Groves and McClover Law to be inacted...

[DKW 86 7,441]

Link to The Auburner Site

Senate vs McClover and Groves

7-16-05

By: Mark

I really hate that I’m writing two political articles back to back, but the senate is trying to pass an incredibly unfair law that will have a huge effect on the upcoming football season.

Basically, powerful boosters from Auburn’s upcoming opponents are lobbying congress to pass a law to prevent Stanley McClover and Quentin Groves from blitzing quarterbacks. More details can be found here…

http://www.congress.gov/qb_protection_from_auburn.html

The law will require them to count to “ten Mississippi” before they can attempt to sack the quarterback.

also read.... SEC Mascot Deathmatch listed on the home page.

[WarTim 3,457]

This "law" will really have no effect. Since uat already has the SEC and MNC "locked up". We are simply gonna' be playin' for fun.

(Fun: QB sandwich)

[TitanTiger 20,511]

Here's the SEC Mascot Deathmatch. People in my office now think I'm weird because of the laughter coming from my office.

SEC Mascot Deathmatch

by Ryan

7-19-05

Despite my mother’s warnings, I put myself into a state of deep thought last weekend, which naturally almost killed me. But right before everything went black I was thinking about how everything about Auburn is better than the rest of the SEC, even our mascot. I mean, who can beat a Tiger? So I went through a bunch of fictional scenarios in my head about battles between the mascots that represent our SEC schools. So here is a breakdown of how things would turn out should the mascots of the SEC schools be put in a cage and forced to duke it out. But first I have to lay down the rules:

1) These battles are between the actual animals that represent the respective SEC school. For instance, South Carolina will be represented by an actual chicken, not “Cocky the Gamecock.” This is because a fight between two guys in massive animal costumes who can barely see outside of their mask would not be predictable, except for the fact that Aubie would destroy all who oppose simply due to the fact that his costume is not bulky, let alone the fact that Auburn wins at everything.

2) The animals will fight in an open field, no grass to hide in or take cover. This is a death match for crying out loud, no running up trees or hiding in bushes.

3) If the mascot is a human, he can only use the weapons that are part of his persona. For example, a Pirate is not allowed to whip out a bazooka and blow his opponent to little bits, because pirates don’t use bazookas (traditionally). But a pirate can, however, use a cannon.

4) A different animal of the same species is used in each fight, so injuries of previous fights do not carry over.

Note: The following battles are not fictional, this in a genuine unbiased experiment where a select board of scientists and Australians (as well as myself) gather animals and watch them fight to the death.

Auburn vs. Vanderbilt Commodore

Key Facts: In this bout we have a Tiger (Auburn) facing a Commodore (Vandy). Now the definition of a Commodore is: “a commissioned naval officer who ranks above a captain and below a rear admiral” but the rank was abolished in 1899 (restored temporarily for WWII).

Battle: While the commodore was stuffing his crappy gun with gunpowder, the Tiger raced toward him and bit off his throat.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Tennessee Volunteer

Key Facts: Auburn is represented once again by a Tiger, while Tennessee was represented by a random Volunteer from the crowd. Unfortunately, it was coincidentally the Crocodile Hunter.

Battle: The Tiger slowly creeps toward Steve Irwin (the Crocodile Hunter) and Steve very warily pulls out his infant child and attempts to divert the Tiger by throwing his baby at him. The Tiger falls for it! Steve then jumps onto the Tiger’s back in an attempt to strangle the Tiger, but loses his grip and clawed to death.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. South Carolina Gamecock

Key Facts: Ok, from here on, assume that Auburn is represented by a Tiger. Despite what your older brother told you, a gamecock is a “rooster trained for cockfighting”.

Battle: Due to the fact that a Gamecock is used to battles to the death, he is given a slight advantage in the point spread. The rooster ferociously pecks at the eyes of the Tiger, rendering him blind. Then the Gamecock goes in for the kill, but then gets eaten.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs Mississippi State Bulldog

Key Facts: Bulldogs are ugly and stupid.

Battle: In an unfortunate turn for the Bulldog, the temperature rises to a solid 102° and is a bit more humid than he expected. The Tiger on the other hand is rather comfortable, due to the fact that he is from the Jungle which bolsters high temperatures on a regular basis, and slips into a slumber. The Bulldog pants to death due to the fact that he has no sweat glands.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Ole Miss Rebel

Key Facts: In this case, the Rebel is a confederate soldier. And he looks just like Colonel Sanders… heck, we’ll just say that he IS Colonel Sanders.

Battle: Colonel Sanders, armed with “finger-licking good” chicken, is able to tame the beast. Sanders then takes this opportunity to beat the Tiger mercilessly with his cane, only to spill some of the grease from the chicken onto himself. Needless to say, in a state of confusion, Colonel Sanders eats himself to death.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. LSU Tiger

Key Facts: Its just two Tigers in a field fighting, not much else to say.

