What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

[keoson7 28]

Dear Doghouse,

Tell her that her dog will not be offended , and if she is, she is an idiot. If she brings the dog over kick the he!! out of it ,and tell fido, unwrap that!

Abbs

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Steve's," daughter by his first marriage has a mentor at work who keeps trying to "borrow" him as her escort to the company Christmas party. Steve and I have been married nine years, and this is the third time she has tried to pull this stunt.

I don't believe my husband is interested in her, but everyone at the company knows he is married, and for her to show up with him as her escort is highly insulting to me.

Steve agreed on the phone to go with her this afternoon and told me about it when I got home from work. I told him how I felt, and he immediately said he wouldn't go -- he hadn't realized it would bother me. I told him he now "has to" go or she will think I am threatened by her.

My stepdaughter evidently doesn't see a problem with it, as she's the one who called to facilitate the woman asking my husband. (I wonder how she'd have felt if her mother were still married to her dad?)

Yes, my husband is a fun, entertaining person. Are my pantyhose in a knot over nothing? -- OFFENDED, NOT THREATENED

[CCTAU 3,347]

DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

Dear in the dawghoose,

Take your SIL's gift back. Get her nothing. Get her dogs nothing. Do not feed her. Do not feed her dogs. Ignore her. Use the money that you would have spent on her gift to take the family out. Take a picture of that and give it to her with a big thank you. People who treat animals as people have lost sight of reality.

abby

[CCTAU 3,347]

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Steve's," daughter by his first marriage has a mentor at work who keeps trying to "borrow" him as her escort to the company Christmas party. Steve and I have been married nine years, and this is the third time she has tried to pull this stunt.

I don't believe my husband is interested in her, but everyone at the company knows he is married, and for her to show up with him as her escort is highly insulting to me.

Steve agreed on the phone to go with her this afternoon and told me about it when I got home from work. I told him how I felt, and he immediately said he wouldn't go -- he hadn't realized it would bother me. I told him he now "has to" go or she will think I am threatened by her.

My stepdaughter evidently doesn't see a problem with it, as she's the one who called to facilitate the woman asking my husband. (I wonder how she'd have felt if her mother were still married to her dad?)

Yes, my husband is a fun, entertaining person. Are my pantyhose in a knot over nothing? -- OFFENDED, NOT THREATENED

Dear Offended,

First of all, write a letter that's easier to understand. The first few sentences, I had no idea what in the hell you were talking about. It seems that some chick wants to borrow your husband to party. If you send him, give him a few condoms. A woman who "loans" out her husband eventually will not get him back.

For some, that is a blessing. Figure out which one you are.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I would like your opinion about something. I am a single dad with two kids. I work 60 hours a week to support them. I'm involved with the Boy Scouts, the Girl Scouts, soccer, their school, etc. I am often on the go to the point that the vacuuming, mopping and dusting are postponed. Personally, I feel that being involved with the kids is more important.

I have a lady friend I have been seeing for a few years, and our relationship is at a standstill. She is a very neat and tidy person, and the moderate clutter in my house is a bone of contention. She feels I should cut back on some of the activities, perhaps just drop off the kids and leave so I would have time to clean the house to her standards. That would mean the Girl Scout troop would fold, and many of the activities of the Boy Scout troop would be curtailed, but her feeling is that the housework comes first. I feel that being involved with the kids comes first. What do you think? -- SLIGHTLY CLUTTERED, WASHINGTON STATE

[keoson7 28]

Dear cluttered,

Tell your lady friend to clean up, or shut up. You'll have plenty time to clean house when the kids are grown up. It's nice of you to take so much time with your kids,Slob.

Abbs

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a 2-month-old baby. We agreed that I'd stay home for a few months and "take care of the house." Unfortunately, with breastfeeding and the baby's sleep schedule being irregular, I never get enough rest and I constantly feel fatigued.

I know this is a common occurrence with new moms, but my boyfriend feels he should come home every day to a clean house, with dinner on the table and me ready for sex. I want to do all of these things, but the household chores are harder than I thought, and the sex -- I really have little desire for it yet.

When I try talking to him about it and explaining how I feel, he dismisses me and says that I'm the only woman in the world who can't do the "simple task" of keeping house, etc.

He insults me, calls me lazy and makes me feel awful. If I cry, he tells me to "stop feeling sorry for myself" and acting like a little girl. It's starting to make me not even want to try anymore. But I know that will only make it worse. What can I do? -- HURT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIF.

[CCTAU 3,347]

DEAR ABBY: I would like your opinion about something. I am a single dad with two kids. I work 60 hours a week to support them. I'm involved with the Boy Scouts, the Girl Scouts, soccer, their school, etc. I am often on the go to the point that the vacuuming, mopping and dusting are postponed. Personally, I feel that being involved with the kids is more important.

I have a lady friend I have been seeing for a few years, and our relationship is at a standstill. She is a very neat and tidy person, and the moderate clutter in my house is a bone of contention. She feels I should cut back on some of the activities, perhaps just drop off the kids and leave so I would have time to clean the house to her standards. That would mean the Girl Scout troop would fold, and many of the activities of the Boy Scout troop would be curtailed, but her feeling is that the housework comes first. I feel that being involved with the kids comes first. What do you think? -- SLIGHTLY CLUTTERED, WASHINGTON STATE

Dear Cluttered,

As a leader of young men and women, it is your duty to teach them to be clean and tidy.Children learn by example. Your example to them should be that you involve them in the cleaning process. Every child will not grow up to afford a maid.

