History Presentation

[DKW 86 7,440]

Real History....(kinda)

This one is for all to understand the Real History,

never taught by Mr. Yoakum and others. I am happy to

teach this class and bring true enlightenment to all

of you: There will be a test!

History Presentation, especially for Charles:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of

nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the

mountains during the summer and would go to the coast

and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were

the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These

were the foundation of modern civilization and

together were the catalyst for the splitting of

humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that

was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass

bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while

our early humans were sitting around waiting for them

to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals

to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This

was the beginning of what is known as

the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker

and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the

conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and

doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some

of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the

domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,

group hugs, and the concept of Democratic

voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that

conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by

the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the

elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),

but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done...

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal

fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most

of their women have higher testosterone levels than

their men. Most social workers, personal injury

attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and

group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the

designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make

the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat

and still provide for their women. Conservatives are

big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,

construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police

officers (some), corporate executives, athletes,

Marines, environmental consultants, and generally

anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other

conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to

govern the producers and decide what to do with the

production. Liberals believe Europeans are

more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of

the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives

were coming to America. They crept in after

the Wild West was tamed and created a business of

trying to live off the conservatives.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should

be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to

angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A

Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced

of the absolute truth of this history that it will be

forwarded immediately to other true believers and to

more liberals just to piss them off.

Professor Meador