The two L's

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David Letterman: “Top Excuses Of The Tuberculosis Traveler”: Calm down—most of the people I coughed on were foreigners; How was I supposed to know drug-resistant bacteria was a bad thing—who am I, House?; When the doctor told me I had “TB,” I assumed he meant “Terrific Breath”; Of course my judgment was impaired! I had Tuberculosis you moron!; If people with a dangerous communicable disease are not allowed to travel among innocent civilians, then the terrorists have won; Surgical mask made me feel like Spider-Man; Hey it’s still better than flying JetBlue.

Jay Leno: There are three new books out now about Hillary Clinton. One on each of her positions on the Iraq war. ... The FDA has approved a pill that stops a woman’s cycle and prevents PMS. This could end of “The View” as we know it. ... Paris Hilton got a new cellmate today: Scooter Libby. Prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter. ... Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She’s writing his speeches for him—and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful [women] the first two wives were.