Abby

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a 2-month-old baby. We agreed that I'd stay home for a few months and "take care of the house." Unfortunately, with breastfeeding and the baby's sleep schedule being irregular, I never get enough rest and I constantly feel fatigued.

I know this is a common occurrence with new moms, but my boyfriend feels he should come home every day to a clean house, with dinner on the table and me ready for sex. I want to do all of these things, but the household chores are harder than I thought, and the sex -- I really have little desire for it yet.

When I try talking to him about it and explaining how I feel, he dismisses me and says that I'm the only woman in the world who can't do the "simple task" of keeping house, etc.

He insults me, calls me lazy and makes me feel awful. If I cry, he tells me to "stop feeling sorry for myself" and acting like a little girl. It's starting to make me not even want to try anymore. But I know that will only make it worse. What can I do? -- HURT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIF.

Dear Hurt,

Cow. Milk. Free. Consequences.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My teenage daughters went to a birthday party for a friend. It was a slumber party, and on the spur of the moment, one of the girls suggested they play "strip poker." Abby, the host girl's mother not only allowed it, but actually joined the game! The mother is a single parent, and only females were present in the home.

The girls found the game great fun and plan on doing it in the future at slumber parties. I told them that I do not feel this was appropriate, but they reminded me that I have always told them there was no reason to be shy about their bodies with other girls, so I was stumped to explain why I disapprove. I am still not comfortable with the idea of such an activity. Please tell me what you think. -- APPALLED IN CARMICHAEL, CALIF.

[CCTAU 3,347]

Dear Appalled,

Please explain that strip poker is designed to be played in mixed company with a camera rolling and that you do not approve of their practicing for this future career.

abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I'm a busy, 72-year-old substitute teacher in the elementary grades, and I do my best to make a difference with the limited time I have to spend with each of the many groups of students I teach in various classrooms.

I realize that I look older than other teachers and, every once in a while, a student will ask me my age. It may be an inappropriate question, but these are youngsters who may not have learned about such sensitivities. Ignoring the question doesn't make it go away and undoubtedly would puzzle the student who asked it.

Is honesty the best policy in such cases? I'm open to suggestions as to how to best handle this situation in the future. -- AN ARIZONA SENIOR

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Senior,

Your reply to the little punks should be "old enough to know you should not be asking that question." If they ask again then tell them you are 30. They probably wouldn't know the difference anyway.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,347]

Dear Senior,

Your reply should be humorous. "Dude, I'm so old that when God said let ther be light, I flipped the switch...... DIRT... looks up to me for advice."

You know, you may consider yourself "busy." But others may recognize you as just plain SLOW. Just enjoy the small fact that anyone even cares.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am 8 years old, and I have a question that has bothered me for months. Is Santa Claus a real person, and if not, why does everyone say he is? And if Santa Claus ISN'T real, where do all the letters go? -- CONFUSED IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

[keoson7 28]

Dear confused,

Of course he's real, Me and my kids do wonder why he always skips our house though?

Abbs

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I met someone almost a year ago. "Donald" and I dated for several months, but it ended badly. A few months ago, we started communicating again -- and I thought everything was going well. Then, all of a sudden out of the blue, he stopped calling. We were intimate each time I saw him. Now I am pregnant.

Abby, I'm 44 and have never had a child. Donald is 50 and has never been married or fathered a child either. I have left him several messages since I learned I was pregnant and have asked why he hasn't returned my calls. He has not contacted me.

I feel absolutely abandoned, hurt and betrayed. Donald is a wealthy playboy, and sometimes extremely selfish. I want this child, but need some sort of acknowledgement from him. What should I do? -- SHOCKED, DISTRAUGHT AND PREGNANT IN OHIO

[keoson7 28]

Dear Dumb and pregnant,

Should have used protection, but since you didn't take playboy to court ,with DNA he will be forced to pay child support, Good Luck raising this piece of craps kid,by yourself..

Abbs

[JohnDeere 0]

Dear Shocked Buckeye in Ohio

Since you and "Don" were intimate, I would assume you know were he lives. Go beat on his door. If he won't answer the door. Wait till you are about 5 months pregnant then pitch a tent in his yard and camp out in his driveway. If he calls the police on you for trespassing don't worry, the police won't touch a pregnant women and the law is on your side anyway.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,347]

Dear Shocked,

Get a girlfriend and sue the guy for all you can get. Seems to be a new trend these days. Who needs a man to raise a child anyway......

Abby

P.S. It's not called being "intimate". Its calle getting hammered like chop meat.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: Am I a "sicko" because I step out of the shower naked in front of our dog? My wife thinks so. The trouble started when we got a female dog, "Taffy," from the local animal shelter. Taffy sleeps in our bedroom and is there in the morning when I take my shower.

My wife insists that I cover up in front of the dog and that Taffy is no different from a child. This has created a lot of stress between us because, to me, a dog is a dog. Is it wrong to be naked in front of a dog? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE, TEMECULA, CALIF.

[CCTAU 3,347]

Dear In the DH,

RUN. Get away as fast as you can. You will only have heartache if you ever get this woman pregnant. Your life as a father will be made a living hell by this whacko. Divorce her and get a way NOW.

Abby

PS. Take the sewing machine just to pisss her off.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: Could you settle an argument between me and my husband? We've been married only four months.

I get out of the shower and dry off, or walk into the bedroom to dry off. He says I should dry off in the shower. Who is correct? -- ANN FROM FLORIDA

[WarTim 3,457]

After FOUR months of marraige, He should want her drying off anywhere.................

[abrnfanatc 6]

Dear Ann,

It really doesn't matter as long as you don't expose yourself in front of the family pets.

Abbs