Jokes - a little longer than memes

[Tigermike 3,027]

Lizard Birth

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent,absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[AUloggerhead 2,229]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[I_M4_AU 7,811]

I retired about 8 years ago after a long career of travel and being away from home.  I retired and the wife was not about to keep on working leaving me at home while she’s off to work by 7:30, soooo she retired at the end of that school year.

Having traveled for so many years being together with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week was challenging.  There were house rules I never knew was house rules and I was reminded (told of these rules) on a daily basis for awhile.

About a year in things were calming down and we adjusted to each other, until one day my wife (out of the blue) tells me that I can’t hear.  Well, this was not even on my radar and of course I told her she was a *low talker* and she needs to speak up.

This lasted about a week or so.  Then she comes back at me one morning and says “do you hear those birds?”  What birds, geees woman you’re hearing thinks, I came back at her.  You must be going bat sh!t crazy.

I have spent 34 years going through physical exams each 6 months and my hearing was never is question.  Then I remembered, during the later exams the doctor would perform what they call the *whisper test*.  That’s when the doc comes in the room and waits until your not paying attention and whispers a question out to see if you answer.  This seemed like a way I could prove she was losing it.

After a couple of days, I walk in while she is preparing dinner at the counter just chopping away.  So I stood about 10 feet away and whispered “What’s for dinner”?  She just kept on chopping and didn’t turn around, say anything or even acknowledge I was in the room.  So I step to about 5 feet away and repeat the question, again no acknowledgement, just kept dropping away.  Well, I guess we now know who can’t hear.

I finally stood right beside her and, as humbly as I could, asker her again what was for dinner.

She slammed the knife down, looked at me like she was really p!ssed and said “Damnit, for the third time CHICKEN…..

I got hearing aids the next week.

[SaltyTiger 7,795]

Officer to Headquarters: Sir, we have a difficult situation here.

Headquarters: Go ahead and explain officer.

Officer: Apparently a lady has shot her husband in the leg for walking across the kitchen floor she just mopped.

Headquarters: Have you appended the shooter? 

Officer: That is a negative sir, we have a problem.

Headquarters: And exactly what is the problem?

Officer: Sir, the floor is still wet.

 

[Tigermike 3,027]

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.

[Tigermike 3,027]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[AUloggerhead 2,229]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?
"She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

[I_M4_AU 7,811]

 

 

[Tigermike 3,027]

 

[WillMunny 1,375]

A prospective but inexperienced angler walks into a fishing store to buy some lures for his first trip.  He looks around and selects some colorful lures, and walks to the counter to pay.

He looks at the store owner and asks "Do the fish really take these wild colored lures"?

The owner replies "Mister, I don't sell to fish".

Edited November 29, 2023 by WillMunny

[Tigermike 3,027]

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

 

[Tigermike 3,027]

An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. “It’s all right,” says the old man. “We always share everything.” On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, ” I am waiting for the teeth.”

[I_M4_AU 7,811]

A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Rock Springs, Wyoming.

I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me a VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my 'Johnson,” so now, I'm Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....

[Tigermike 3,027]

@I_M4_AU   👍 👍 that is funny!

[I_M4_AU 7,811]

1 minute ago, Tigermike said:

@I_M4_AU   👍 👍 that is funny!

Saw it on twitter ‘X’ and had to share.  The Volleyball point, I’m sure, was made up but also hilarious. 

[AURex 1,995]

Not as long as the others, but ....

Interviewer - What is your biggest weakness
Job Seeker - I'm too honest
Interviewer - I don't think honesty is a weakness
Job Seeker - I don't give a **** what you think

 

 

[AUloggerhead 2,229]

[AURex 1,995]

A woman holding a little baby in her arms gets on a bus. The bus driver says, "Wow, that's an ugly baby."

The woman is outraged, but says nothing. As she takes an open seat, another passenger sees that she is upset and asks why.

The woman answers, "That bus driver was so rude and insulting when I got on."

The passenger says, "Go right back up there and give the driver a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold your monkey."

 

[Tigermike 3,027]

My Dad is 94 and he just told me this.

He said he was cutting grass and got hot so he took his shirt off.   A man down the road was driving by and asked if he was hot.  Dad said yes that's why he took his shirt off.

The next day he was on the mower finishing up and not wearing any pants.   His neighbor came by again and stopped and asked if Dad thought he should be doing that.
Dad answered him by saying "Yesterday with my shirt off, the sun made my neck stiff.   This is the way my wife sent me out today. "

[I_M4_AU 7,811]

 

 

[Tigermike 3,027]

Injured Golfer
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington, DC that included Joe Biden. Biden quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Joe Biden and I hope you'll vote Democrat in the next election." She laughed and quickly said, “Are you kidding? I fell on my ass, not my head.

[AURex 1,995]

I've seen the same joke many times over the years featuring Bush, Trump, Clinton, and Obama as well as Biden. Thing is ------

When the butt of the joke is a democrat, Democrats don't think it is funny and Republicans don't think it is a joke.

When the butt of the joke is a Republican, Republicans don't think it is funny and Democrats don't think it is a joke.

For that reason, I'll resist the opportunity to politicize this thread by posting hundreds of Trump jokes. I hope others will help keep this thread non-political, because I was really enjoying it!

Just my 2 cents ....

 

[AURex 1,995]

A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him.

After a few hours of this, the man finally gets fed up and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach it a lesson. He hears the parrot squawking and kicking for a few minutes, but then all goes quiet.

The man opens the freezer up, the parrot calmly steps out onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor to correct my behavior.”

The man is astounded. As he’s about to ask the parrot what’s caused this sudden change in attitude, the parrot continues, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

[AURex 1,995]

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

“Son, where were you today?”

The son says, “At school, dad.”

Robot slaps the son.

“Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!”

“What DVD?”

“Kung Fu Panda.” Robot slaps the son again.

“Okay, it was an adult film!”

Dad yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what an adult film was!”

Robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs, “He’s certainly your son!”

Robot slaps the mom.

 

Edited April 21 by AURex