Battle: The two Tigers are evenly matched. The only way to decide the winner is to have a tournament of colors. Orange and Blue against Yellow and Purple. Blue obviously mangles Purple into oblivion in round 1. And just to make it interesting, we’ll say that the Yellow is actually Gold and that it pulls off a ridiculous upset to beat Orange in the first round as well. Blue will still beat the living crap out of Gold, or Yellow, or Purple. Orange could too, but then there would be no point of making it into a tournament. No matter how you put it, Orange and Blue can’t be beat.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Kentucky Wildcat

Key Facts: A wildcat could be any form of wild feline that range from small to medium size. In this instance, we will say the Wildcat is a Lynx.

Battle: The Tiger laughs at the Lynx, who then becomes self-conscious and for some reason dies.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Georgia Bulldog

Key Facts: Georgia actually uses their real Mascot, UGA VI for this battle. Another interesting fact is that 45% of all High Schools have a Bulldog as their mascot, and 45% of all colleges have a Tiger as their mascot. College beats High School, but that’s not part of the battle.

Battle: The Tiger, remembering his easy battle with the Mississippi Bulldog takes this opponent lightly. UGA VI attacks while the Tiger is not looking and gnaws on the front leg of the Tiger. The Tiger then roars so loud at the Bulldog that it pees all over its sweater. UGA VI actually pees so hard and fast that it kills him.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Florida Gator

Key Facts: The alligator is related to the crocodile but has a shorter and broader snout. This amphibious creature has the biting pressure of 3000 pounds, while Jay Leno’s is a mere 120 pounds (I saw that on TV the other day).

Battle: The Gator is the fiercest opponent that the Tiger has faced yet, but also one of the slowest (on land). The Tiger jumps onto the back of the Gator, but is unable to claw or bite through the reptiles tough skin. The Gator twists around and bites off one of the paws of the Tiger, and in an act of anger, the Tiger stabs one of his claws through the Gator’s eye and kills it. The Tiger from that moment on was named Chubbs Peterson. (Happy Gilmore… anyone?)

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs Arkansas Razorback

Key Facts: A Razorback is “A semiwild hog of the southeast United States, having a narrow body with a ridged back”.

Battle: The Razorback lunges at the Tiger, who quickly moves out of the way to reveal a 2 ton anvil. The Razorback hits it head on and is knocked out completely. The Tiger eats the ribs and takes the rest to go.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs Alabama Crimson Tide

Key Facts: Not even Alabama fans know what a Crimson Tide is, so they have adopted an Elephant as their mascot.

Battle: The Tiger attempts to figure out a way to take down the much larger opponent. The fight is a standstill for the first hour or so considering the Elephant is never able to catch the Tiger, but the Tiger is unable to put a dent in the Elephant. So the Tiger calls for backup, and luckily for Auburn, they have a second mascot in the Plainsmen! Equipped with an Elephant gun and a trusty War Eagle sidekick, he shoots the Elephant in the head. Needless to say all the Bama fans complain to no end and make up secondary mascots of their own on the whim: Rednecks and White Trash. Jeff Foxworthy fills in as the redneck and an old milk carton represents the white trash. The War Eagle gouges out Foxworthy’s eyes but then gets its feet tangle by the Milk Carton, but then the Plainsmen just shoots Jeff, the Milk Carton, and the Elephant corpse.

Winner: Auburn Tiger, Plainsmen and War Eagle!

*All “definitions” were from Dictionary.com

[TitanTiger 20,511]

What may be even funnier than the deathmatch article is the seriousness with with the nimrods over at bammerrag are taking it:

http://mb9.scout.com/falabamafans48326frm1...cID=75993.topic

Duck fellas! There's a low-flying clue incoming!

[AuNuma1 1]

Despite what your older brother told you, a gamecock is a “rooster trained for cockfighting”.

Hehe

[vatz22au 142]

THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!

My favorite:

Auburn vs. Kentucky Wildcat

Key Facts: A wildcat could be any form of wild feline that range from small to medium size. In this instance, we will say the Wildcat is a Lynx.

Battle: The Tiger laughs at the Lynx, who then becomes self-conscious and for some reason dies.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Lol....wtf

[AuNuma1 1]

Tigers do kill gators...saw it on "Real TV" the other day!

[MDM4AU 336]

What may be even funnier than the deathmatch article is the seriousness with with the nimrods over at bammerrag are taking it:

http://mb9.scout.com/falabamafans48326frm1...cID=75993.topic

Duck fellas!  There's a low-flying clue incoming! 

169852[/snapback]

What did you expect from that site? He-He!

