julie," a 38-year-old woman, for nearly a year. Drinking is a pleasure the only thing we both enjoy, but sometimes Julie goes overboard.

A few weeks ago, we got thrown out of a rock concert a Bama football game because she forced her way to the front of the stage Walk of Champions in a wild, drunken state and pinched Coach Shula's butt . The tickets cost me $300, and I'm angry we were asked to leave because of her lack of consideration. What should I do?

Angry in L.A. (Lower Alabama)

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two boys, 12 and 13. They have had computer training at school for years, but my husband and I are computer illiterate.

We gave the boys a computer for their birthday, and now they are locked in their bedroom for hours. People tell me they can't be watching pornography without a credit card, but I am having trouble believing that.

We have no public space in our home we can move the computer into. What, if anything, should we do? -- WORRIED MOM IN PITTSBURGH

[keoson7 28]

Dear Dummy,

Buy a copy of Computer use for dummies. Or have an open door computer use policy. Spend time with your kids instead of listening to them whack it, in their room.

Abbs.

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Worried,

No, that thumping sound you hear from your kid's room is not the sound of keystrokes. I would tell you to check their cookies, but all you would find are chocolate chips. By the way, I hope you can afford glasses for both sons.

Abstinence

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for two years. We both have daughters the same age, born the same year. They will be 17 next March.

My husband works all day and I stay home and take care of the kids. (I also have two other girls, both under 10.) My problem is the 16-year-olds sneak around and do things behind my back when they are told they cannot do them.

One big issue is that although my ex has custody of my daughter, she stays with me because she cannot be trusted alone at his house. My husband and I bought the older girls cell phones to keep tabs on them when they are not at home. But the cell phones have caused so much arguing in the house that it's unreal.

Both girls have been told they cannot talk after midnight, but every time I get the bill, there are calls after midnight. I'm talking about 1 a.m., 2 a.m. -- even 4 a.m. They say I am wrong not to let them talk after 12 because they are adults, I am a mean mother, and I just want to prevent them from having a life. Now my daughter is saying that as soon as she's 17, she is moving out because she cannot stand it here. What should I do? -- STRESSED MOTHER IN MICHIGAN

[JohnDeere 0]

Dear Mom in Michagan

For you daughter who has decided to move out when she turns 17, the morning of her 17th birthdaytommorrow morning; put her underwear and toothbrush in a plastic shopping bag, tie-it up and throw it out in the street. Don't say a word to her. She should catch that hint.

The other kids will get in line soon after seeing this. This will also prevent her from infecting your pre-teenage kids.

Abbys

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Mom in Michigan,

Cancel all phone plans. Immediately give any child the opportunity to pack one small bag with necessities and LEAVE. Lock the door behind them.

Abbys

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my in-laws. My brother-in-law will never invite his parents for Christmas, so my husband always insists we have a combined family Christmas with my parents so his parents are not left alone The problem is my in-laws have bad-mouthed my parents in the past, and they treat my parents as if they are "less than." They also don't treat me all that great.

I get into fights every year with my husband about this. This year I tried to compromise, saying I'd have the in-laws over for Christmas Eve, but my husband will not bend. He wants both families here, which means I will be uncomfortable all day. It is my Christmas, too. I know it's only one day, but why should I have to compromise and be unhappy for the rest of my life? Please help. -- DREADING CHRISTMAS IN HOWELL, MICH

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Dreading,

You got the goods. Lock them up for a few weeks and let him know that you mean business. He will get the picture. Its not like ALL women do not use this tactic in dire situations.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am a well-educated, confident, attractive woman in my mid-30s. My job is in business development. My question is, Do I need to be a social drinker in order to be successful? A male friend of mine often harps on how I make the other drinkers uncomfortable, and how people stay out late, drinking and discussing business deals until 3 or 4 in the morning. He says I must learn to have a drink or two -- otherwise I won't be successful in getting any deals.

I never criticize others who drink, and I quietly order fruit juice when others are drinking. No one beside this friend even notices it. But he often says loudly to the server that they should find some juice for me since I don't drink. I have tried to learn to drink, but frankly, I don't enjoy it.

Also, I have seen my friend and some of the other men indulge in somewhat loose behavior as they keep having more drinks. I think I'd be wise to refrain from drinking. My friend says because I am originally from another country, that I am "different." His remarks are wearing me down, as he recently has started accusing me of not being good company.

Please tell me your thoughts on this. He is my best friend, but also has a temper. -- DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE IN MANHATTAN

[keoson7 28]

Dear needing advice,

Your friend wants you to get drunk so he can make a play to get in your panties. Don't fall for this city slickers tactics, or you'll be a victim of pump and dump.

Abbs

[CCTAU 3,349]

[ear needing advice,

Tell your friend that no deal made under the influence of alcohol can be deemed a legal deal. Also that in your country it's rude to be a loud-mouthed drunk. Probably in this country also.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: There is an annoying woman in my office who insists on telling people to "smile." It's ridiculous -- as if she expects people to go around with permanent grins on their faces for no reason. What is a good response to people who order you to "Smile!" out of the blue? -- NOT FROWNING IN ONTARIO

[keoson7 28]

Dear Not Frowning,

Tell her to go" ______" herself, After that you might even smile.

Abbs