Darwin Awards are out for 2004

[Tigermike 3,041]

Darwin Awards are out for 2004

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor

given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing

themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was

the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him

as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the

fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house

down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of

suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and

weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and

white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to

create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask

that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its

place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube

approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into

his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.

Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his

family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when

another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants

of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They

were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled

was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The

friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of

a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all

potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had

been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon

entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.

To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described

the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving

an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the

lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it

up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the

lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected

of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome,

Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,

Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro

shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital

for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

PS: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But

because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,

we have allowed it.

http://www.horsman.co.nz/story.do?id=34

[SLAG-91 1,483]

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The

friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

I remember this exact thing happening about 9-10 years ago in Anniston...read about it in the Houston Chronicle.

[Jenny AU-92 0]

I LOVE these things, but have always wondered just how true they were. So I decided this time to go to to snopes.com and check it out. I didn't find anything about any of these except the winner. So maybe the others are true!

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. NOT TRUE. Link to Ball Wash Story

[AUesquire 1]

Thanks for ruining it for me Jenny. I was ready to tell that story as if it happened to a Bammer. Most people would have believed it too.

[Jenny AU-92 0]

Thanks for ruining it for me Jenny. I was ready to tell that story as if it happened to a Bammer. Most people would have believed it too.

Come on - even a bammer isn't THAT stupid. Now an ARKANSAS fan, maybe...

[BamaGrad03 0]

OMG!!! Were any other guys reading this story scowling in pain...just from looking over the story...aaaahhhh bad mental image...go away!

[TrueTiger 0]

There are some crazy people in this world.