[Tigermike 3,054]

What may be even funnier than the deathmatch article is the seriousness with with the nimrods over at bammerrag are taking it:

http://mb9.scout.com/falabamafans48326frm1...cID=75993.topic

Duck fellas!  There's a low-flying clue incoming! 

169852[/snapback]

Those guys are pretty thin skinned, aren't they?

BAMAMAN4LIFE

At Alabama We didn't invent College Football, We just perfected it.

Actually that was cheating you guys perfected.

belowtones

only Auburn fans would not know what a "tide" is. And, when you consider that water is one of the most devastating forces in all of nature.....

Don't forget to wear your rubbers.

bcbama

A university of great intellectual thinkers is auburn!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

while we are training the future business leaders of america the aubs are busy daydreaming and looking for the next illustrater of calvin and hobbs. Nice to know where you hard earned tax dollars and tuition are going. What an Idiot!!!

Try taking a couple of English classes and remedial fourth grade spelling.

grega345

come on guys lets not be too tough on this poor barner Ryan I mean he is obviously in grad school at da-barn working on the thesis for his masters and that was his assigned topic and I bet he worked really hard reading the dictionary to come up with all those words for at least 3 weeks to get that ready so its really not his fault because he is obviously a victim of an outstanding barn edumacation just like Junior R. before him!

Maybe a more important topic for a barn thesis is why they have 3 mascots like a tigger, a war beagle, plainsman.....what the heck is that and they say we are confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Da Barn what a joke when you say auburn you said nothing at all !

Hey grega, where did you learn grammar and punctuation?

PC Bama Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo AgEwe

You should stop taking long, warm showers with Big Al.

[DKW 86 7,441]

You guys are mocking me arent you.....

You guys know I cant access any thing on BamaRag because of my banishment for talking about Shuttle history.

Banned for a Shuttle thread. Heck, I wish it would have been for something really big...

[WarTim 3,457]

Banned for an SHUTTLE thread? Maybe I should go pay those fine folks a little visit!

THAT would set a new land speed record for banishment...No matter WHAT topic I pick!

[TigerFreak 6]

Here's the SEC Mascot Deathmatch.  People in my office now think I'm weird because of the laughter coming from my office.

SEC Mascot Deathmatch

by Ryan

7-19-05

Despite my mother’s warnings, I put myself into a state of deep thought last weekend, which naturally almost killed me. But right before everything went black I was thinking about how everything about Auburn is better than the rest of the SEC, even our mascot. I mean, who can beat a Tiger? So I went through a bunch of fictional scenarios in my head about battles between the mascots that represent our SEC schools. So here is a breakdown of how things would turn out should the mascots of the SEC schools be put in a cage and forced to duke it out. But first I have to lay down the rules:

1) These battles are between the actual animals that represent the respective SEC school. For instance, South Carolina will be represented by an actual chicken, not “Cocky the Gamecock.” This is because a fight between two guys in massive animal costumes who can barely see outside of their mask would not be predictable, except for the fact that Aubie would destroy all who oppose simply due to the fact that his costume is not bulky, let alone the fact that Auburn wins at everything.

2) The animals will fight in an open field, no grass to hide in or take cover. This is a death match for crying out loud, no running up trees or hiding in bushes.

3) If the mascot is a human, he can only use the weapons that are part of his persona. For example, a Pirate is not allowed to whip out a bazooka and blow his opponent to little bits, because pirates don’t use bazookas (traditionally). But a pirate can, however, use a cannon.

4) A different animal of the same species is used in each fight, so injuries of previous fights do not carry over.

Note: The following battles are not fictional, this in a genuine unbiased experiment where a select board of scientists and Australians (as well as myself) gather animals and watch them fight to the death.

Auburn vs. Vanderbilt Commodore

Key Facts: In this bout we have a Tiger (Auburn) facing a Commodore (Vandy). Now the definition of a Commodore is: “a commissioned naval officer who ranks above a captain and below a rear admiral” but the rank was abolished in 1899 (restored temporarily for WWII).

Battle: While the commodore was stuffing his crappy gun with gunpowder, the Tiger raced toward him and bit off his throat.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Tennessee Volunteer

Key Facts: Auburn is represented once again by a Tiger, while Tennessee was represented by a random Volunteer from the crowd. Unfortunately, it was coincidentally the Crocodile Hunter.

Battle: The Tiger slowly creeps toward Steve Irwin (the Crocodile Hunter) and Steve very warily pulls out his infant child and attempts to divert the Tiger by throwing his baby at him. The Tiger falls for it! Steve then jumps onto the Tiger’s back in an attempt to strangle the Tiger, but loses his grip and clawed to death.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. South Carolina Gamecock

Key Facts: Ok, from here on, assume that Auburn is represented by a Tiger. Despite what your older brother told you, a gamecock is a “rooster trained for cockfighting”.

