What would you say if you were an advice columnist

[AU! 0]

DEAR ABBY: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand.

Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Abby, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid.

I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? -- FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

Visit your husband at his office when he is babysitting and announce that you are pregnant. Watch your husband run for the border!

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Furious,

I think I see what is going on here. Your husband obviously has another woman that he wants to bring into the fold, but it also appears that he cares about you, since you are still around and all. Let me throw this out there: Have you ever considered girl-on-girl action? Ask your husband for a chance to meet this girl. Send the kid on a overnight trip to Grandma's. Cook dinner and tell him to invite her over. Reassure him that you aren't mad, you just want to open your mind a little and explore your options. Get a few bottles of wine (not Boones Farm, either,) and let nature run its course.

Then, after he has passed out drunk, cut off his penis. You and mistress go off and travel together for a month. Take pictures with his penis in different areas of the world and mail it to him. Move to Europe with your new girlfriend and start a new life together.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,349]

SEE. That's more like it. That was beautiful, man.

SICK'EM!

DEAR ABBY: My life is a wreck. I have two kids, and I'm only 20. We live with our friends because my fiance's father kicked us out for telling him to get a job and help pay the bills. There are 11 people living in this three-bedroom trailer. God bless them for taking us in. My fiance lost his job the same week. I am so depressed, all I do is cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I need help. Do you have any advice? -- DISTRAUGHT IN OHIO

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Distraught,

Are you sure you are in Ohio? I would have bet my life that you lived in Tuscaloosa. Anyway, let's get to your problem.

First, let's lay off of the meth. Second, sit down and think about what is causing you the most problems right now. I already know the answer: the kids. If you didn't have the kids, you and your fiance could up and move anywhere you wanted and start over with a clean slate.

What I'm about to lay on you may not set well at first, but at least think about it. There is a huge black market for kids right now, and you could potentially sell them for a minimum of $50k each, and start an entirely new life for yourselves. Now I know what you are thinking. "Abby, I have grown so attached to them. I don't know how I could live with myself if I sold my kids on the black market!" Well, let me ask you a question, Distraught. Are your kids worth more than $100k to you? I didn't think so. Let's face it, you can always have more kids, but you will never have a better chance at a new start in life. Just something to think about.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear distraught,

First you need to get married, THEN have kids.2nd, Before having kids a place to live is pretty important. 3rd Choose a mate that will work and provide for you and your kids. otherwise you'll end up in a TRAILER WITH 12 people living in it. Stop using drugs, get some mental health counseling. Good luck

Abbs.

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Distraught,

Life really stinks when you choose to lay around with your ankles pinned behind your ears because you L...O...V...E dear old deadbeat. Time to get on welfare and move to the projects. Or give your kids to somebody who can afford them. Also, you and your deadbeat humper pumper both need to be nuetralized. You had your shot, you screwed it up.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,349]

DEAR ABBY: I was married recently, but I am extremely embarrassed about the wedding. My husband and I are recently out of college and have no money. The wedding was done on a shoestring, and it looked it. It was certainly not the fantasy I had envisioned. We are now trying to buy a house and, coincidentally, using the same mortgage company my parents have used for years. During a chat with our loan officer, she let it slip that "the wedding must have been gorgeous" because my parents took out a huge loan to pay for it. Well, they didn't pay for anything but the food. It was barbecue and not expensive. I am very hurt that my parents used me as an excuse to get a large loan and didn't even offer to help. I never expected anything from them. I worked my way through college. Now that I'm aware of their lie, I want to talk to them about it. Should I? -- UPSET IN IDAHO

[AU! 0]

Dear Upset,

Your parents obviously have an obsessive meth addiction. In the case that they're clever enough to hide their actions from even you, plant some amphetamines and large quantities of sudafed around the house and report their actions to the police. Its a very hard habit to break but with the help of the correctional facilities in your city, they'll be back to normal in 5-10 years.

[keoson7 28]

Dear Upset,

Ouit complaining, you remind of the typical spoiled brat. At least your parents aren't making you pay off the BBQ.

Good luck in the real world.

Abbd.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ted," and I recently met an attractive girl I'll call "Bridget." Ted was married and suggested I date Bridget. Within a few days, before I got up the nerve to ask her on a date, Ted broke up with his wife, moved in with me and started seeing Bridget.

This was awkward, but in addition, Bridget started making sexual advances toward me. Unfortunately, I didn't have the wisdom to keep away from her. Although we didn't have sex, I was closer to her than I should have been to my best friend's girl. Ted knows about it, and now ensures that Bridget and I are never alone together. He constantly worries about the situation, and it is interfering with his job.

I believe he wants to break up with her, but he's afraid I will date her. I agreed with his suggestion that we both stop talking to her, but they are still dating. She continues to flirt with me every time he leaves the room, and I am defenseless against a pretty woman. Bridget says she likes me, but she loves Ted. She clearly has some attachment issues. I would love to talk to her about them and help her.

I think Ted and I both have strong feelings for her. What should we do? Neither of us can resist when she cries or wants something. -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

[SupperClub 0]

Dear Stuck,

Let me refer you to Man Law 114b: Bro/s before Ho's. That is all.

Abby

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Stuck,

Two guys, a girl, and a camera. Makes sense to me. If he can't share her, then screw him. Tell him to get his ass out. You saw her first and he did not bother to give you first dibs. So now get it while it's hot. If he don't understand, then explain it to him. And let her attach herself to only one part of your anatomy. Then send her on her cheating a$$ way.

