What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Struggling,

Just make sure that you get your daughter out of the house on November 18. Otherwise, I suspect that she will meet with some sort of "accident".

Abbs

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Struggling,

Ever heard the term "hung like a horse?" Well your little girl is a ho. An educated ho, but a ho nonetheless. Pretty soon she will be creating little b*****ds that you will have to care for while she is out chasing an even bigger horse. This guy will leave her, but the craving will not. Get used to feeding little mouths once again. Did I mention your daughter is a HO? Good luck with that.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are child-free 30-somethings who own a home with a yard and no fence. Our house and yard are a sanctuary from our hectic professional lives.

Lately, the neighbor's cat has been using our yard as a place to recline, and it hisses at me angrily when I tell it to go home. I'm not fond of cats, and I'm actually afraid of this one. Also, another neighbor and his kids have been using our yard as a thoroughfare from the property behind us to their own yard, which has a fence.

I don't go into other people's yards. I respect the space of other people. I expect that respect in return, and don't want people tramping through our yard. We plan to plant more flower beds in the future, and they will be in the way of their path. Am I curmudgeonly to feel this way, or should other people respect our privacy and property? -- ENCROACHED UPON IN FLORIDA

[keoson7 28]

Dear Enc roach,

Shoot the cat with a low powered bb gun. Put up a fence to keep out the neighbors. Quit whining, and get a life.

Abbs

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear encroached,

Hello...we are in the 21st Century. Noboby respects anyones property, including their own. Planting a flower garden in the thoroughfare will only make you more angry as you watch these kids trample your flowers. If you do not want these people or cats coming into your yard, you need to put a fence up and get a Rotweiler. By the way, watching a Rotty chew on a cat can be very calming.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I have lived, so far, through eight years of hell with my husband. The one year of heaven was the year before we were married. I won't go into the hell I have been put through, I just want your definition of a real man. If you put this in the paper, please don't reveal my name. - - NEEDS TO KNOW IN SACRAMENTO

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear NTK,

NOT YOURS.

Abby

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Needs to Know,

A real man is what that cylindrical object in your top drawer substitutes for.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I have a nice family, except for one thing. Every once in a while, my grandmother, "Nanie," on my father's side, wants me to spend one or two nights at her house. The problem is, our personalities clash. I like sports, playing in the school band, etc. She wants me to learn how to sew, cook, grow vegetables and play canasta. She fusses over me and bothers me no end.

I recently wiggled out of one of those overnights, and my father and Nanie smelled a rat. If I tell my father how I feel, he will get angry. (My mother is playing neutral.)

I really do love Nanie a lot. She's old and sensitive, and I don't want to hurt her feelings -- or my Dad's -- or create a family rift. Abby, can you think of a way to tell Nanie to stop treating me like a 9-year-old? -- GETTING MATURE IN TEXAS

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Getting Mature,

Stop acting like a 9 year old. Your nanie won't be around forever, one day you'll wish you would have spent the time.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Getting Mature,

There is nothing wrong with knowing how to do all of those things in addition to sports and other activities. The things she is trying to teach you should be taught to EVERY child, male or female. The most pathetic thing in the world is a teenager that cannot wipe their own a$$. Learn all you can now. It just might give you the confidence needed to keep you from staying in an abusive relationship later.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice about a touchy subject. I am reuniting with my high school sweetheart, "Arthur." We dated 50 years ago. Arthur lost his wife of 44 years a little over a year ago, and started a long-distance relationship with me on the phone and writing letters. He lives in Ohio; I had moved to Florida.

Arthur has asked me to marry him and move into his lovely home, but he has his wife's sister living there. I don't think I could be myself under the same roof as his deceased wife's sister.

Arthur says he hopes I can change my mind, because she has nowhere to go. I have a feeling the family would resent me if I insist she find another place to live. He says if he has to, he will ask her to leave, but that makes me feel guilty. I am 67, Arthur is 70, and the sister-in-law is in her 70s. She works full time and gets Social Security. What do you think? -- IRIS IN FT. MYERS, FLA.

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Iris,

One old folks home is as good as another. At least this one is free. Brush up on your canasta and board games and you could become the sister's best friend. Unless she is currently "involved" with him, you should be OK. If she is, well film it. People pay big bucks for that on the net these days.

Abby

[AU! 0]

Dear Iris,

Kill the geezer.

Yours truly,

AU

[lukeduke 8]

Dear Iris,

Just wait for him, all old people end up in Florida anyway.

Abby

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Iris,

You should help him look for a new place for his sister. I hear that Phase IV is now open at Del Boca Vista.

Abby

[johnwegl 11]

Dear Iris,

Go for the gusto! Work till you need a hip replacement.....which shouldn't take long at all.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 14-year-old boy, "Todd," whom I have taught to be honest and open with me. Todd and I are best friends, which is rare to hear these days. He is very smart, active with anything to do with the outdoors, and he also does very well in school.

My problem is, Todd is so open with how he feels that he comes across as being rude, argumentative and disrespectful. He tells me that he's not trying to be, that he's just voicing his opinion and how he feels -- and that should not be wrong. In some ways, my son is right. But trying to teach him that there's a time and place for his opinions has proven extremely difficult.

I am proud to have a son I don't have to worry about in the sense of lying, stealing, running around getting into all kinds of trouble. At 14, you'd expect some kind of misbehavior. But when he does get into trouble, it's because of what he says -- not what he does.

How can I undo what I have done, and teach Todd that everything he thinks and feels should not fly out of his mouth the minute he has those thoughts and feelings? I'm scared he'll get into serious trouble if I can't teach him there's a time and place to voice his opinions. How can I make him understand the difference between what really needs to be expressed and what does not so it doesn't hinder his future? I mean, sharing your true feelings with your boss could get you fired, and telling your teachers they don't know what they're talking about can cause detentions that go on your record.

How can I tell my son to be quiet when all his life I have told him to just talk to me? -- FEELING LOST AND GUILTY IN THE USA

[johnwegl 11]

Dear Feeling...

get a belt out and whip his a$$!

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Feeling,

You can't tell your son anything about his behavior. He's your best friend, not your son???? Where is little Johnny's daddy? His daddy (you know, the guy whose sperm gave YOU YOUR best friend) should be there to backhand him whenever he FORGETS to show respect. I would just like to take this moment and thank you for giving us (society) another little know it all jerk to deal with. But don't forget to tell him that the OTHER humans with a PENIS out here will smack his smart-ass down in a heartbeat. You women never cease to amaze me. Your son, your best friend! You lost me at hello.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am a regular churchgoer. My pastor said there is no sex in heaven, but my gut feeling is that there is. Is there sex in heaven? -- SEXY IN SIOUX FALLS, S.D.

[JohnDeere 0]

Dear Sexy

Have you ever considered the Muslim faith?

Hadj Shak Abbimou

[johnwegl 11]

Dear Sexy:

Dress up like a alter boy and he will change his tune.

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Sexy,

We will not be in the flesh in heaven. Only those that are with Christ for the thousand year reign will be in the flesh. And I assume there will be sex due to the fact that the bible says there will be a need for another judgement for all those born during that time. So if you are so horny that the thought of no sex in heaven gives you the eebie-geebies, then you need to find a sex-aholics anonymous meeting and begin attending TODAY. Hands above the waist please.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am a newly single young woman just coming out of a marriage. I was recently dining alone in a local restaurant when I was sent a drink from a patron at the bar. This had never happened to me before.

Although I was flattered, I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. I wasn't interested in the gentleman sending the drink, and thus felt bad about accepting his kind gesture. What is the proper thing to do and say in this situation? -- NEWLY SINGLE IN THE SOUTH