Battle: Due to the fact that a Gamecock is used to battles to the death, he is given a slight advantage in the point spread. The rooster ferociously pecks at the eyes of the Tiger, rendering him blind. Then the Gamecock goes in for the kill, but then gets eaten.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs Mississippi State Bulldog

Key Facts: Bulldogs are ugly and stupid.

Battle: In an unfortunate turn for the Bulldog, the temperature rises to a solid 102° and is a bit more humid than he expected. The Tiger on the other hand is rather comfortable, due to the fact that he is from the Jungle which bolsters high temperatures on a regular basis, and slips into a slumber. The Bulldog pants to death due to the fact that he has no sweat glands.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Ole Miss Rebel

Key Facts: In this case, the Rebel is a confederate soldier. And he looks just like Colonel Sanders… heck, we’ll just say that he IS Colonel Sanders.

Battle: Colonel Sanders, armed with “finger-licking good” chicken, is able to tame the beast. Sanders then takes this opportunity to beat the Tiger mercilessly with his cane, only to spill some of the grease from the chicken onto himself. Needless to say, in a state of confusion, Colonel Sanders eats himself to death.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. LSU Tiger

Key Facts: Its just two Tigers in a field fighting, not much else to say.

Battle: The two Tigers are evenly matched. The only way to decide the winner is to have a tournament of colors. Orange and Blue against Yellow and Purple. Blue obviously mangles Purple into oblivion in round 1. And just to make it interesting, we’ll say that the Yellow is actually Gold and that it pulls off a ridiculous upset to beat Orange in the first round as well. Blue will still beat the living crap out of Gold, or Yellow, or Purple. Orange could too, but then there would be no point of making it into a tournament. No matter how you put it, Orange and Blue can’t be beat.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Kentucky Wildcat

Key Facts: A wildcat could be any form of wild feline that range from small to medium size. In this instance, we will say the Wildcat is a Lynx.

Battle: The Tiger laughs at the Lynx, who then becomes self-conscious and for some reason dies.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Georgia Bulldog

Key Facts: Georgia actually uses their real Mascot, UGA VI for this battle. Another interesting fact is that 45% of all High Schools have a Bulldog as their mascot, and 45% of all colleges have a Tiger as their mascot. College beats High School, but that’s not part of the battle.

Battle: The Tiger, remembering his easy battle with the Mississippi Bulldog takes this opponent lightly. UGA VI attacks while the Tiger is not looking and gnaws on the front leg of the Tiger. The Tiger then roars so loud at the Bulldog that it pees all over its sweater. UGA VI actually pees so hard and fast that it kills him.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs. Florida Gator

Key Facts: The alligator is related to the crocodile but has a shorter and broader snout. This amphibious creature has the biting pressure of 3000 pounds, while Jay Leno’s is a mere 120 pounds (I saw that on TV the other day).

Battle: The Gator is the fiercest opponent that the Tiger has faced yet, but also one of the slowest (on land). The Tiger jumps onto the back of the Gator, but is unable to claw or bite through the reptiles tough skin. The Gator twists around and bites off one of the paws of the Tiger, and in an act of anger, the Tiger stabs one of his claws through the Gator’s eye and kills it. The Tiger from that moment on was named Chubbs Peterson. (Happy Gilmore… anyone?)

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs Arkansas Razorback

Key Facts: A Razorback is “A semiwild hog of the southeast United States, having a narrow body with a ridged back”.

Battle: The Razorback lunges at the Tiger, who quickly moves out of the way to reveal a 2 ton anvil. The Razorback hits it head on and is knocked out completely. The Tiger eats the ribs and takes the rest to go.

Winner: Auburn Tiger

Auburn vs Alabama Crimson Tide

Key Facts: Not even Alabama fans know what a Crimson Tide is, so they have adopted an Elephant as their mascot.

Battle: The Tiger attempts to figure out a way to take down the much larger opponent. The fight is a standstill for the first hour or so considering the Elephant is never able to catch the Tiger, but the Tiger is unable to put a dent in the Elephant. So the Tiger calls for backup, and luckily for Auburn, they have a second mascot in the Plainsmen! Equipped with an Elephant gun and a trusty War Eagle sidekick, he shoots the Elephant in the head. Needless to say all the Bama fans complain to no end and make up secondary mascots of their own on the whim: Rednecks and White Trash. Jeff Foxworthy fills in as the redneck and an old milk carton represents the white trash. The War Eagle gouges out Foxworthy’s eyes but then gets its feet tangle by the Milk Carton, but then the Plainsmen just shoots Jeff, the Milk Carton, and the Elephant corpse.

Winner: Auburn Tiger, Plainsmen and War Eagle!

*All “definitions” were from Dictionary.com

169850[/snapback]

That's hilarious!

[WarEagle_57 0]

I was very interested to see how the Auburn Tiger would beat the LSU Tiger. I was hoping corndogs would be involved.