Abby

[keoson7 28]

Dear Stuck,

Two words come to mind, double and team. She is into it, if you can't tell.

Abbs.

[CCTAU 3,349]

DEAR ABBY: Every year, my husband and brothers-in-law go deer hunting. They always meet at my house for the big hunt. Each year they get sloppier and messier. They leave bloody footprints and pieces of deer carcass through the house and their dirty, smelly clothes in a big pile in the kitchen. They also never wash a dish, plate or utensil they use. Not only do they kill these creatures and drag them back to my house to clean and cut up, but they also do their "processing" in my small kitchen. Abby, I don't even eat meat! Despite repeated requests that my husband not do this, he continues to turn a deaf ear, claiming that he gets paid to do it by everyone because they don't like going to a meat processor and not getting their stuff for a month or more. Now I know why the black widow eats her mate. Any advice? -- TAMMY IN TUSCALOOSA, AL.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a man I love deeply. I met "Eric" when I was 14 and he was 42. When I turned 18, we got together. I have never been happier, except for one thing. He has had other sexual relationships in the past, while I haven't.

Once we became engaged, he offered to let me go out and have a one-night stand. He said he suggested it because he loves me, and he wants me to have a shot at the experience I am missing out on.

Abby, I love Eric and only want to be with him! His suggesting it has made me wonder if he's looking for a way out by getting me to find someone new. Any suggestions on how to handle this? -- INEXPERIENCED AND LOVING IT IN SEATTLE

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear Daughter,

Please plan to attend classes at the local Y in order to learn how to change adult diapers. This will come in handy before you reach the age of thirty. And as far as the sex goes, why should he care if you go out and get banged. It's still more fresh than anything he has seen in 20 years.

Abby

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Rose" has a 3-year-old great-granddaughter I'll call "Andrea." I am concerned because the child does not play nicely with her dolls. She chokes them, bashes their heads against the wall and "drowns" them in the bathtub.

Rose and her daughter think it is funny. I think Andrea needs help.

The little girl doesn't get hit or abused herself, but she has an on-again, off-again father who has beaten up her mother on more than one occasion. And there has been a new baby in the house since November. Should I suggest counseling? -- WORRIED IN ST. LOUIS

[keoson7 28]

Dear Worried,

Don't let the 3 year old bathe the new baby.

Abbs.

[AU! 0]

Dear worried,

Get a puppy.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. My lover and I have been disagreeing lately and are considering couples counseling. However, he keeps insisting that we see the marriage counselor he and his wife are currently seeing.

I want to make this relationship work, but I think it's inappropriate to receive counseling from the same one that they are currently seeing. What do you think? -- NEEDS THERAPY IN TEXAS

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: A couple of nights ago, my husband, "Irving," and I went out to dinner with "Ray," a friend of his who was visiting from out of town. This morning, I stumbled upon an instant message Irving had left open on his computer between himself and Ray. I couldn't help but see the first sentence my hubby had written. He was commenting on the number of "hot, hot" women at the restaurant.

I know I shouldn't have, but I went on to read the message. I couldn't stop myself. It described one woman in particular whom he found attractive, a tall blonde two tables over, directly in his line of sight.

Abby, I was floored -- shocked! Irving has always told me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, but after reading his comments, I feel I've been lied to all along. I have no doubt that Irving has always been loving and faithful. But I'm upset and angry over this and wonder if I should say something or let it slide. Am I overreacting? Was this just man-talk and men being harmless? -- MAD ANYHOW IN CALIFORNIA

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old boy, and my mother still insists on coming in with me when I go to the doctor for a physical exam. I think I am old enough to go in by myself, as I find it embarrassing to have her there when he's examining me.

She says since she's my mother there is nothing she hasn't seen before, but if I'm that paranoid she'll promise to look the other way during the part of the exam when I have to pull down my shorts. Even if she does, I will still be uncomfortable with her standing right there at a time like that.

She says she needs to be there to hear what the doctor has to say and ask him questions. I don't see why she can't just talk to him for a minute right afterward. If there is anything wrong, I'm sure he would let her know anyway.

If it's necessary for one of my parents to be right there, I'd much rather it be my father, but he says it's too hard to get off work during the day. Please tell me what you think. -- C.J. IN WILMINGTON, DEL.

[keoson7 28]

Dear worried,

You know she is just wanting to see if you have outgrown daddy yet. when she tries to slip into the shower with you, that would be the time to get scared,

Abbs.

[CCTAU 3,349]

Dear worried,

Next time she insists on coming in with you and you have to drop trow, turn toward her and shake it while saying, "Look mom, I got a hair." If that does not embarrass her enough, you are stuck with her. Usually mothers decide on what time to stop going in according to the intelligence and responsibility level of the child. You may be a worthless little turd whom she cannot trust. Just think about it.

Abbs.

[Tiger in Spain 0]

DEAR ABBY: I was married last weekend in a small family setting. It is the second marriage for both my husband and me. My father left right after the ceremony, took Mom with him, and missed our wedding reception in order to watch a college football game. He had never met my in-laws before.

I am furious and embarrassed, and I'm not sure how to get over the hurt of knowing a game he could have taped on his VCR was more important than being with me at such an important event. Can you give me any advice? -- WOUNDED BRIDE IN NEBRASKA